Just a Mess

I can't believe I am on the verge of my 8th month of pregnancy. And I can't believe Annie is almost two!! I have calculated that if I were to deliver at the same gestation as Annie, I have exactly 6 weekends left to get it together around here. EEK! That, coupled with the spring weather, has put me in nesting mode big time! I am DYING to paint our completely white walls before the inspection where they will repair any drywall damage (from the house shifting and settling through the first year of climate change) but I am trying to hold it together and just let it be. Stop reading now if you are currently pregnant and also have an almost-2-year-old. WHAT WAS I THINKING?! Oh my goodness... yeah I am not sure why I thought it would be a good idea to tackle the terrible two's while I am acting a little like a two-year-old myself. There is just some kind of chemical reaction to that combination that causes spontaneous combustion on a regular basis. Annie throws herself on the floor, in a fantastic display of toddler-ness, screaming in dramatic prose that she only wants to watch "one more barney" and all I want to do is throw myself on the floor right next to her and scream, "can't you see I'm pregnant!?! Come ON! Eat your veggies! Stay in your booster seat at the table! Go pee in the potty not poopy in the bathtub!" And then there are the times when she says, "Mommy snuggle!" and cuddles up under my arm for some love and I tear up (because that is what pregnant women do... cry and throw temper tantrums) and think about how extremely lucky I am. And it is true: I am extremely blessed to have that little spunky and precocious love in my life. I have always been obsessed with newborns and babies and I honestly thought my favorite part would be infancy, but she says the funniest things! It is so wonderful to watch her grow and think for herself. I am so curious what she will be like as a big sister!

These last few months have spiritually been a season of refinement, if I had to label them. I have felt God really putting me to the challenge as close friends have gotten busy or moved away and we have still be unable to get involved with a small group or moms group through our church. It was this reason that has led us to search for a church in our area that has room for us in their small groups and is also in need of people who will serve. One thing I have noticed as my life has transitioned from that of a person who was able to serve in a leading/facilitating capacity to that of a person who is trying to figure out how to do marriage and motherhood in a God-honoring fashion is that when I stop giving to others or teaching others, I get really self-centered and my sin is just out there for everyone to see. When I'm not trying to be there for other people, it's really easy to just get absorbed in all of the things that aren't perfect in my own life. I am not feeling like I am in a position to teach anyone anything about being a Godly mother or wife, but I would love to at least be in a position where I can pray with other women about getting there someday. I am feeling hopeful (for the first time in a while) because I look forward to getting back into other peoples' lives and being used by God for a greater purpose than my own comfort. With small children, I feel like it's easy to get really focused on getting a break from your life rather than making each moment of it useful for learning and growing. Having small children and still being relatively new to marriage is a season in life where things are uncertain and change a lot. I am not a change-embracer(shocking,eh?). However, this does not excuse me from taking those changes gracefully with God's help and being the best I can be in spite of what is going on around me. Shoot, I always say that the most dangerous times in my life have been the times when I thought I was doing great. It seems that when I start to get comfortable, I am also getting self-righteous. I sort of slip into a line of thinking that says, "hey, I'm not too bad at this! Look at me go!" The next thing I know, I have loved myself right into isolation from God and others. So anyway, right now the way things are going, I am fully aware of my need--every single moment--to rely on Someone else for anything good to happen.

Onto a much less deep note, I discovered TJ Maxx today! Annie is in need of a "big-girl bed" and Michael and I are in need of a few more months to plan for these baby expenses! But ready or not, here they come! So, we stumbled upon some GREAT finds today. At Kittles outlet, we found a $400 white twin bed for $160 ish (including tax!) and then at TJ, I found the perfect quilt, sham, sheets...everything for it for around $50 and Annie went NUTS when she saw it! She looooved it! Now my creative juices are going wild and I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to keep myself from painting her room. And maybe 6 framed pictures to hang around it that match the quilt. And perhaps I will also look for a floor rug... Somebody stop me! It's funny... I had these grand plans when we were house-shopping of finding something I could fix up JUST the way I wanted it, hoping it would inspire me to keep it clean because I am a perfectionist and having it just the way I like it inspires me to keep it that way. Almost a year later, the walls aren't painted, I can hardly bend over to tie my shoes, let alone sweep and mop as often as it needs it, and my house is, quite honestly a mess most of the time. But you know what? That's alright. I am learning a valuable lesson (or six!) in the midst of it. Firstly, greed is a thief that wants to steal away your happiness. You get this, then you want that. Never satisfied, you work more, love less, and pine away your most precious commodity (time!) for what? New flooring. A light in the dining room. A picket fence and some beautiful flowers. No, I'm not saying that it's wrong to make your home welcoming and inviting and peaceful. But wow, I am shocked at my own drive that so quickly considers running over what precious little time I have with my (mostly) sweet little girl before she starts to grow up. I hear it over and over again... "I remember when she was in diapers... I don't know what happened! Now she's getting married! I just want that time back." I am trying SO hard to put the brakes on and realize that paint and curtains and wall hangings are very nice things, but I can't take them with me. Secondly, I am learning that I can actually have friends over while I am living in a mess. Yep, my life is messy. And not just in the toys-strewn-around-the-living-room kind of way. Nope, I am a mess in general. Would you know that most of my friends don't care that my living room is a mess? They care that I am genuinely concerned for them; that I care about them; that I love them and their children well. And loving them well does not mean I have to have a floor you can eat off of. I am sure there will be plenty of time for spotless-ness in my future, but right now life's busy and my energy tank gets drained before I finish most of the things I want to do and quite frankly if something has to be cut off the list, the people in my life should be the very last thing I neglect.

Well this worn out mama is ready for bed whether this blog is finished or not. I am hoping to do a quick photo-blog of Annie's birthday before I have Elliott but no promises!