Christmas tooth

Annie's first Christmas... or maybe more appropriately "The first Christmas with Annie" for the rest of us, was SUPER FUN! Well mostly anyway. A few days before Christmas, Annie came down with an ear infection, pink eye, and her first tooth all on the same day! And the crazy part is she was no worse for the wear. She was happy and mobile as ever! The downside to teeth: Biting. Need I say more?

Christmas Day we woke up late as a family (THANK YOU ANNIE!!) and ate some breakfast together. My hope is to make Christmas breakfast a fun tradition for our family. This year I had to make three separate breakfasts as egg-free, dairy-free didn't sound appealing (understandably) to Michael. So I made one cheesy ham omelet him, one dairy and egg free waffle for me, and apple oatmeal for Annie. Then, we sat around the tree, anxiously waiting for Annie to figure out the box in front of her was for ripping into. We didn't think this would take long because she is a box-opening-specialist, but for whatever reason she needed some goading. All it took was tearing the corner of the pretty paper and it was on! Annie LOVED her new little talking-singing-spanglish kitchen. We got to spend good time with both families (Shields and Purse) over the holidays which was really nice! I spent the first day back deciding which toys to put out for her and which ones to hide and bring out later!

Annie has perfected some signature moves recently. One of which I like to refer to as the "death roll". I believe this is what alligators do to kill their prey. This is also what Annie does to kill her mother. JUST when I get an especially messy diaper off, Annie starts twisting her entire body in an effort to turn around and stand up. Baby wrangling is the next class on my to-do list. I will win!

Annie also has learned an especially adorable trick. While she helps me with (unfolding the clean) laundry, she will usually grab a garment, pull it over her head and wait for mommy to play peek-a-boo! What is even funnier is that sometimes the garment is underwear. I can't wait to get a picture of that...

Thanks to her Grandma Shields (THANKS A LOT!) Annie can climb stairs. And anything else that is knee-height for that matter. Annie is CRAZY full of energy. With an attention span of about a half second, Annie gets into everything! She will go from one "no no" to another, spanning the room from the stairs to the electrical outlet, to mommy's phone, to her purse, to shoes, to the dog, to the dog's toys.... Nevermind that she got a million really cool toys for Christmas that light up and sing! You see, toys are for children and I have a monkey.

I can't believe we have entered a new year. As I look back, we have much to be thankful for! Great friends, loving family, and the biggest blessing we have ever received--our little Annie--have made this last year one to remember! Annie is looking more and more like a little toddler and acting less and less like my little baby! I cherish the moments she still allows me to snuggle with her and rock with her as I know those are going to be few and far between soon. Every stage has been a blast and we look forward to whatever surprises come in 2011!

The Dreaded Little-Girl-Face

I am not sure how it happened or when it happened, but Annie has traded her chubby baby face in for a little girl face! She doesn't look like a little baby anymore. She doesn't nap like a little baby anymore. She can get it herself, thank you very much! It happened WAY too fast! Yes, yes. I know. You, your mom, and your grandma probably told me yourselves it would happen way too fast. I'm still shocked though.

Well, for those moms out there who have been through a week of sickness (which I like to refer to as the Purse Family Plague) I now understand even MORE why mother's get a special day of the year. We started two weekends ago with Annie getting a lot of nasal congestion which then led to a couple of nights getting up really often with her. Since Annie doesn't like to take naps anymore, that meant I was WAY behind on the old sleep-o-meter. Then, I got the stomach flu on Thursday. That was SO miserable. I threw my back out while trying to run to the bathroom with what surely is an 18-lb child now. So then, I was carrying around a double plastic grocery bag while crawling back and forth to the bathroom, waving a scarf behind me hoping Annie would find it fun to chase me there so I could keep an eye on her. After calling everyone I knew during the day to see if someone was willing to brave the plague to watch Annie so I could puke in peace, I finally called Michael who was swamped at work and couldn't come home until 4:30pm an I'm just not sure how I got to the end of the day! One good night of sleep (I mean like 15 hours in a row) and I was good as new for work the next day. Then, poor Michael threw up for the first time in years all day long and caught what I had! Sunday, I went to work and ended up coming home with a fever, chills, and a sore throat. I think I have filled my quota. God, can we take a little character-builder-break? I know I have a long way to go, but this seems like a bit much!

