Holy Moly it's been a while

Sorry to all of you who keep track of our family on this blog, I have a really good excuse I promise! We are fortunate and blessed to be expecting our second child, a boy! I am about 21 weeks along at this point, and feeling buffalo-sized! This pregnancy has been different in just about every way... spiritually, physically, and emotionally! Nausea has been a non-issue this time around, which is a welcome change from my first for certain! Probably partly because I can keep food down, I also have felt less fatigued than I remember with Annie. But, I have weirdly tolerated it less well! There is something to all of that down-time you get with your first...Annie keeps me busy!





It is hard to admit but I really have had a harder time connecting with this pregnancy until recently as well. I am no sure exactly what combination of things lead to that end, but partly it is just harder to remember you are pregnant when you are busy chasing a toddler around. Also, I think there is a part of every labor nurse that just wonders if it will actually happen or not. We see a lot of difficult things at work and we love babies so much, maybe I felt like it would be too much to bear somewhere deep down and so I held on loosely. Definitely a role was played with my spiritual life. It is so easy with a busy toddler to get in task-mode... completing each task, afterall, takes about 14 of the 15 hours a day I'm awake! I am so grateful for the timeliness of the Christmas season in the midst of my spiritual dry season.





"For unto us a child is born..." This is so meaningful to me, carrying a child myself and raising one who is beginning to think and speak for herself! It is so easy to just be carried along by the tasks of the day, seeing them as nothing more than a box to be checked off. In reality, if I truly believe what I say I do, every moment was hand-crafted by a Maker who chose to humiliate himself by becoming a baby who needed fed, cleaned, and diapered and all for an even more amazing cause: to die in my place. By the way, I do not believe Christmas is about gift-giving and our personal generosity or having the "spirit of Christmas" or giving goodies to the neighbors. These things are not the point. Those are all by-products of having the Spirit of Christ in my heart, and being grateful for the greatest gift I would ever receive: the right to be called sons and daughters of a perfect God, heirs to all He offers, without a hope of possessing anything in and of myself to deserve such a place in that family line. So, as I go about my day changing diapers and picking up puzzle pieces and wiping down the sticky surfaces gummied up by fruit snacks, I am mindful (if only by the gift of a small baby) that my attitude while I do these tasks is displayed to a small person who is following me around and reneacting my every move.





This Christmas Michael and I spend another year trying to figure out what kind of Christmas traditions we would like to start. It's difficult to do such a thing when you work every other Christmas, like I do this year. My mom suggested wrapping baby Jesus from our nativity and putting him under the tree for everyone to open. Another friend gives each child three gifts under the tree, because Jesus recieved three gifts from the wisemen. We let Annie do an advent calendar this year, from which she learned to pronounce "chocolate" with impecable crispness. I think at some point I would like to "adopt" another child into our family every year by letting the kids shop for their gifts and get used to giving them away to others. Maybe we could buy the veggie tales movie about Mary and Joseph and show it every Christmas before opening presents. I would love more ideas, so post them here if you have one that you grew up loving!





So I have some catching up to do. We are really appreciative of our new home. The space has allowed us to comfortably host people even at a moment's notice because we have a guest bedroom I can keep clean (although there are never any promises as to the condition of the rest of the house!). Michael and I definitely wanted to know that if we bought a house this size we could use it to have people over. We have been blessed with GREAT neighbors on all sides and have found new friendships there.





Annie had her first Halloween this year where she actually kind of "got it". She dressed up as a lion and loved ringing the doorbells and seeing the pumpkins on the porch--which she had more than a minor obsession with throughout the entire fall season. Annie picked out pumpkins at the patch that were eight times her size and she was completely unable to pick up, so she just hugged and kissed them(yes, I know) right there on the ground. We finally convinced her to go with a pint-sized version and she carried it around the house for weeks, changing it's diaper and taking it on rides in the wagon. After Halloween was over, it was difficult to go for a walk for a week or so! Annie thought she could just walk up every driveway, say "trick or treat" and "thank you" and get herself a sweet treat!





Since then, it has amazed me how much she has grown. Just last month I was making a bed and I could hear her out in the loft, counting from 1 to 10 all by herself! She won't do it on command often, but when I hear her playing, she lists them off as if she has always known. Annie can say just about anything and I couldn't begin to guess the number of words she has mastered. She loves to sing on car rides, but is very picky about which song we sing. If I sing, "Head and shoulders Knees and toes" but she wanted "O Christmas Tree", she yells out, "No! I don't want it!" until I come into the song she had hoped to hear. Annie loves to play with other children and she also has a soft spot for babies. I am interested to see how jealousy and her love of babies collide with the birth of her baby brother!

*This blog was written in December, sorry for the late post! I was having trouble posting pictures with it (obviously!)

My Treasure

I have a confession to make. I'm not sure how it happened, but somewhere along the line, I got greedy. More than a year ago, a dear and generous friend of mine offered me some of her baby things because she was done having children and I was anxious about how to pay for all of the things a person "needs" when they have a baby. I took and used those things for a good year and now they are in storage, where I planned to keep them until(God willing) I had another one. My sweet hearted friend found another person who was in need of one of the items and called recently to see if I still had it. In my heart, I thought, "No! You gave it to me and I am counting on getting to use it for the next baby! How can you give it and take it back?" I felt very justified in my line of thinking, but not wanting to offend her, I just avoided her until he inevitable day that I knew I had to take it back.

Isn't it crazy how we think sometimes? Avoidance is probably way more offensive to her than just being up front, first of all. But beyond that, who was right here? Well I would have to say my dear friend is. My friend's heart was in the right place. She, having the mindset that her stuff can be a blessing to others, was not attached to her plan for the baby items she used for a while. My friend gave without thinking twice to me and then when it was my turn to be able to give those things that I never earned in the first place back to another, I hesitated. Hesitated might be too weak a word actually. I'd say I dug my feet into the ground and threw a mental hissy-fit.

