I feel sooo lucky to have such a wonderful creature to call my daughter! Now I only hope I can live up to the lofty title of "Mommy". I wonder if everyone else feels this way. It takes a year, I have discovered, to realize you are a mother. I spent the first 11 months of Annie's life sleepy and half-brained, expending most of my energy trying to control my temper with all of the things I no longer did well and realizing the neglect that occurred in my other relationships. I spend part of the day with other women with small children in order to feel normal and then spend the rest of the afternoon lusting after their personality. I think, gosh if I were just more laid back. If only I didn't take things so personally. I wish I could be more organized. I wish I could get my eating under control and look like that. Shoot, I wish I could get the dishes out of the sink before I went to bed. Then I think, man her husband is a lucky man to have such a ____ woman. Or I hope Annie thinks her Mom is a good cook and learns how to keep her house clean and inviting to people and I hope she learns to be giving and sweet.
While I think it is good to think about those things and look for ways to become a better person, which for me, looks like being more like Christ, I think I can go beyond this into a state that contridicts my own beliefs. Sometimes those thoughts sabatoge a good and perfect order. I think God made me fiesty and determined; someone who loves to know there is direction and a purpose. I love to plan something and watch it follow through to completion. Nope, I'm not naturally laid back. There are good things and bad things that come with each personality. I believe that God doesn't make errors and that He also doesn't do anything that isn't for our ultimate good. I also believe He has a plan for me that was conceived long before I was. So, I have things to overcome like my tendency to fill my emotional wants with stuff I shouldn't like chocolate chip cookies :o). If I were as laid back as some of my friends, who knows! Maybe I wouldn't have the drive to help others that makes me feel a real sense of purpose.
All of that to say this: My mothering is going to look different than the best book I read and different than every one of my friends and it's okay. I want so badly to be perfect for Annie; to make the best after-school snack; to be the perfect balance of confidante and disciplinarian; to have the house where all of her friends want to hang out. I want to be cool but respected. Stylish and beautiful to my husband without being vain or obsessive. Gentle yet strong. I have big plans for my motherhood.
Ahhh plans... I remember when I was 18 and I gave God a list of "conditions", if you will. I was young and stupid, ready to tackle the world head-on (but somehow without using that head much). I "told" God, Ok I want to work in the medical field, but I don't want to be a nurse. They aren't very smart. (Yes, yes, I know. God is hilarious.) Then I said, I'll go to school somewhere more prestigious than Ball State. Besides, I want to get out of my parents house. The loans will pay for themselves with the huge salary I have later. What is $24,000 anyway? Per year. Please don't be offended if you are a nurse or you go to Ball State or you live in Muncie. Because what happened is that I am a nurse and I LOVE my job. I started out at Butler and always felt just a little out of place, then finished at Ball State where I felt like I got a great education and was well prepared for said job. I lived. With. My parents. (And we all survived it!) In fact, it actually proved to be a key part of the reason our relationship is where it is now. So then, when I got married, I thought OH yes. I remember. No crazy restricting ridiculous plans. But we all come to the table with plans about something don't we? I load the dishwasher a certain way because it is the right and efficient way. (You know you've done it too!) You celebrate birthdays ON the birthday, even if it is busy. I think you should put your toothbrush away every day (but my hairbrush looks fine on the counter...).
And then, months later, motherhood brings me back to the same lesson. I feel God tugging at me to rest in His grace and let go. Let go of my crazy plans, let go of my need to be perfect on my own strength. I need to be an example to Annie. She will learn how to forgive herself and make mistakes partially by how she sees me do it. How she sees me do it. God knew when He made me her mother that I wasn't going to get it right every time, but He let me have her anyway. So what do I do?
"The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks." Luke 6:45
There is nothing quite like a little mirror walking around your house to force you deal with the stuff you'd rather leave stored up deep down in your heart hoping to hide it for later! I pray God makes me more like Him, so that what flows out of my mouth points at a loving, strong, faithful, pure, God who loves Annie enough to let her make mistakes and see she needs Him too.
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