Happy Father's Day

As we round the corner of both Mother's Day and Father's Day, I stop to ponder how different my life was last year and just what it means to be a mother. This time last year, every night was date-night. We had unhindered one-on-one time to figure each other out, have fun, and explore our world together. I could cook whatever I wanted for dinner and shop for expensive, name-brand foods for that special dinner if I wanted. We could spend 50% of our free time training for the next big run we had signed up for. I could do anything that I thought would make me happy.

Time has changed and life has changed a lot! Going on a date might mean a splurge mocha at starbucks while we play cards (yep, that was actually our first post-annie date!) if and only if we find free babysitting (AKA one of our parents comes to town). I would say, if I had to sum up the one thing I gave up most becoming a mom, it would be this: SELFISHNESS. I never knew how selfish I truly was until I got married and saw that, for example, someone else I shared space with did NOT see that my way of doing the dishes (perfectly) was the only way of doing them. And not only that, it was not worth fighting about. Even if I was right. ;o) Then, Annie came a long. And Michael and I saw that we had even more work to do in the selfishness department. Sometimes you have a fever and a headache and just need to sleep for ten hours in a row. However, Annie can't feed herself so sleep comes secondary and no headache lasts forever. But wow, what a pay-off. I wouldn't trade a million nights out to fancy dinners or all the time in the world to keep up my house or endless movies or mini marathons or girls nights out or girls nights in or sleeping in or anything at all that i can possibly think of for my little girl. When I went back to work, I realized how much I really loved her. I loved being with her all the time! I loved that we saw each other sometimes for mid-night feeds and rocking her to sleep and snuggles under my chin. I didn't resent a second of all of our colicky walks around the house for hours or cleaning up reflux spit-up or doing three loads of laundry in a day. I feel so privileged. So happy. So fulfilled. I was made to be a mommy. I was made to be Annie's mommy. Being away from Annie makes my heart sick; as if I had forgotten a part of my own body at home. On the drive home from work, I have never been so tempted to speed out of control and it's all I can do to hold back the tears in anticipation! When I walk in the door after having been gone for 12 or 13 hours, holding her chubby, wobbly body in my arms and seeing her face light up is the best part of my day. Yes, Michael and I have a very different life than we did last year. It is so good.

Thanks to God for such a blessing as being parents. There has never been anything more wonderful, more terrifying, easier yet harder, more challenging, more beautiful, more right than this. Happy Father's Day Michael! Thank you for making me the happiest mother on the planet.

Back to work :o(

I knew going back to work would be hard. I had never been away from her for more than 5 hours that I can think of before this week! I went back on Wednesday and Thursday for 12 hours each and even though I had very good childcare while I was gone, I felt like I abandoned her. Everyone there was super nice and helpful so I could pump as often as was possible, but it was still just impossibly difficult. I had no idea how hard it would be to focus on anything else. I am told that this gets way better with time, nonetheless I am cutting back to two 12 hour shifts per week. The schedule came out before Michael and I decided to cut back though, so I now will have to wait until August. I didn't cry at work on my first day back, but the waterworks came on in full force when I got home! I slept maybe 6 hours that night, even though I had to work the next day because I wanted to hold my sleeping baby until I just couldn't keep my eyes open any longer. Then I woke up at 4:45 in the morning to do it again. The second day was much harder; I cried in the breakroom and teared up several times during the day. She did great with both of our sitters and with Michael while I was gone. When I got home, she gave me a big juicy, gummy grin and nursed for almost an hour. I had no idea how addicted I would be to my little sweet Annie. I feel heartbroken the entire time I am away from her!

On to less depressing things... Annie rolled from her tummy to her back on Tuesday! I could not get a repeat performance even though she was madder than blazes about being on her stomach after that. I am grateful for this, not sure I'm ready for a mobile child at only 3 months! More coming later!

Vacation

Annie went on her first vacation last week! She did surprisingly well on the drive back, but the 6 1/2 hour drive up took us over 9 hours. WHEW! I was anticipating some sleeping trouble since she would be staying in our room with us again, but surprisingly we had our first sleep-through-the-night while up there! YAY Annie! She also had only one colic episode while we were there, so hopefully we are growing out of that as well! It was great for her to meet my aunts and uncles and cousins and also very nice to have extra hands around to help. Her Grandparents loved getting to see her every day for a full week. Michael and I got to do a few getaways for lunch and climb the dunes one afternoon, which was a much needed break for us!

However, now that we are home, we picked up some kind of bug. We just got back from the pediatricians office and they think she has a stomach virus. Annie has been all out of sorts for three days now, which I like to think is her worrying about not having me around all day starting next week ;o) I am waffling back and forth between crying about going back to work without my sweet Annie and feeling like it is doable. Luckily, I have good babysitters and hope to even get a visit from my little sweet pea on my first day back! I just hope I get the time I am legally promised to pump. I am worried I won't have good milk supply after doing two 12's in a row. On that note, Michael and I have decided to drop one of my shifts per week, so now I will be working two 12's. I was getting worried about how we would work out our schedule with the sitter since we both work at the same place and are going to self-scheduling there. It seems like self scheduling would work better, but I believe it will be first-come, first-serve which might be tough if I have only certain days I can work with my sitter on. Two days a week should be ok though, and especially since I have to work every other weekend and Michael will be home then.

All of this has really made me realize how important family is. It was really nice having my parents nearby for an entire week. Knowing that someone who loves her wanted to take care of her was available really made it easier for Michael and I to have some time together and for me to take care of some things I needed to do without feeling guilty for stealing the time away from Annie. So far, motherhood is yet another reminder that I need God every moment of my life to be a good person as well. While I wouldn't trade this wonderful experience for anything, I am tired and stressed and fiercely protective of my little love to the point where I have probably neglected my house, my husband and worst of all, my God! Not spending daily time with the Lord has really become evident in my lack of patience with my poor husband, my dog, paying bills, and anything that doesn't go "as planned" (which, if you have a little baby with colic and reflux, is almost everything!). I need to see my devotional and prayer time as even more necessary than getting enough sleep at night or keeping hydrated. I think it is so easy for me to just take the time I get when Annie is sleeping to clean my house or pay some bills or even just sit down and watch a show on TV, but what I need the most I am ignoring.

I know I will figure out a good balance eventually! Everyone tells me I won't feel like this forever (like I need to be tending to her every waking moment). I don't know about that, but I do know I only have 5 days left to enjoy her before the stress of work returns to my daily life, so I'm off to snuggle and love my little bun!