A group of adults from my church meets every other week to discuss what we believe and how it fits into our lives, or mostly how we struggle with it maybe. The sermon we were discussing was on giving and how our hearts attitude should be oriented around seeing all we have been given for free--grace to cover all of the times I rebel against God's plan being the biggest gift of all--and out of the abundance of what we have been given, giving back freely and openly. My self-protective mind immediately went to trying to think up all of the people I had secretly baked cookies for or taken out for lunch or helped with groceries or sent on a date-night or whatever. I had to dig pretty far back in my mental calendar to come up with anything. That was when I felt what I like to refer to as good old-fashioned conviction. I recalled the resentment I held for this friend who wanted to take back my stuff to give to someone I didn't even know when I was still in need of it. Well in a year maybe.

It hit me then that if I was going to call myself a follower of the God in the Bible, He doesn't follow the world's rules. God doesn't say, "If you earn it Katie, you can keep it! And if you plan ahead, nothing bad will ever happen." I think somewhere in my mind, I could convince myself that it was ok to give up the baby item I wanted so badly to have some security on a future want-list that isn't guaranteed because I didn't earn it. It was just given to me, so I should then give it to someone else. I am not sure where I got this mindset, but it is definitely there, hiding out in the dark corners of my heart. I think the Bible goes even further than this. I think it says that nothing I have is truly mine, but has been given to me out of the love of a living God. That living God can decide that I have some character development needs that would better be carried out without something I got to "borrow" at an earlier point. My friend had it right and I had it all wrong.

Motherhood is a strange place to be. Before, I always had someone or something I felt my heart pulled towards to give to and serve. Right now, my main focus is on raising Annie and still trying to be a good wife. Raising Annie doesn't seem like a sacrifice, it seems like what is natural and right and good. Somehow though, I forgot along the way that I need to be spending time with God on a daily basis in order to be the kind of example I feel mothers were designed to be. I feel like it is a strange oxymoron that the time when we are required to give more of ourselves than any other time in our lives is the time when we become the most inward-focused and selfish. I really do feel a pull towards self-protection or watching out for me a lot of the time, even with my husband. I feel like the Bible says it best: "For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." Matthew 6:21 My treasure right now is security, but security based in things that will not go with me when I die. I am thankful to have the opportunity to think through this and so thankful for my dear friend who gave once and gave again. By removing something from me, she has given me a perspective on my own heart that I needed to see.

This week Annie has been sick, running a fever up in the 102 range on a couple of occasions. We are also packing up our apartment and trying to move on a weekend when everyone upon everyone who could help us move the heavy stuff is out of town or working. I will pack a box, and turn around to see my little "helper" unpacking it. Last week I packed up the cough syrup. So naturally, Michael got sick, then Annie, then myself. With a cough. ;o) I get stressed about the stupid stuff, but then I am reminded by Annie's antics that really those aren't things worth getting all upset about. Annie recently has occupied a newly-empty cabinet in the kitchen, poking out every so often to play peek-a-boo. Yesterday she wrapped her little arms around my neck, and as I said "I love You Annie!" to her, she babbled back, "I ooo u!" Now that is a heart-melter. Yep, love is what matters. Stuff is just stuff.

Bunnies, Babysitting, and the Big Apple

So much fun… so little time! I feel like a lot has happened since the last blog, which I typed a long time ago and did not read over for publishing until now. Easter was a lot of fun for us this year, but it was also deeply meaningful after having recovered from the postpartum fog that we were in last year and having the joy of raising a little one with all it means! I got to spend some good time at church reflecting on what it means to me. I am so fortunate to have a nursery that can take Annie during the service so I can get some deep thoughts in! It is amazing how quickly after having a baby your brain turns into total mush. I started a journal of my labor and delivery that I recently found. I had written in it a couple days after coming home from the hospital. I was surprised to find that I didn’t remember having written any of it, let alone experiencing it. Unfortunately, I did not finish. And I cannot finish because I don’t remember a lick of it! Probably a blessing. But next time there will be more pictures!

Speaking of next time, (NO I am NOT pregnant) I decided to try out watching two babies at once. I was helping a friend of mine out for a few hours by watching her little one. Annie was initially fascinated with Addy. She walked up to her immediately and starting trying to pick her up and pat her on the back, saying “baby! Baby!”. Then she noticed that she was sitting on my lap. Or should I say her lap. And suddenly, Addy became a serious threat to her! My independent walker suddenly wanted to be held and cuddled and suck on a bottle. Incessantly. I am acutely aware of why gestation is for a full 9 months and we were not intended to have babies 6 months apart from each other. Woo! Had they not taken naps during that period, it would’ve been tough! I must admit, I felt the itch though. That baby was SO cute!

Annie and I stopped in to see the progress on the house at the end of last week and I nearly needed one of Annie’s diapers! I have a kitchen! WOAH! I am looking forward to baking the neighbors cookies with Annie on a stool at the counter helping mommy measure…

On to the apple portion of this blog: NEW YORK! I had the opportunity to FINALLY travel to see my best friend in her element. She lives in Hoboken, NJ so of course we flew. I spent hours figuring out what to pack and buy for this trip, not wanting to be under-prepared for traveling to the city and in the city. Turns out New York has everything. On every corner. Our trip started off on the wrong foot… we had a 6 hour delay in the Indianapolis Airport just waiting to fly there. This was no skin off Annie’s back however. She ran around the place, squealing with delight until everyone (and I mean EVERYONE) gave her the attention and admiration she thought she deserved. She rode on daddy’s back, made some new friends, and even took a nap in her car seat prior to taking off. Thank goodness Indy’s airport was remodeled so well! Michael and I dare say we enjoyed the one-on-one-on-one time as a family without the distractions of home or activity pulling at us. It is amazing how little time I take to truly put myself 100% into the moment.