On to more important things. Annie is SO close to walking. I am not sure when she will feel motivated enough to give it a whirl though because she can crawl-skip at a pretty fierce clip. I feel like she does something hilarious every day and in my sleep deprived state, I can't for the life of me remember most of them! She definitely knows when she is getting into something she shouldn't though. The dog inevitably tracks in a leaf or some dirt by the sliding glass door in the living room and Annie LOVES to teleport herself there before I realize what is going on and pick up the tiniest piece of it. When she sees me racing towards her to prevent it from getting in her mouth, she squeels, shoves it in her mouth as quickly as possible and bolts on the other direction. When I catch her, she throws her hands up and down in defeat. So dramatic.

She has adapted her mouth to suit her needs in a variety of ways. Annie has learned that if she has to get from here to there, her hands are used up for the crawling and she must use her mouth if she wants the toy to go with her. I am amazed at the size of things that have fit in her tiny mouth. She also uses her mouth to help her pull up on furniture and things. Hey, every little bit of leverage helps! She loves to give open-mouth slobbery "kisses". Much to my delight as a nursing mother, she has not, however, learned how to sprout a tooth! There are no teeth in sight, in fact. Thank you Santa!! All I want for Christmas is NO front teeth. Now THAT is a song in the making.

Annie loves to help mommy and daddy with the laundry. Every time I fold something and stack it neatly, she sees this as an opportunity to unfold it. And throw it. She is especially tickled by socks, which she waves over her head in pride before launching them behind her. She really enjoys emptying things. Does anyone know how to get her to enjoy putting them back?

One thing she does NOT love is her snowsuit. When Annie is in it, the overstuffed suit keeps her almost completely immobile. She can't grab anything because the ends of it cover her fingers like a mitten and she can't bend her arm to get to her face because the arms are so stiff. Usually, she just lays there in defeat, with a disgusted, "are you SERIOUS?" look on her face until we arrive to our destination where she can finally take it off.

I am looking very forward to Christmas this year. Some of my relatives will get to meet Annie for the first time and I am also thinking she will have a blast unwrapping her presents. And my presents. And your presents. Better get the camera charged up...

It has dawned on me lately that I haven't taken any professional pictures of Annie since she was a newborn. I am embaressed to say it almost but there always seemed to be some unforeseen expense that snuck up and stole the opportunity from me. And now, Annie has a parenthesis-like rash around her mouth that is bright red so I can't take them this week. Hopefully soon! I feel like a bad parent not having any good professional pictures of her yet!

I have been thinking a lot lately about our next big steps in life. One being the planning(or not planning) of our next child, should we be so blessed to do this again. It pops into your mind, you know, when your baby stops looking like a baby. Do you plan to have them 2 years or so apart to get through all of the diaper-changing-sleep-deprivation-disorganized-mess-survival-mode-hard-on-your-marriage stuff in a whirlwind of 6 years in a row or do you space them like 4 years apart and get used to the child tying her own shoes and feeding herself breakfast just in time to start the whole cycle again? I guess God will allow what He thinks I should do for my family. I hope I am a good listener!

I have also seen a need arise for discipline to begin in tiny little ways. My friend at work told me recently she was embaressed when her son told his teacher that his name was ___ No ____. He actually thought his middle name was No! I feel like as many times as I have to say "No" to keep her from chewing on a lamp cord, pulling off my glasses, sucking on Cubbie's toys, or rolling over while I am trying to change her diaper, she is going to be confused about the meaning of this word. She is definitely too small for sitting in the corner or a spank(which I am not sure about doing anyway). I am going to read some books on the topic, send some in my direction if you know of a good one!

