My Treasure

I have a confession to make. I'm not sure how it happened, but somewhere along the line, I got greedy. More than a year ago, a dear and generous friend of mine offered me some of her baby things because she was done having children and I was anxious about how to pay for all of the things a person "needs" when they have a baby. I took and used those things for a good year and now they are in storage, where I planned to keep them until(God willing) I had another one. My sweet hearted friend found another person who was in need of one of the items and called recently to see if I still had it. In my heart, I thought, "No! You gave it to me and I am counting on getting to use it for the next baby! How can you give it and take it back?" I felt very justified in my line of thinking, but not wanting to offend her, I just avoided her until he inevitable day that I knew I had to take it back.

Isn't it crazy how we think sometimes? Avoidance is probably way more offensive to her than just being up front, first of all. But beyond that, who was right here? Well I would have to say my dear friend is. My friend's heart was in the right place. She, having the mindset that her stuff can be a blessing to others, was not attached to her plan for the baby items she used for a while. My friend gave without thinking twice to me and then when it was my turn to be able to give those things that I never earned in the first place back to another, I hesitated. Hesitated might be too weak a word actually. I'd say I dug my feet into the ground and threw a mental hissy-fit.

A group of adults from my church meets every other week to discuss what we believe and how it fits into our lives, or mostly how we struggle with it maybe. The sermon we were discussing was on giving and how our hearts attitude should be oriented around seeing all we have been given for free--grace to cover all of the times I rebel against God's plan being the biggest gift of all--and out of the abundance of what we have been given, giving back freely and openly. My self-protective mind immediately went to trying to think up all of the people I had secretly baked cookies for or taken out for lunch or helped with groceries or sent on a date-night or whatever. I had to dig pretty far back in my mental calendar to come up with anything. That was when I felt what I like to refer to as good old-fashioned conviction. I recalled the resentment I held for this friend who wanted to take back my stuff to give to someone I didn't even know when I was still in need of it. Well in a year maybe.

It hit me then that if I was going to call myself a follower of the God in the Bible, He doesn't follow the world's rules. God doesn't say, "If you earn it Katie, you can keep it! And if you plan ahead, nothing bad will ever happen." I think somewhere in my mind, I could convince myself that it was ok to give up the baby item I wanted so badly to have some security on a future want-list that isn't guaranteed because I didn't earn it. It was just given to me, so I should then give it to someone else. I am not sure where I got this mindset, but it is definitely there, hiding out in the dark corners of my heart. I think the Bible goes even further than this. I think it says that nothing I have is truly mine, but has been given to me out of the love of a living God. That living God can decide that I have some character development needs that would better be carried out without something I got to "borrow" at an earlier point. My friend had it right and I had it all wrong.

Motherhood is a strange place to be. Before, I always had someone or something I felt my heart pulled towards to give to and serve. Right now, my main focus is on raising Annie and still trying to be a good wife. Raising Annie doesn't seem like a sacrifice, it seems like what is natural and right and good. Somehow though, I forgot along the way that I need to be spending time with God on a daily basis in order to be the kind of example I feel mothers were designed to be. I feel like it is a strange oxymoron that the time when we are required to give more of ourselves than any other time in our lives is the time when we become the most inward-focused and selfish. I really do feel a pull towards self-protection or watching out for me a lot of the time, even with my husband. I feel like the Bible says it best: "For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." Matthew 6:21 My treasure right now is security, but security based in things that will not go with me when I die. I am thankful to have the opportunity to think through this and so thankful for my dear friend who gave once and gave again. By removing something from me, she has given me a perspective on my own heart that I needed to see.

This week Annie has been sick, running a fever up in the 102 range on a couple of occasions. We are also packing up our apartment and trying to move on a weekend when everyone upon everyone who could help us move the heavy stuff is out of town or working. I will pack a box, and turn around to see my little "helper" unpacking it. Last week I packed up the cough syrup. So naturally, Michael got sick, then Annie, then myself. With a cough. ;o) I get stressed about the stupid stuff, but then I am reminded by Annie's antics that really those aren't things worth getting all upset about. Annie recently has occupied a newly-empty cabinet in the kitchen, poking out every so often to play peek-a-boo. Yesterday she wrapped her little arms around my neck, and as I said "I love You Annie!" to her, she babbled back, "I ooo u!" Now that is a heart-melter. Yep, love is what matters. Stuff is just stuff.