The plane ride was not as long as I expected, however Annie did not sleep a wink in spite of it being an hour past her bed time when we boarded. Michael and the diaper bag were half a plane away as I was sandwiched between a 50-year-old businessman and the window in a very warm, very full plane. Annie irritated the life out of the poor soul sitting in front of me, kicking the seat, then the tray, then yelling because no one was paying attention to her, then squirming because she wanted to run freely. The plane ride, mercifully, ended however and our bags (ALL of them!) were waiting for us the moment we got off the plane. We caught a cab and got a very nice driver (an older lady who was very sweet!) who dropped us off right in front of Sarah’s place—an old row-house converted into a four-story apartment building. Our VERY gracious hosts gave us their bedroom and had hot New York style pizza waiting for us on arrival!
Michael and I were itching for some city experience so when Annie woke us up a mere 5 ½ hours after we had gone to bed, we got ready and headed out for some authentic bagels! Annie enjoyed hers. After stopping at a park on the Hudson River, we came back and let Annie take a short nap before we going out to Manhattan for the afternoon. The sites and smells were so uniquely New York! Annie took turns in the baby carrier, the stroller, and walking around on the sidewalks of less-busy streets. We split some local cuisine from a local store or a street cart every couple hours and met my cousin Saramoira downtown for some tea and catch-up in a nearly two-hundred-year-old building. Glee was being filmed at NYU while we were walking through! Annie cashed out in the baby carrier for about 45 minutes on our way home, which was really convenient (and much needed!) Annie seemed to LOVE all of the attention she got from complimentary New Yorkers.


That evening, my best friend graciously offered to stay with Annie while Michael and I went out for dinner. We stopped at Carlos’ Bakery (from the Cake Boss!) and got some delicious treats! We were shocked to see how small the shop was (and the line that went halfway around the next block!). We had some delicious Italian cuisine and called it a night. Saturday we headed to the city again after Annie’s nap. Sarah took us to Time Square, stopping along the way to see where she worked and to get some awesome seafood chowder from the SoupMan (also known as the Soup Nazi from Seinfeld). We took Annie into the toy wonderland that is Toys R Us in time square, where we bought her the first musical instrument of what I am sure will be a long line: a pink princess recorder. She pretty quickly fell fast asleep in the middle of Time Square. How, I do not know because that crazy place is wall-to-wall people on a Saturday! So we stopped in at the M&M store, where we picked out a cute onesy and smelled the chocolate. This is where I began to lose it though…if I saw one more person stop in the middle of an already slow-moving crowd to decide which direction to go next or if they should cross the street on the left or straight ahead or if I got stopped by one more person selling cheap t-shirts or a bike ride through central park, I was certain I was going to go insane. We took off from this store to the last one I wanted to see before getting the heck out of Time Square, FAO Schwarz for Annie to pick out a stuffed animal. Luckily, this store was a little more tame. Annie pointed at a small puppy that she petted and hugged and babbled to and never set it down to trade it for the others, so the choice was easy! I think we were all harried from the madness of Time Square, so the stop at Central park was a breath of fresh air! Annie played on the swings and in the park with other little children. After a little R&R, we finished out at a nearby restaurant because we were all famished from the walking and picked up Michael’s one request: a small Junior’s cheesecake for later. When we got back home, we had walked 8 miles while carrying a 20 pound baby and we were beat! Sarah and Jeff ordered in Cuban food for dinner. WOW! Awesome. We were totally bummed to have to leave after feeling like we had just arrived! It was so amazing getting to see my best friend for four straight days and having her show me around her town and her city. How lucky I am to have such a great friend!

We can’t wait to go back another time for more New York! I was delightfully surprised by the niceness of New Yorkers: I never stood on the subway because people gave up their seats for me since I was carrying a baby. The bagel store owner chatted outside the store with us as we ate her sandwich. People stopped us to tell us how beautiful our baby was and giggle at her antics. People gave us directions on the street and shared their kids toys with Annie. I liked walking everywhere… never having to worry about driving in heavy traffic or looking for a parking space. I loved the collision of cultures and skin colors and ages and languages! It was beautiful to see all of that working together to make a well-oiled machine.

I’m not going to lie though, equally beautiful was the front door of my home-sweet-home. I take for granted all of the space we have and the ability to go outside to let my brain rest while I walk nearby to no-one. All in all, I’d say this is one of the funnest vacations Michael and I have had so far!

Blessed

Our little bookworm. Who cares if the book is right-side-up? Or if the story is read line-by-line? Kids know the important part: do exactly what mommy and daddy and grandpa and nana do. Isn't that cute? Cute is definitely the first thought...but if you take a moment and realize what just happened, you would be terrified. Having Annie has been eye-opening for sure. Seeing all of the things you do imitated in a child is cute when you're reading a book, but not so cute when you are losing it with the dog or yelling at the car that cut you off in traffic. The other day, Annie dropped her cheerios on the floor. Cubbie (my other vacuum cleaner) noticed right away and was more than happy to help her clean it up. When Annie realized that Cubbie was eating her cheerios, she started shoo-ing the dog away from her precious cereal, flailing her cute little arms and squealing in some kind of baby language. I can only imagine what she was actually saying; probably something to the tune of, "Mine! Mine! Mine!". See, I love it when Annie copies me reading or hugging her baby doll while patting her on the back. It isn't quite so flattering when she throws a temper tantrum. One might say that humility is having children to copy what we do in private VERY publicly without a second thought.

I have been going to church long before I knew the significance or decided to go by choice and the times when I have a moment to sit and contemplate what just happened and why it struck a nerve have really brought old hymns to mind and resounded loudly with me. I feel like I am 80 years old saying this, but I do feel like a lot of the songs written today lack the depth of those old, slow, sometimes musically boring songs. I feel like we have become SO busy going to meetings and yoga classes and cooking fabulous dinners and entertaining all without missing our favorite 9pm show or our 6am run that we fail to think. I know what I feel, but what does all of this mean?