Cruising through 8 months

Unfortunately, I won't have pictures right away to upload to this blog (and it really is unfortunate because I have the opinion, albeit biased, that she is the cutest little thing ever!) because my computer and all of the pictures on it bit the dust a couple of weeks ago. Not having any regular access to the Internet is not my idea of a good time. It's funny, losing the Internet gives me the feeling of being third-world or mute. I get a lot of my social needs filled by reading what everyone is up to and telling everyone what new trick Annie learned and hearing their responses! It has given me some much needed time to spend in quiet reflection though and I definitely needed to stop filling my days with more stuff. Spending a little more time doing a little less has proven to be much more in the end.

Anywho. I turned 29 last week and wow, what a difference a baby makes. :o) She is the best gift I have ever received to date. But having a baby does change things for sure. It felt very odd waking up early on my birthday, then starting out with diapers, feedings, laundry and all of the things I do every single day. Just another day. On the same hand, I feel so privileged to get to do those things because it means I have my wonderful daughter and husband in my life! Birthdays just aren't about me anymore I think. And this is a good thing. The less into myself I get the better life gets. Michael took me out for dinner though and my mom watched Annie for a few hours and that was nice. I did get to see my best friend from NY for a couple days and that was also an awesome gift!

Annie is a completely different baby from the last time I posted. I don't know where to start! She is not your average baby I am learning. I dropped her off at a friend of mine's house to watch her who also has what I have always considered a very active little girl. Evidently Annie is even more high maintenance than that! Turns out everyone else's baby doesn't need to be within grabbing range of their mother all the time. Annie is just a very social little girl. She doesn't like to be alone for even a few seconds! Not that I could leave her alone anyway. I am fairly certain she could find something she isn't supposed to be getting into even if I had her in a cardboard box(pictures coming soon to prove my point). She is pulling to a stand on anything taller than 4 inches and she cruises from one piece of furniture to the next. She can zip across the room very quickly now, but it is the most hilarious crawl I have ever seen... she uses her left leg the appropriate way but her right she tries to stand with so she alternates a bent left crawl-leg with a straight right leg, butt up in the air. I think Annie has invented a new way to crawl-skip.

Annie is tasting all kinds of new things these days. She is a very good eater, thankfully! She loves cauliflower and really likes this baby food mix of carrots, apples, and parsnips (what do parsnips even look like?). We are also trying to let her cry it out at night this week when we put her down and if she wakes up in the night. So far it has been working but she does throw a HUGE fit! She screams as if I were cutting her arm off! Then, she pauses to see if I'm going to respond to the latest tantrum before launching into another 5 minutes or so of full-out-fit throwing. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree...

I am learning lately a lot about what it really means to follow Christ. I believe what is asked of me is that I give selflessly to my spouse and my daughter and anyone else who enters my life without expecting anything in return and without regard to whether they earned it or not. It struck me this week how very difficult that is! I am definitely bad at it. I can't go 5 minutes without catching myself thinking about what I want and being frustrated that I can't have it or control it or that it wasn't recognized. I am not saying that mothers should never care for themselves, quit working out, spend no time with friends, and have no brain as they slave away in the name of love. But I do think motherhood seems to be a constant reminder that my heart is in need of something outside of myself. Which brings me to my next thought: I am the greatest of hypocrites. I do what I don't want to do and think what I don't want to think. We had a great sermon at church this Sunday calling out all of us who are great theologians and horrible Christians. I need God's intervention daily if not minute-ly. I can understand and make perfect sense in my head of God's plan for me and how it is best. Then I can act like I totally don't believe it! This was very evident to me in the first 6 months of marriage, but now that I have Annie I feel all the more aware of it! All I can hope for is that Annie turns out more like Christ and less like me! :o) I am so blessed to have a God who cares for me enough to keep me uncomfortable. That sounds like a really weird thing to say, but I find that when I get comfortable, that is when I am the worst version of myself. I fail to see my needy state of being and start thinking I have things under control. The next thing I know, I can only think of myself.

