The Mommy I'm Supposed to Be

I feel sooo lucky to have such a wonderful creature to call my daughter! Now I only hope I can live up to the lofty title of "Mommy". I wonder if everyone else feels this way. It takes a year, I have discovered, to realize you are a mother. I spent the first 11 months of Annie's life sleepy and half-brained, expending most of my energy trying to control my temper with all of the things I no longer did well and realizing the neglect that occurred in my other relationships. I spend part of the day with other women with small children in order to feel normal and then spend the rest of the afternoon lusting after their personality. I think, gosh if I were just more laid back. If only I didn't take things so personally. I wish I could be more organized. I wish I could get my eating under control and look like that. Shoot, I wish I could get the dishes out of the sink before I went to bed. Then I think, man her husband is a lucky man to have such a ____ woman. Or I hope Annie thinks her Mom is a good cook and learns how to keep her house clean and inviting to people and I hope she learns to be giving and sweet.

While I think it is good to think about those things and look for ways to become a better person, which for me, looks like being more like Christ, I think I can go beyond this into a state that contridicts my own beliefs. Sometimes those thoughts sabatoge a good and perfect order. I think God made me fiesty and determined; someone who loves to know there is direction and a purpose. I love to plan something and watch it follow through to completion. Nope, I'm not naturally laid back. There are good things and bad things that come with each personality. I believe that God doesn't make errors and that He also doesn't do anything that isn't for our ultimate good. I also believe He has a plan for me that was conceived long before I was. So, I have things to overcome like my tendency to fill my emotional wants with stuff I shouldn't like chocolate chip cookies :o). If I were as laid back as some of my friends, who knows! Maybe I wouldn't have the drive to help others that makes me feel a real sense of purpose.

All of that to say this: My mothering is going to look different than the best book I read and different than every one of my friends and it's okay. I want so badly to be perfect for Annie; to make the best after-school snack; to be the perfect balance of confidante and disciplinarian; to have the house where all of her friends want to hang out. I want to be cool but respected. Stylish and beautiful to my husband without being vain or obsessive. Gentle yet strong. I have big plans for my motherhood.

Ahhh plans... I remember when I was 18 and I gave God a list of "conditions", if you will. I was young and stupid, ready to tackle the world head-on (but somehow without using that head much). I "told" God, Ok I want to work in the medical field, but I don't want to be a nurse. They aren't very smart. (Yes, yes, I know. God is hilarious.) Then I said, I'll go to school somewhere more prestigious than Ball State. Besides, I want to get out of my parents house. The loans will pay for themselves with the huge salary I have later. What is $24,000 anyway? Per year. Please don't be offended if you are a nurse or you go to Ball State or you live in Muncie. Because what happened is that I am a nurse and I LOVE my job. I started out at Butler and always felt just a little out of place, then finished at Ball State where I felt like I got a great education and was well prepared for said job. I lived. With. My parents. (And we all survived it!) In fact, it actually proved to be a key part of the reason our relationship is where it is now. So then, when I got married, I thought OH yes. I remember. No crazy restricting ridiculous plans. But we all come to the table with plans about something don't we? I load the dishwasher a certain way because it is the right and efficient way. (You know you've done it too!) You celebrate birthdays ON the birthday, even if it is busy. I think you should put your toothbrush away every day (but my hairbrush looks fine on the counter...).

And then, months later, motherhood brings me back to the same lesson. I feel God tugging at me to rest in His grace and let go. Let go of my crazy plans, let go of my need to be perfect on my own strength. I need to be an example to Annie. She will learn how to forgive herself and make mistakes partially by how she sees me do it. How she sees me do it. God knew when He made me her mother that I wasn't going to get it right every time, but He let me have her anyway. So what do I do?

"The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks." Luke 6:45

There is nothing quite like a little mirror walking around your house to force you deal with the stuff you'd rather leave stored up deep down in your heart hoping to hide it for later! I pray God makes me more like Him, so that what flows out of my mouth points at a loving, strong, faithful, pure, God who loves Annie enough to let her make mistakes and see she needs Him too.

Annie's First Birthday

Well, Annie may out-grow her milk allergy, but I don't think she will out-grow her love for attention. We started her birthday off by singing Happy Birthday to her in our pajamas. She smiled and laughed as if she knew today was her day!

I had a busy day planned for her, just the way she likes it! We started off going to play with the other kids at the gym. I came out from working out and found her in the middle of 6 other kids, jabbering away...none of them aware of what the other is doing. We came home to find Grandma, always a special treat!

Then came the cupcake fiasco. UNplanned was a run to Broadripple to find a vegan cupcake for Annie. I made 20 vegan cupcakes the night before and Cubbie helped herself to 17 of them, so I didn't want to bother making a whole batch of frosting for three cupcakes. Yep, I thought seriously about serving shish-ka-Cubbie for dinner, but she survived unscathed. I heard that The Flying Cupcake made vegan cakes, so I called first thing in the morning and they said they bake so many for the day and that I should get there right when it opens for the best selection.

So, I drove down and saw they had a deal for a dozen, so I picked out 12 cupcakes: two vegan ones for Annie and a variety for the rest of us. I got to the register and almost died when they told me it would be $43.70! WHAT? I mean I should get a small wedding cake out of it for that price! Do I need to take insurance out on the cupcakes? Are they gold-plated? Anywho.

Then, Annie took a nap with Grandma while Michael and I went a pre-construction meeting on the house we are building. We were shocked (and elated!) to see the foundation already poured when we arrived to meet with the manager on the job!

I got back right as Annie finished up lunch and we took her to the park. She LOVED the swing and the slide. I keep ignoring in my mind every time

Annie wakes up and decides she loves doing something scary like dropping suddenly down a slide or being thrown up in the air or riding high on Daddy's shoulders... but it is time to face the facts. Annie is a dare-devil and I had it coming. I bet my mom hated that I LOVED my first roller coaster ride. But probably not as much as she enjoyed the fact that I went on a missions trip to Beruit one week after it was bombed. And wasn't scared. There is something about motherhood that makes you scared stupid. I mean, last night I shewed Michael in the house because there was a thunderstorm warning in our area, even though he was just running laps around our block and could have made it in the house in 30 seconds if he needed to. Sigh....No one mentions this stuff on A Baby Story.

So after my horrible realization that Annie is going to need her mother to pad her up like a line-backer every time she goes outside, we came home and cooked her favorite meal: turkey goulash. Then, Grandpa and Daddy came and we had our first cupcake and opened presents! It was a sticky mess but lots of fun! I don't think Annie actually liked her vegan cupcake though. And to be honest, I didn't think it tasted very good, but I was happy to have a last-minute substitute for my planned cupcakes!

Annie's first birthday. I can't believe it! I feel really disconnected from reality here. I don't want to believe my little teensy newborn grew up months ago! I love this stage in her life... seeing her little personality continue to blossom, the giggling, the babbling, the running around and learning games, reading stories... it's awesome! Deep down I feel a little bit sad though. Or maybe it's not as much sad as it is a serious realization of the blessing we have been entrusted with. I still can't believe she's mine. It is even more piercing to me because of friends and loved ones who have been unable to have children thus far. I wonder if people who just get pregnant without thinking about it or get pregnant accidentally know just how fortunate they truly are.

So, I ended her birthday with a nice bath to clean off all of the evidence that I had given her chocolate and with a prayer for all of those who don't have an "Annie" but want one so badly. My sweet baby girl, you have brought unspeakable joy to my life and I love you SO very much!