Anywho, hopefully I don't break a copyright law quoting this old hymn, but the verse, "I will not boast in anything, No gifts, No power, No wisdom. But I will boast in Jesus Christ, His death and resurrection." keeps ringing in my ears this week. I want so badly to train Annie to be a sweet, kind, little girl who thinks about others and is slow to get angry and quick to love and forgive and offer grace. I want to just 10-step my way into acting like I am like that myself. That's because I want to be awesome. Then my kids would be awesome. But I don't think that is what the Bible says, contrary to how I act. I think, in fact, that a lot of us who call ourselves Christians are really good at convincing our selves we are QUITE the worthy and amazing specimen. But the Bible says that God is awesome and when I realize that I'm incapable of that kind of awe-inspiring kindness, grace, love without Him, it really reminds me that instead of working so hard to control my child to be like me, I should be putting my energy into being like Him. Truth be told, I am also scared to think that Annie could be like me. I believe that God made me who I am and I'm a work in progress for sure... but what mom doesn't want better for their own kid than what they went through?

This Easter we celebrate what I believe is the closing of a gap between me and God. After I had Annie, I understand more deeply what kind of love would lay down His life to reach out to a child who has been lost. What an amazing blessing my Annie is to me and what an immeasurable gift was given to me on the cross.

On a much less deep note, we have really been moving along with our house! That picture is the latest and the greatest. Every time something new goes in, I think, Oh my goodness! Will that be our house? To have people over in and raise kids in? Occasionally, I will stop by with some goodies for the guys working. I try to make sure they love the Purse family enough to do their best! Then I take a ton of pictures, hoping they also think I know what I am snapping shots of. Maybe I should see this house more as a loan from God... this house I get to use for whatever He wants me to. I am already feeling possessive of it. Michael and I recently had a disagreement about painting the house. I was wrapped up in thinking about paint colors and how we "needed" to paint before we moved in because it would be much easier and how we "had to" get this and that done in a certain order and so on... I was really stressing about it. I haven't gotten a vacation from work since maternity leave and we have friends coming in the weekend we plan to move. Talk about panties in a bunch... He gently reminded me that we are fortunate to have a new house to bring up Annie in and that maybe we should be grateful for what we already have and stop worrying about paying for stuff we don't so much need. I definitely needed that reminder.

The Mommy I'm Supposed to Be

I feel sooo lucky to have such a wonderful creature to call my daughter! Now I only hope I can live up to the lofty title of "Mommy". I wonder if everyone else feels this way. It takes a year, I have discovered, to realize you are a mother. I spent the first 11 months of Annie's life sleepy and half-brained, expending most of my energy trying to control my temper with all of the things I no longer did well and realizing the neglect that occurred in my other relationships. I spend part of the day with other women with small children in order to feel normal and then spend the rest of the afternoon lusting after their personality. I think, gosh if I were just more laid back. If only I didn't take things so personally. I wish I could be more organized. I wish I could get my eating under control and look like that. Shoot, I wish I could get the dishes out of the sink before I went to bed. Then I think, man her husband is a lucky man to have such a ____ woman. Or I hope Annie thinks her Mom is a good cook and learns how to keep her house clean and inviting to people and I hope she learns to be giving and sweet.

While I think it is good to think about those things and look for ways to become a better person, which for me, looks like being more like Christ, I think I can go beyond this into a state that contridicts my own beliefs. Sometimes those thoughts sabatoge a good and perfect order. I think God made me fiesty and determined; someone who loves to know there is direction and a purpose. I love to plan something and watch it follow through to completion. Nope, I'm not naturally laid back. There are good things and bad things that come with each personality. I believe that God doesn't make errors and that He also doesn't do anything that isn't for our ultimate good. I also believe He has a plan for me that was conceived long before I was. So, I have things to overcome like my tendency to fill my emotional wants with stuff I shouldn't like chocolate chip cookies :o). If I were as laid back as some of my friends, who knows! Maybe I wouldn't have the drive to help others that makes me feel a real sense of purpose.

All of that to say this: My mothering is going to look different than the best book I read and different than every one of my friends and it's okay. I want so badly to be perfect for Annie; to make the best after-school snack; to be the perfect balance of confidante and disciplinarian; to have the house where all of her friends want to hang out. I want to be cool but respected. Stylish and beautiful to my husband without being vain or obsessive. Gentle yet strong. I have big plans for my motherhood.

Ahhh plans... I remember when I was 18 and I gave God a list of "conditions", if you will. I was young and stupid, ready to tackle the world head-on (but somehow without using that head much). I "told" God, Ok I want to work in the medical field, but I don't want to be a nurse. They aren't very smart. (Yes, yes, I know. God is hilarious.) Then I said, I'll go to school somewhere more prestigious than Ball State. Besides, I want to get out of my parents house. The loans will pay for themselves with the huge salary I have later. What is $24,000 anyway? Per year. Please don't be offended if you are a nurse or you go to Ball State or you live in Muncie. Because what happened is that I am a nurse and I LOVE my job. I started out at Butler and always felt just a little out of place, then finished at Ball State where I felt like I got a great education and was well prepared for said job. I lived. With. My parents. (And we all survived it!) In fact, it actually proved to be a key part of the reason our relationship is where it is now. So then, when I got married, I thought OH yes. I remember. No crazy restricting ridiculous plans. But we all come to the table with plans about something don't we? I load the dishwasher a certain way because it is the right and efficient way. (You know you've done it too!) You celebrate birthdays ON the birthday, even if it is busy. I think you should put your toothbrush away every day (but my hairbrush looks fine on the counter...).

And then, months later, motherhood brings me back to the same lesson. I feel God tugging at me to rest in His grace and let go. Let go of my crazy plans, let go of my need to be perfect on my own strength. I need to be an example to Annie. She will learn how to forgive herself and make mistakes partially by how she sees me do it. How she sees me do it. God knew when He made me her mother that I wasn't going to get it right every time, but He let me have her anyway. So what do I do?

"The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks." Luke 6:45

There is nothing quite like a little mirror walking around your house to force you deal with the stuff you'd rather leave stored up deep down in your heart hoping to hide it for later! I pray God makes me more like Him, so that what flows out of my mouth points at a loving, strong, faithful, pure, God who loves Annie enough to let her make mistakes and see she needs Him too.

Annie's First Birthday

Well, Annie may out-grow her milk allergy, but I don't think she will out-grow her love for attention. We started her birthday off by singing Happy Birthday to her in our pajamas. She smiled and laughed as if she knew today was her day!