So, as Thanksgiving approaches, I am going to be thankful for being uncomfortable and tired because it helps me to see what really matters in life. I am thankful for people in my life who choose to love me anyway! I am thankful for the people in my life who I need to extend the same grace to that I receive on a daily basis. I am thankful for my sweet baby girl--a constant reminder to me of God's love for me that stretches even farther than what I can muster up for my own child. I am thankful for a husband who desires good things for our family and who works hard for us. I am thankful that I have a job and health insurance and a car that runs! I am thankful to have two sets of great parents who have helped guide us through a year of great changes. Happy Thanksgiving!

Creepy Crawlies

Halloween is coming and Annie is ready! Complete with super adorable puppy costume. Also fitting for the season, Annie is creeping and crawling! I got lucky and was home from work the day she started making progress with her crawling. She does what I like to call the "seal flop" to get forward movement. Annie will start out on her hands and knees, then push her tush up in the air and run in place. After this fails to get her where she wants to go, she then just throws her upper half forward and flops her legs rhythmically until she reaches something she wants (or loses her temper because it took too long). I am coming to realize this will be my scariest Halloween yet! From grabbing my hot coffee mug (even though I had her on the opposite hip and was being very careful!)--which luckily dumped on me and not her-- to crawling over and grabbing the power strip in the 5 seconds it took me to walk 3 feet to let the dog out and turn back around to look at her, she has dropped my heart into my shoes plenty this month! She has also pulled the (cool) iron from the wall, stuck her hand in my soup, and quite nearly pulled dinner onto the floor by craftily tugging on the place mats(luckily Michael plays some good defense). I have decided there are some things (lightweight bookcases with decorative stuff on them) we just need to pack up and put away, but I'm contemplating getting a gate-enclosure play area for her. My mind is spinning with all of the potential poisonous, electrical, heavy, sharp, and hot things that are now within her reach.

I am also learning that the hardest part of being a mommy is coming up on me quickly: actual parenting! Before, I was a milk dispenser, a snuggler, a comforter, a playmate, a protector. But now, I have to parent. Yikes. I can see her little purposeful whines and cries manipulating me into what she wants and I have realized it is time to introduce the most powerful two-letter-word in our language: NO. Annie has found it interesting to see what happens when she grabs some skin and pinches. I scoop up her hand and, with as firm a voice as I can muster while looking at such a cute face, say, "no!". She stops, pauses, and then she laughs. She laughs! I am IN for it. While discipline may be no fun, having "that kid" in the grocery store is probably worse. It is so tough thinking about all of your options when it comes to discipline. Right now it is pretty simple, but later? Spank? Time out? Both? Neither? Eat it or go to bed without dinner

or eat it or no dessert or hide the food they don't in stuff so they'll eat it? Aye. It's a good thing I have a year and a half before she is 2! They may not learn how to speak french overnight, but I can't even believe how quickly she became mobile. At the risk of sounding like a total mom, I can't believe how fast they grow up.

We have been very busy this month. Michael was honored to be chosen as a groomsman in two weddings this month. I could only attend one of them and we went last weekend for the event with what I am pretty sure was fully half of everything that belongs to Annie. How does that happen? How can someone who weighs less than my left leg need the biggest suitcase by a long-shot? Maybe I should just wear a t-shirt that says, "First Time Mom" on it when I go to things like this. Then all will be clear. And actually, I think I may be freakishly over-prepared even for a first-timer. Annie did pretty well with the driving and since I took enough entertainment to start my own daycare in the hotel room, she was also pretty content the rest of the weekend. My wonderful mother-in-law was able to stay in an adjoining room with us so I could attend most of the festivities. She had such a good time she tried to fit Annie in her suitcase (nice try Grandma!). It really was a much needed time for Michael and I to get dressed up, dance, and enjoy the evening together while celebrating with close friends.

Annie's latest favorite things include playing peek-a-boo, itsy bitsy spider, pat-a-cake, and doing the chicken dance. She also enjoys hamming it up for anyone who will give her attention by showing her gummy grin and then hiding in my shoulder. If she does not get attention, she has learned to cough until we look in her direction. She plays on the floor with her toys but keeps a close tab on her caregiver. Occasionally, she will turn and grab my leg. "Just checking!"

