Sometimes life just seems so uncertain, doesn't it? I am, by nature or nurture or whatever you want to peg it on, Type A. I have a love/hate, loathe/respect, embrace/resent relationship with that fact. I see friends who are so laid back and seem so comfortable and happy-go-lucky. Meanwhile, I pine away thinking up some master plan to secure my future. All the while, trying to fake that I didn't put much thought into it and am really quite comfortable with "whatever goes". God, I believe, has different plans for me. I honestly believe God foils my plans on purpose so that I might see something better and bigger than the little things that I waste my life perfecting so as to avoid a little pain.
I was reading Isaiah 43 today. "...Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name; you are Mine! When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; And through the rivers, they will not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched, Nor will the flame burn you. For I am the Lord your God, The Holy One of Israel, your Savior." I realized that this verse jumped out of my memory and bit me today because I think my drive to plan-plan-plan and perfect everything is mainly a product of my fearfulness. Somewhere deep down, I want to control everything because I think my plan is better somehow. So if God is what He says He is, and I believe that He is, then I have someone who will be with me when I feel like I am drowning. Someone knows I feel like if one more wave hits me, I will surely collapse and be swept away like shack in a mudslide. Someone, who is in control of the amount of pain and suffering that comes up in my life, says to me, "I know. And you may feel like you can't handle it, but I can. And I am here with you! And I am the point!" God does not promise to save me from literal natural disasters or to keep me from encountering situations that seem unfair or are painful. He promises to be with me and to make me come out on the other side for the better. Better does not mean what we all think it does. Job security, money, houses, even friendships are all temporary blessings that may come and go in my life. When someone asks you, "how are you doing, really?" Isn't it those things we think of immediately? Oh school is going great. The kids are growing up fast. I just got a promotion. I just got engaged. I just got.... fill in the blank with whatever you wish. Is the first thing that comes to mind deep satisfaction in a relationship with a God who loves you? I know it's not what comes to my mind first. What if the hardships are the good stuff? The things that make you realize what in your life is REALLY important? The things that help you get past your demons and your shortfalls to become the person you were created to be?
Michael and I were sitting in the living room today, talking about all of the areas in our lives that are uncertain right now. In fact, I struggle to come up with anything that DOES feel certain or under control! I didn't say it out loud, but death and taxes came to mind. I feel such an urge to grab the must-haves on my list of things I really don't want to let go and just plan my life to death to be "safe". Michael and Annie definitely are on that list of things. Isn't it hard with kids to truly let God have control? With a spouse who has his God-given goals and dreams that might or might not line up with all of yours? I know this is somewhere around the eight-hundredth time I have let this theme run rampant in my blogs, but like I said: I'm Type A and this is my struggle in life. The more I love something the more I struggle to just let go.
I hope that Annie and Michael get the blessing someday of a mother and wife who realizes that the one thing I should be grasping for and seeking out and pining after the most is my relationship with the God who promises everything that is good stuff and lets me go through what I must to get there. So for now, I am going to do my best to remember this verse all day long while I'm busy worrying my life away!
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