I had a busy day planned for her, just the way she likes it! We started off going to play with the other kids at the gym. I came out from working out and found her in the middle of 6 other kids, jabbering away...none of them aware of what the other is doing. We came home to find Grandma, always a special treat!

Then came the cupcake fiasco. UNplanned was a run to Broadripple to find a vegan cupcake for Annie. I made 20 vegan cupcakes the night before and Cubbie helped herself to 17 of them, so I didn't want to bother making a whole batch of frosting for three cupcakes. Yep, I thought seriously about serving shish-ka-Cubbie for dinner, but she survived unscathed. I heard that The Flying Cupcake made vegan cakes, so I called first thing in the morning and they said they bake so many for the day and that I should get there right when it opens for the best selection.

So, I drove down and saw they had a deal for a dozen, so I picked out 12 cupcakes: two vegan ones for Annie and a variety for the rest of us. I got to the register and almost died when they told me it would be $43.70! WHAT? I mean I should get a small wedding cake out of it for that price! Do I need to take insurance out on the cupcakes? Are they gold-plated? Anywho.

Then, Annie took a nap with Grandma while Michael and I went a pre-construction meeting on the house we are building. We were shocked (and elated!) to see the foundation already poured when we arrived to meet with the manager on the job!

I got back right as Annie finished up lunch and we took her to the park. She LOVED the swing and the slide. I keep ignoring in my mind every time

Annie wakes up and decides she loves doing something scary like dropping suddenly down a slide or being thrown up in the air or riding high on Daddy's shoulders... but it is time to face the facts. Annie is a dare-devil and I had it coming. I bet my mom hated that I LOVED my first roller coaster ride. But probably not as much as she enjoyed the fact that I went on a missions trip to Beruit one week after it was bombed. And wasn't scared. There is something about motherhood that makes you scared stupid. I mean, last night I shewed Michael in the house because there was a thunderstorm warning in our area, even though he was just running laps around our block and could have made it in the house in 30 seconds if he needed to. Sigh....No one mentions this stuff on A Baby Story.

So after my horrible realization that Annie is going to need her mother to pad her up like a line-backer every time she goes outside, we came home and cooked her favorite meal: turkey goulash. Then, Grandpa and Daddy came and we had our first cupcake and opened presents! It was a sticky mess but lots of fun! I don't think Annie actually liked her vegan cupcake though. And to be honest, I didn't think it tasted very good, but I was happy to have a last-minute substitute for my planned cupcakes!

Annie's first birthday. I can't believe it! I feel really disconnected from reality here. I don't want to believe my little teensy newborn grew up months ago! I love this stage in her life... seeing her little personality continue to blossom, the giggling, the babbling, the running around and learning games, reading stories... it's awesome! Deep down I feel a little bit sad though. Or maybe it's not as much sad as it is a serious realization of the blessing we have been entrusted with. I still can't believe she's mine. It is even more piercing to me because of friends and loved ones who have been unable to have children thus far. I wonder if people who just get pregnant without thinking about it or get pregnant accidentally know just how fortunate they truly are.

So, I ended her birthday with a nice bath to clean off all of the evidence that I had given her chocolate and with a prayer for all of those who don't have an "Annie" but want one so badly. My sweet baby girl, you have brought unspeakable joy to my life and I love you SO very much!

The finest form of flattery

That is not magic fairy dust. Nope, that is good old fashioned gray, filthy furniture dust! Annie has been copying me and I have decided to invest in my future by cleaning cleaning cleaning! Annie complained very loudly when I resisted giving her my duster. She won it over and went to town "dusting" the furniture! It was very cute. She also enjoys taking her pigtails out and then setting the hair-tie on top of her head, as if the hair will just jump into the tie all by itself! She also loves to stand up on a chair next to me while I cook dinner or lunch. I mean, in a few years, maybe I'll have my own live-in cook! Hey, don't laugh. She's very quick for her age. It could happen! ;o)

Annie got to go to the Children's Museum for the first time recently! We had a blast with our friend Mary and her daughter Lyla, who is a little older than Annie. Annie enjoyed following her around and driving her crazy. :o) There is a toddler area specifically made for little ones just her size! She loved the padded playground where she could run across the bouncy bridge and climb up and down the padded stairs! She really enjoyed climbing up the chipped-rubber hills and even tried pull a fast one on me and go down the slide without me! We finished up our trip with her first ride on the carousel, which she just LOVED! I think I have a little dare-devil on my hands.

I have decided that Annie has figured it all out. She knows. She's cute. We walk around in the grocery store and Annie flirts with her big snaggle-toothed grin and then burries her head in my shoulder, then teases the unsuspecting passerby with another shy grin. Oh boy. I'm is so so so much trouble.

In fact, the day Annie turned 11 months old, she threw her very first hissy fit. I told her it was naptime, and proving my point, she pulled my glasses off of my face and threw them on the floor. I said, "No Annie. Time for a nap" and picked up my glasses. She took them off again and threw them on the floor in defiance. When I didn't allow her to do it a third time, she arched her back and went limp, heaving in full-body sobs. I set her on the floor, where she dropped dramatically to her knees and then her stomach, rolling across the living room floor pausing only to jabber angry protests and kick and throw her fists. I don't know what she thinks she is saying during those rants, but I am fairly certain it isn't Disney-channel approved. I picked her up, put her over my lap, and spanked her bottom. Then she laughed. Holy Moses, someone please send me a book. And then pray for me. Hard!

A Royal Flush

The title just about sums it up: Annie has learned how to flush the toilet. She has also recently learned how to put non-disposables in the trash, clean diapers in the diaper genie, and clap enthusiastically after doing either. Wait for it... here comes the second recurring theme in my blog: I am in a for a world of trouble! If I didn't have motivation before to keep things tidy, I sure do now. This is the stage where wedding rings mysteriously disappear off of night stands never to be found again, victims of the flushing abyss. This is when the plumber becomes a monthly bill to retrieve stuffed animals who truly lived up to their names in the crappiest way possible (pardon the pun). Yes, this is where you hear your cell phone ringing... where? I understand now why mothers in the airport have their children on those leashes disguised as stuffed animal back-packs!