She also loves to read/eat books and she still loves a good snuggle from time to time!

That is the latest and greatest... until next time!

Momma's Girl

Annie continues to melt her mommy's heart on a daily basis. She is becoming somewhat of a momma's girl. We have had problems getting her to stop crying with babysitters and she doesn't so much like to meet new people unless I'm holding her. I feel terrible leaving her because I don't want her to be miserable the whole time (or the people who were kind enough to watch her!). I still just can't get enough of her. I wonder if this will ever fade... I just want to rock her in her sleep all night long! If it weren't for the fact that I know her sleep is better in the crib, I think I would just hold her all night.

So I decided enough was enough. I joined weight watchers online and have been trying harder to be consistent in my workouts. I don't want to have Annie grow up around people who don't care about their health and I am not a good example right now! I have always wanted to be thin, but not more than I wanted to eat what I wanted to eat I guess. Having a child who will copy your every move certainly "ups the ante". I am excited to get on track, but nervous about how it will affect my milk supply. I'm only half-way through the nursing so I don't want to mess it up! So, if my milk supply drops dramatically, then I will wait a few months and try again later.

This past weekend, we got to spend some time with my family for my mom's birthday. It was so nice to be around other people who wanted to be around Annie and helped us with her. She is so lucky to get so much love!

It was in looking at the pictures we took
however that reality set in: I need to lose some serious weight! I was glad to get my hair cut recently and am happy to report that one good move in trying to look like a woman again led to more. It is weird to consider a shower, makeup, and hair done before noon an accomplishment, but if you've had a baby, you know it is! I digress... It is such a blessing to have a family on both sides who care so deeply for Annie and for Michael and I both. I think it is probably pretty unusual for both sides of the family to accept spouses they way ours have.

So I was watching Oprah (which I am not altogether impressed with--sorry if you like it!) and she had a celebrity on her show who had recently broken up with her celebrity boyfriend (or husband or something, but I believe he was the father of her child or at least very involved in the child's life). Oprah asked her when she knew it was over with him and her response drew cheers and high-fives, which sickened me. She said, "It just wasn't fun anymore... I have always thought I needed a lover to be in love but now I know that I can be in love with myself!" Wow. Did you just SAY that on tv? What kind of world are we living in where saying that, "it really is all about me" and "I'm living for the fun of it" is so commonplace that it not only doesn't raise an eyebrow, it gets high-fives? I had no idea how difficult (wonderful! but difficult none-the-less) marriage was until I got married. But I did know this going into it: if i walked out on every friend I had ever had conflict with because it stopped being fun, I'd either live in a very shallow world with shallow relationships or I'd have no friends. I knew that I had to reeeeeally work for it (even though I had no idea what that would look like until I got into it). Let's call a spade a spade. If life were always fun, all relationships would be easy. But I think that God allows difficulty in relationships and that they are that way on purpose.
I think the difficulty develops a person in humility, perseverance, and mercy towards others. After all, if you never realized that you were not perfect, you would probably not have sympathy for others when their imperfections surfaced. I am so thankful for a husband who didn't say, "Katie, you're not fun while you're pregnant. Or while you're not sleeping through the night. I'm done." Can you imagine being with someone who loves you that conditionally? I am sure that many of you can because you live in that reality.

I find so much assurance and peace in my times with God in light of the fact that I can't control who is going to work it out with me in my life and who is going to throw me out with the bath-water. We all make mistakes, and it may be that good friends of mine will decide my mistakes aren't worth being around. But I have a God who never leaves or forsakes me. Which is pretty amazing considering He is the only Person who knows every single bad thought, selfish thing I've done, and poor decision I've made. Ok. I'll get off of my soap box (until next time!).

