So. I would love to write a blog about how I feel as blessed as I truly am and how Mommyhood is nothing but roses. However, the truth of the matter is, I am feeling like a bad Mommy today. Annie is going on three weeks with who-knows-what sickness/cold/ear ache. She is being really clingy- if I pick her up, she reaches for the ground. When I set her down, she cries. When we play, she does ok for like 20 minutes and then she wants to do something else. Every 20 minutes. And she has been taking two 30 minute naps, 15 minutes of which I am rocking her to sleep and trying to get to her bedroom to sneak away before she knows I laid her down. So, my time to clean up, cook, do laundry, and take care of general business around the house has been SO limited! The only time I have to accomplish anything seems like it is after Annie goes to bed at 7. And then I stay up too late doing that stuff. And then it gets dirty again right after I clean it, as things that get used do. And I am frustrated. This is no surprise to anyone who has ever been a mother. This is the way it goes. I am a little sick myself (not bad, just a small cold) and have been for what seems like a month. I think I could get better if I just could get enough sleep, but sleep is not happening. I feel like I am on the edge of losing it!
This tiny stress (which really is tiny in the grand scheme of things) has really added stress to our marriage. Everyone has periods of stress in their marriages if they are honest, that is just the way relationships go. Sharing the responsibility of parenthood is a really good revealer of your true expectations and your true motives I believe. There is a little person who is completely dependent on you. Both of you. It feels really easy to point fingers and hold a grudge when things don't go smoothly. It is so hard to look at yourself and say, "wow, I am just as selfish as I think you are!", isn't it? I know this period of pulling weeds and laying new soil will pass on to greener pastures and that I am very fortunate to have a loving husband who is committed to getting in the dirt and pulling those weeds with me. It doesn't make me happy to be here though! Isn't that just the thing? God doesn't promise us happiness. He promises a lot of things, but happiness and comfort aren't two of them. I believe God promises joy--which is different in my mind than happiness. Happiness is directly related to your circumstances I think. Joy runs deeper to a place that can't be interrupted by life's snafu's. I need to spend more time praying and less time wishing things were different and recalling my day's injustices.
I feel really guilty being a stick in the mud. I am SO very blessed to have a child and especially one like Annie. I keep remembering the day I found out I had endometriosis. Even when I was a kid, I knew I always wanted to be a mommy. I played house with dolls, I babysat from the time I was 12 and on and loved it, and I just knew that was what I was supposed to be when I "grew up". Well, I am not sure if I ever grew up, but the day I was told that there might be a chance that fertility would be difficult for me, I was crushed. When I found out I was pregnant, I totally was not expecting it. My heart was elated and I was so grateful to God for this immeasurable gift. How quickly I forget. I never felt like I could relate to the Old Testament. Israel seemed to never get it right! And just like Israel, I went back to worshiping myself and my life and forgot about God's gracious gifts to me. Right now, I think God is teaching me to lean on Him and I am being stubborn. I want to be in control of things. I want to think that if I do everything just right as a mom, my child will do certain things in response. (Wowee, I am going to have a rough time with teenagers! I can see it now!) But Annie is just a baby. She doesn't understand why she doesn't feel good; why teeth hurt so much and don't ask permission; why she has to sleep when there is so much to see and to do! I am to guide her and direct her, but ultimately, she can jump off the path if she wants to.
Here's to praying this new year that I get just one step closer to letting go and letting God be God.
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