Annie is quite the conversationalist lately. She carries on in baby-babble as if I knew what in the world she was saying. Sometimes she "sings" in her own little language as well when I turn on the radio. I am also waiting for Annie to start barking soon. Yesterday while I was talking on the phone with a friend, I turned around to notice Annie had disappeared. I ran through the house looking for her. She was perched right in front of the dog bowl, cheeks bulging just about as big as her eyes were. BUSTED. She tried to make haste, but I caught her and started fishing out chunky Iams from her chipmunk cheeks. No worries though, she had two fistfuls that I didn't notice and no sooner than I'd emptied the previous morsels had she stuffed in two more! I mean, does that even taste good? I guess I can't complain though. This is the kid who starts to throw a fit if I don't share my broccoli!

Annie started going to Goddard School twice a week while I am at work. She is adjusting quite well! Annie loves playing with the other kids. What I find hilarious though, is that she will be transitioning to the 1 yr old class soon, where she is expected to sleep on a cot. Oh silly teacher! You have a lot to learn about Annie. Maybe she will have me schooled by the end of next month and prove me wrong, but I think this is a long shot!

I am just now getting into the spirit of Valentine's Day. We received valentines from all of the grandparents over the last week for Annie and even for Michael and I! Today I went out and found sugar cookies that were quite delicious and also quite vegan at Whole Foods. YAY! So, I made some frosting from soy-butter (I really can't tell the difference between this and other frostings), dyed it red, and put heart cut-outs over the frosting and sprinkled red sugar on them. It'll be Annie's first cookie!

Another thing we will be doing on Valentine's Day is taking a trip to the Ear, Nose, and Throat specialist. Annie had a double ear infection last week, making that... oh I can't even count. Maybe four ear infections in six months? Two of which took two rounds of antibiotics. She has been exposed to 4 antibiotics already, which I am not thrilled about. So unfortunately, tubes may be in her future.

Speaking of firsts, Annie will turn one next month. As much as I told myself it would be silly to have a birthday party for a one-year-old who won't remember it, I am feeling very tempted to do it up big-- with family AND Annie's little "friends" (Aka anyone I know with a child under the age of 2). I am not sure what got into me, but Annie just loves to be around other kids and I think it would make her birthday so special! I also want to bum an idea off of my friend Mary and make her a storybook about her first year of life using pictures we took up until now.

Another update is that we may be in the housing market soon. We are feeling cramped in our apartment right now. The square footage is ok, but we need more rooms and more storage.

Well, I am too sleep deprived to keep typing after a week and a half of ear-infection-annie waking up several times a night. Here's to the hope of a healthy girl who sleeps through the night again!

Snow Days are for crazy moms

Do you remember when you were in school (ANY school... middle, elementary, college... Shoot, I'm sure this is even fun for GRAD students!) and you saw those magical words show up on the screen? "Closed". Oh sweet chocolate covered wonderfulness. Sleeping in, big breakfast, pajama day, games, movies.... nothing but laziness and fun! But now, ohhh but now. It all dawns on me that snow days make mothers crazy. And they are not good for the general health and well being of the public. :o) Now, Annie is not in school so she would be with me all day ordinarily. But usually, I am going to the gym for an hour and a half while I work out and think adult thoughts rather than "Do you need your diaper changed? Yes! That IS a doggie! Good job walking!" Those thoughts are fun and wow do I love Annie! And normally we go to the grocery store or do some kind of errand where Annie is distracted and looking around. And it is nice to not be running all day! But. OOOH big old but. I am going on day three of being inside my apartment, which is messy and cluttery (which drives me NUTS but is so overwhelming to clean that I don't even know where to start!) and I am feeling a little shut in! I can only imagine if Annie were 10 and she had a 7-year-old brother and a 4-year-old sister and they were all tugging on my pantleg wanting something to do and wreaking havoc all through my house. I am beginning to think that somewhere without snow days sounds nice... and without hurricane days. Arizona maybe? Just kidding of course. But man, wouldn't that be nice?

Annie has been growing up so fast! She can make it across our great room without sitting down or toppling over and she seems a lot more confident with her walking than she did even a few days ago. She has also learned that not only can you take things OUT of containers, you can put them IN! Yesterday I caught her trying to stuff clean diapers into the diaper pail, which was so cute! She was trying to help I think! We'll learn about clean and dirty diapers later, but for now I'm chalking this up as a victory! Then, in the bathroom my victory backfired as she started putting my toiletries in the garbage can. Oh well. I mean, when she knows that things can go in, that means she can learn how to put her toys away right?! What is next? Potty training?! Let's do it! Ok. Maybe I'm getting a little ahead of myself....

I made turkey goulash for dinner the other day and she LOVED it! She liked being able to pick up the pasta herself and feed herself, but I was a little surprised because I made it pretty spicy and she gobbled it right down! I guess Annie has a mature pallette and won't be lowering herslf down to one-flavored baby mush anymore. She also can give herself a drink with her sippy cup. It took us a while but I think she has figured out that you have to tilt it up to get the drink out.

We have also been learning about discipline some. I have discovered, thanks to the advice of a good friend, that if I label what I don't want her to do rather than just say "no", she can actually understand. For example, when she goes into the death roll while I change her diaper, I have been saying, "on your back please!" and she does it now! Amazing! But with understanding has come the ability to not obey. So, she decided to do the death roll anyway and I used a very stern voice and said, "No Annie. On your back." To which she replied with a defiant look and a roll to the side. So I did a two-finger slap on her hand and said, "No no Annie. Naughty." And then she giggled and laughed! Oh dear... I am in for it. Even I didn't do that when I was a baby! NOT FAIR!