Zoo trips, mistakes, and hair cuts

Tickets to the zoo for Michael and I: $40. Parking at the zoo: $10. Rummaging through grandma's purse: free. Sucking on the stroller: free. Ice cube in a sock for sore gums: free. Difference between the price for the zoo and going to a friend's farm for Annie to see the only three exhibits she cared about: nauseating. So, it turns out Annie doesn't pay any attention to "zoo animals". We stood right in front of a huge elephant (and I mean RIGHT in front) and she didn't pay any more attention to it than she would a moving van parked on the street. However, when we went by the cockroach exhibit (which.... WHY?!) she was fascinated! The next animal that peaked her interest? A cheetah? A monkey? The tiger? Nope. A goat. So the zoo was basically for Michael and I anyway. We were trying to salvage a botched vacation attempt that we missed because of a 24 hour virus. And the good thing is that we got to spend some quality time with both our lovie baby and two of her grandparents! Grandparents are always a good thing.

Monday I was looking at poor Annie and noticed that her mop of hair is constantly in her eyes. And that there was a 2 inch rat tail in the back. Even though I live in Indiana, the mullet was too much. I can pin back the hair in the front to a point, but she pulls the bows out and then she has trouble falling asleep because her hair keeps tickling her face. So I recruited Michael to help and did a little trim. It honestly doesn't look much different, but I cried over those little locks of hair. It seemed so permanent! I quickly grabbed some tape and got the lost ends to put in her memory book. I can't even get my brain around all of the emotional stuff that happens in motherhood. CRYING? Over HAIR? Reeeeally? I mean, this little girl is going to cut her own hair just like I did someday when my back is turned and she gets a hold of some scissors. I shudder to think about ACTUAL milestones like graduation and college and a wedding. I am going to be such a mess! Ok, you're right. I guess "going to be" maybe isn't right. I already am!

So I was thinking this week a lot about some things that have been hard in my life lately, many brought on by myself. Someday, Annie is going to be a very public window into my soul. What I mean by that is, she is going to copy everything I do! The good, the bad, and the downright ugly. What scares me more is that some of the traits I have that are not good ones (and let's call a spade a spade, we all have them) will bring her pain someday. I am not proud of this fact, but I am a people-pleaser to a fault and when I have conflict with people in my life, it just consumes me. This week, I felt that I had earned the right to run my mouth (or "vent" as some people like to label it more nicely). But who gave us the right to vent anyway? It seems to me that venting is a nice label for gossip and complaining. I don't see anywhere in the Bible where Jesus "vented". I don't know of any moral institution that finds complaining OR gossiping to be trait to aspire to. I wanted to take Annie and my husband and move to Alaska to hide from my shame and my mistake, but turns out you can't do that! So, I turned and faced the music. At the end of the day, I sat and thought about how this situation would look to Annie in three years when she sort of understands. Will she be sitting on the fake plastic phone using an angry tone talking about how her dolly didn't do something right and it wasn't her fault? God knew what He was doing. There is no motivation to change your sinful habits quite like knowing that your cherished and beloved child may someday mimic them. I am currently going through a book called "Relationships: A mess worth making". A quote in the book really struck me this week. "We often think that if God really cared for us, he would make our relationships easier. In reality, a difficult relationship is a mark of his love and care. We would prefer that God would just change the relationship, but he won't be content until the relationship changes us too." It also points out that "We live with this tension between self-protective isolation and the dream for meaningful relationships." How true. I guess a parent doesn't just need to teach their children how to be polite on the outside, have good table manners, and get good grades in school. I need to model for Annie how to be imperfect and live with other people who are too. Pray for me. I have a long way to go!

St. Louis or bust!

Bust it is. Our perfectly planned and scheduled vacation-- complete with lactation areas at the zoo and maps to each restaurant we wanted to try-- fell through. Royally. I started throwing up about 8 hours before we were planning to hit the road; fever and chills and the whole nine yards. No one hates being taken care of more than a nurse... except for a mother! I hadn't imagined before what it might be like to hold a bucket in one arm and breastfeed my baby with the other. (And actually, I am hoping that memory fades as quickly as childbirth seems to!) I was worried every time I fed her that I was breathing in her face and had to catch myself from giving her sweet little face slobbery kisses. It is a terrible feeling to feel like you can't give your baby what she needs. Thank goodness for my husband who was willing to bring her to me when she was hungry and let me sleep it off the rest of the time!