Annie has been singing, dancing, and babbling almost nonstop. She also thinks that everything is a "doggie". The pen is a doggie, the puffs are doggies, doggie is a doggie... I am pretty excited that she has so many consonant sounds down though. She does baba, dada, mama, doggie, and daddy. Not bad for a 10 month old! She even did a "woof!" once when I was reading a book with a dog in it to her!

Annie has also nearly mastered the art of napping. She starts to get grumpy around 11, I put her in her crib, and then she sleeps for 1 to 2 hours at once! Oh how I LOVE this time. I can get a LOT done in an hour I have discovered. Or I can even take a nap! Yes, this stage definitely has its perks!

Well, here's to hoping that the roads get better soon, otherwise I might be way too excited to go to work this weekend! Nah... I'm sure I'll miss her the moment I start my car. Sigh.

This is the Good Stuff

Sometimes life just seems so uncertain, doesn't it? I am, by nature or nurture or whatever you want to peg it on, Type A. I have a love/hate, loathe/respect, embrace/resent relationship with that fact. I see friends who are so laid back and seem so comfortable and happy-go-lucky. Meanwhile, I pine away thinking up some master plan to secure my future. All the while, trying to fake that I didn't put much thought into it and am really quite comfortable with "whatever goes". God, I believe, has different plans for me. I honestly believe God foils my plans on purpose so that I might see something better and bigger than the little things that I waste my life perfecting so as to avoid a little pain.

I was reading Isaiah 43 today. "...Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name; you are Mine! When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; And through the rivers, they will not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched, Nor will the flame burn you. For I am the Lord your God, The Holy One of Israel, your Savior." I realized that this verse jumped out of my memory and bit me today because I think my drive to plan-plan-plan and perfect everything is mainly a product of my fearfulness. Somewhere deep down, I want to control everything because I think my plan is better somehow. So if God is what He says He is, and I believe that He is, then I have someone who will be with me when I feel like I am drowning. Someone knows I feel like if one more wave hits me, I will surely collapse and be swept away like shack in a mudslide. Someone, who is in control of the amount of pain and suffering that comes up in my life, says to me, "I know. And you may feel like you can't handle it, but I can. And I am here with you! And I am the point!" God does not promise to save me from literal natural disasters or to keep me from encountering situations that seem unfair or are painful. He promises to be with me and to make me come out on the other side for the better. Better does not mean what we all think it does. Job security, money, houses, even friendships are all temporary blessings that may come and go in my life. When someone asks you, "how are you doing, really?" Isn't it those things we think of immediately? Oh school is going great. The kids are growing up fast. I just got a promotion. I just got engaged. I just got.... fill in the blank with whatever you wish. Is the first thing that comes to mind deep satisfaction in a relationship with a God who loves you? I know it's not what comes to my mind first. What if the hardships are the good stuff? The things that make you realize what in your life is REALLY important? The things that help you get past your demons and your shortfalls to become the person you were created to be?

Michael and I were sitting in the living room today, talking about all of the areas in our lives that are uncertain right now. In fact, I struggle to come up with anything that DOES feel certain or under control! I didn't say it out loud, but death and taxes came to mind. I feel such an urge to grab the must-haves on my list of things I really don't want to let go and just plan my life to death to be "safe". Michael and Annie definitely are on that list of things. Isn't it hard with kids to truly let God have control? With a spouse who has his God-given goals and dreams that might or might not line up with all of yours? I know this is somewhere around the eight-hundredth time I have let this theme run rampant in my blogs, but like I said: I'm Type A and this is my struggle in life. The more I love something the more I struggle to just let go.

I hope that Annie and Michael get the blessing someday of a mother and wife who realizes that the one thing I should be grasping for and seeking out and pining after the most is my relationship with the God who promises everything that is good stuff and lets me go through what I must to get there. So for now, I am going to do my best to remember this verse all day long while I'm busy worrying my life away!

One Step at a Time

It is official. My little rugrat has done what I have been hoping she would delay for quite some time. In fact, the last blog I wrote was the day before she took her first steps! Annoyingly, she took them while she was holding on to the recliner standing next to Cubbie. She took the steps to reach Cubbie for a big furry hug! I mean, isn't she supposed to take her first steps to reach Mommy and Daddy? It amuses me every time I tell someone what she did, they exclaim happily, "wow! That is early! Good for her!". I'm sorry, but good for whom? As you can see, mobile Annie requires a lot more work! :o) Today I had her in the bathroom with me (I mean, it's tiny! What could she possibly get into when she is within arms reach all the time?) and you can see how that went. On the day she first walked, I had Annie in the living room surrounded by her eight-hundred new toys from Christmas and I (stupidly) thought it was safe to run to the bathroom to grab a hair tie quickly. I came around the corner to see that Annie had started to follow me in but got distracted by the pantry. She was sitting on the floor with an open Cheerios box(she even pulled off the chip-clip!), mouth and fist full of cheerios. Annie had a fun play-date lately. Here, she is meeting her future husband, Sam. Sam is just 6 days older than Annie, but he is in the 90th% for weight and Annie is in the 25th. It was quite the stark contrast! Isn't he hansome? We think they'd make a wonderful pair. Sam's parents and I watched and laughed as Annie and Sam grabbed for each others' hands, stole each others toys, and laughed at one another. We had to intervene, however, when Annie tried to give the stolen toy back. In Sam's eye. Details... we'll work on those skills later.

Speaking of Annie's weight, she dropped from the 50th to the 25th percentile between well-child appointments. Lactation consultants at work reassure me that this is normal, especially considering how, as my friends put it, "intense" she is. My pediatrician was concerned though. We have started to give her avacados with her meals and added in some other proteins like ground turkey and beans. She isn't taking to the new textures very well, but we'll keep working on it! I am beginning to wonder if my milk supply is on its way out... This week I was scheduled 4 twelve hour shifts in 8 days and had to take 4 hours of call in the middle of it. (I only work 24 hrs a week, but they ended up being at the back of one week and the front of the next so this is how it worked out). When I'm at work, I seldom take the time to drink more than a few glasses of water on the run and I might get to pump twice. This presents a huge dilemma when I work this much in one week. I am running low on my frozen milk for the sitter, Annie's weight is down, and I can't seem to be home enough days in a row to build it back up! Annie woke up twice last night and I think it was just because she was hungry. The other problem is that when I work, I don't sleep nearly enough and it is very hard for me to choose to stay up late and get up early to pump knowing full well it will be until the weekend before I get to attempt catching up on a fraction of my lost sleep. I'm not throwing in the towel yet, but I hope I can get this squared away sooner rather than later!

It is a very difficult feeling to reach the point where you can't physically provide your child's nutrients. I thought I'd be pretty happy to make it this far honestly. It is surprising to me, as a person to claims no judgement towards my patients who choose to bottle feed, how much I am judging myself! 9 1/2 months of nursing while going to work (although part-time) is tough. As a nurse, I find it very difficult to ask others to take care of me while I'm supposed to be taking care of others. In my mind, knowing asking for breaks to pump was really for Annie made it much easier, but it is still easy to feel like you are a drag on the unit you're working on. I will continue to take every step I can to ensure Annie gets my milk until she is a year old, but I guess I need to be ok with the fact that if I can't, I can't.

Aside from the pumping, work is getting better and better for me in terms of not missing Annie like crazy the whole time I'm gone. It helps tremendously knowing my babysitter is a family friend and loves her dearly. I still felt a little choked up yesterday on my way to work, but 52 hours in 8 days is a lot of time to be away!

I am looking forward to a haircut and highlights on Friday. I feel like I look washed out and wintery! Michael and I have been comitted to working out and eating better lately and I am starting to feel better about myself there, but I need to get back to doing my hair on a regular basis! How does one take a shower when they have a walker though? She throws a FIT if I confine her in any way (to a jumpy seat, in a playpen, etc) while I am in the shower and her room shares a wall with my shower so when she is napping she often wakes up if I sneak in my shower then. I am half temped to put her in the shower with me! Hmm....

At our last appointment for Annie, she still has an ear infection that we are on round 2 of antibiotics with. She had just gotten over one in one ear when this one started in the other. I am sad to say I think I see tubes in our future... She has one strike left! I am fairly certain she is getting sick mostly from the church nursery (as am I!) but I need to keep in mind that socialization is very important, as is building up her immune system. Sick now, or sick in kindergarten? It's a wash if you ask me. Might as well get it over with! We also had to start her on some special lotion for her eczema. It appears I need to go back to strictly cutting out eggs and milk again. I have found some great recipes for baked goods that don't done use dairy or eggs, including chocolate chip cookies, brownies, and coffee cake. It helps to be watching what you are eating when its necessary to exclude eggs and dairy too since all of my comfort foods have them in the ingredients!

That's all for updates now! More to come...

Lets get real

So. I would love to write a blog about how I feel as blessed as I truly am and how Mommyhood is nothing but roses. However, the truth of the matter is, I am feeling like a bad Mommy today. Annie is going on three weeks with who-knows-what sickness/cold/ear ache. She is being really clingy- if I pick her up, she reaches for the ground. When I set her down, she cries. When we play, she does ok for like 20 minutes and then she wants to do something else. Every 20 minutes. And she has been taking two 30 minute naps, 15 minutes of which I am rocking her to sleep and trying to get to her bedroom to sneak away before she knows I laid her down. So, my time to clean up, cook, do laundry, and take care of general business around the house has been SO limited! The only time I have to accomplish anything seems like it is after Annie goes to bed at 7. And then I stay up too late doing that stuff. And then it gets dirty again right after I clean it, as things that get used do. And I am frustrated. This is no surprise to anyone who has ever been a mother. This is the way it goes. I am a little sick myself (not bad, just a small cold) and have been for what seems like a month. I think I could get better if I just could get enough sleep, but sleep is not happening. I feel like I am on the edge of losing it!

This tiny stress (which really is tiny in the grand scheme of things) has really added stress to our marriage. Everyone has periods of stress in their marriages if they are honest, that is just the way relationships go. Sharing the responsibility of parenthood is a really good revealer of your true expectations and your true motives I believe. There is a little person who is completely dependent on you. Both of you. It feels really easy to point fingers and hold a grudge when things don't go smoothly. It is so hard to look at yourself and say, "wow, I am just as selfish as I think you are!", isn't it? I know this period of pulling weeds and laying new soil will pass on to greener pastures and that I am very fortunate to have a loving husband who is committed to getting in the dirt and pulling those weeds with me. It doesn't make me happy to be here though! Isn't that just the thing? God doesn't promise us happiness. He promises a lot of things, but happiness and comfort aren't two of them. I believe God promises joy--which is different in my mind than happiness. Happiness is directly related to your circumstances I think. Joy runs deeper to a place that can't be interrupted by life's snafu's. I need to spend more time praying and less time wishing things were different and recalling my day's injustices.

I feel really guilty being a stick in the mud. I am SO very blessed to have a child and especially one like Annie. I keep remembering the day I found out I had endometriosis. Even when I was a kid, I knew I always wanted to be a mommy. I played house with dolls, I babysat from the time I was 12 and on and loved it, and I just knew that was what I was supposed to be when I "grew up". Well, I am not sure if I ever grew up, but the day I was told that there might be a chance that fertility would be difficult for me, I was crushed. When I found out I was pregnant, I totally was not expecting it. My heart was elated and I was so grateful to God for this immeasurable gift. How quickly I forget. I never felt like I could relate to the Old Testament. Israel seemed to never get it right! And just like Israel, I went back to worshiping myself and my life and forgot about God's gracious gifts to me. Right now, I think God is teaching me to lean on Him and I am being stubborn. I want to be in control of things. I want to think that if I do everything just right as a mom, my child will do certain things in response. (Wowee, I am going to have a rough time with teenagers! I can see it now!) But Annie is just a baby. She doesn't understand why she doesn't feel good; why teeth hurt so much and don't ask permission; why she has to sleep when there is so much to see and to do! I am to guide her and direct her, but ultimately, she can jump off the path if she wants to.

Here's to praying this new year that I get just one step closer to letting go and letting God be God.