We are nearing a new month, and Annie has a new bag of tricks. Annie sits up on all fours and rocks back and forth, but hasn't figured out crawling just yet. In fact, she gets quite frustrated when trying to reach her toys because she pushes with her arms instead of her legs, forcing herself in the opposite direction that she is trying to go. She is an expert at rolling from her back to her belly. Unfortunately, she hates to be on her belly and she does not know how to roll to her back. We will often hear a spiteful cry about 3 minutes after I have laid her down for a nap. I will go in and sure as daylight, she is on her stomach and mad about it. I wonder who she thinks comes in and flips her over because she certainly doesn't think she did it!

Annie has always been a very vocal child and now she is starting to make some noises that sound like words. In a disturbing development, whenever she is getting laid down or rocked for a nap, getting her diaper changed, or not allowed to tip over the shiny glass of water, she lets out an exasperated "mamamamama!" Oh dear. So now I am associated with all things uncomfortable! We'll need to work on that I think. She loves other babies! I laid her on the blanket next to a baby at church whose mom was also in the nursing room and they cooed and reached for each other and laughed and played. It was pretty adorable if I don't say so myself.

We are hoping to do a local trip to the zoo today to replace our would-be trip to the zoo in St. Louis. We'll see how it goes!

Us and Them

So I had a revelation today as I packed Annie up to go out for a little shopping at an upscale outdoor mall nearby. I am one of "them". You know, those women who used to be all done up all the time and now walk around at the grocery store looking like they came straight from working out. Yesterday. Oh yes, I clearly remember being one of "us" not too long ago, passing such a woman in the store thinking, wow she really let herself go! Did she even look in a mirror before she stepped out? I will NOT be like that when I have kids!

Welcome reality check. Welcome humility. Welcome to my life as one of "them"! This morning I got Annie ready-- spent several minutes foraging through the many outfits she has (compliments of Grandma and Grandma) to find just the right one to compliment her skin tone. Then, I combed her hair into a matching cute bow barrette and positioned her on the sofa with a stuffed animal for some cute little shots for memory's sake. Then it was my turn. I impressed myself with remembering I can't go out in public in pj's, so I did the sniff test with a tshirt on the floor and threw on yesterday's workout capri's (which I hadn't washed yet... woops) and threw my not-combed, not-washed, needs-colored-and-cut-badly hair into a low pony tail and headed out the door.

I was walking through Hobby Lobby (ever so excited to spend my $25 gift card from last Christmas... yes LAST Christmas on a new wreath for the door) and these women are passing by giving warm smiles to Annie that quickly turned into shock and awe as they lifted their eyes to see her disheveled mommy toting her around. It was almost hilarious... Carmel has standards you see. They don't allow new building of businesses that aren't brick. They don't allow certain colored Christmas lights. And they specialize in botox treatments and facelifts. Appearances are everything!

Now, I will say it is important to me to keep "trying" for Michael, who would never say anything even if I didn't, let's call a spade a spade. He's a man and he probably likes for me to look like I feel cute. But I feel a lot more pressure to make myself up at 4:30 in the afternoon for just Michael in our little apartment than I do when I go out amongst "us" and "them". I am shocked at the change in perspective after getting married and having a baby. I feel pressure to be a good mom, to entertain and educate my little one, to exercise so I can live longer to see her grow up, to eat well so I can be an example to her, and to keep dangerous stuff off the floor and vacuum dirt away from her crawling space (formerly known as cleaning). I do not feel pressure to go out and shop for the perfect dress or spend $150 getting a killer hair cut or spend 4 hours finding the perfect shoes.

I will note that it is very nice to be in a secure relationship, loved by a man who loves our little darling so much that he is perfectly content with life right now. Michael definitely makes the transition to motherhood a much easier one. While I do hope that I go back to having time to make myself look presentable, I hope I can continue to value my family and my God far more than any material stuff I might be tempted to put ahead of them.

On a lighter note, I was babbling along with Annie, saying "ma-ma-ma-ma-ma" and I'll be darned if she didn't "repeat" after me, "Da-da-da-da"! What?! I mean, she is supposed to say MOMMY FIRST! Sigh. Annie is quite grabby these days, taking things right off the shelf at the grocery store if I'm not careful! She also thinks a fun game is to grab peoples' noses. This has made me much more vigilant in keeping her nails trimmed.

I am happy to report that Annie's digestive problems have been all but solved! We don't use the reflux medication anymore and she isn't throwing up. We also have had normal diapers lately! Thanks to some vegan websites, I have found delicious egg- and milk-free recipes for cupcakes (that involve only two ingredients and hide some super nutritious veggies under a layer of chocolately frosting!) and for pancakes... two things I was missing on my mostly-mediterranean diet. I have not found a good substitute for cheese, but soy yogurt is great in fruit smoothies and since it is grilling season, we have just been eating a lot of chicken and veggies with potatoes or rice.

Well that's all for the updates for now! Until next time...

First bites and First Colts game!

Tonight as I rocked little Annie to sleep, my eyes welled up with tears even after five months of doing the same thing every night. I just can't get over it! I wonder if a mother ever can. I am just overwhelmed with the love I have for her. Who could possibly know that it would be this deep!

On to the lighter and more mundane: Annie tried out rice cereal this week. The pediatrician recommends introducing it between 4 and 6 months, others say after 6 months. I didn't know what to do, so I went in the middle and tried it at 5 months! She has been watching longingly as Michael and I eat our meals, shoving her fingers in her mouth as she tries to mimic us. So I felt like maybe it was time. Michael grabbed the video camera and I fed her with my left hand while shooting pictures with my right. (I am sure if we have another, that child will feel totally ripped off because I won't be taking 8 pictures of him/her sucking toes or blowing raspberries) She was very curious, but I would not say she loved it. As you can see by her face, most of it ended up on her chin. I am not sure when I'll try rice-cereal-attempt number two, but I'm really in no hurry. She's perfectly happy with the milk factory for now.

Our little football fan had another "first" recently too: her first colts game! (On TV of course)She dressed for the occasion with her favorite blue bow and her Colts Onesie. Annie was very disappointed that Bob Sanders wasn't playing, but she says that she thinks the defense can handle it. And she knows he'll be feeling better in no time. :o)

I snuck a photo of Cubbie with Annie in here. These are becoming harder and harder to capture, as Cubbie has been hiding in our bedroom behind the bed on a regular basis during Annie's active awake times. She's a smart dog-- I am pretty sure I am missing a quarter of my rapidly-disappearing hair compliments of Annie's iron grip.

This teething thing is for the birds. I am hoping that horrid tooth will pop through her gums soon just so that she starts having some relief! The poor thing is waking up several times at night chewing on her fingers (and anything else she can get in her mouth). She's also been feeding poorly because of it. Poor baby!

I can't believe she is 5 months old. This goes by WAY too fast!

Teething already?

Well I spoke too soon about the sleeping going well. I think Annie must be teething. She has woken up at least 4 times both last night and the night before, crying and gnawing on her little fingers. I don't feel anything coming up under her gums but she seems to really like it when I rub the lower gums with my finger. I am not ready for teeth!! The really frustrating thing is that I cannot find a single book that will tell me how to stop it. (Just kidding)

We have also had some feeding issues lately. I think this is my own fault... when we were trying desperately to get her on some kind of sleep schedule, if she fell asleep while I was feeding her I just laid her down in her crib. Then, she started looking for something to suck on when she was going to bed, so, thinking she might be hungry, I fed her right before bed(secretly hoping this would also help her sleep longer). That has morphed into a terrible beast. Now, she refuses to eat until naptimes and is waking up often at night to eat. She is a sleep fighter and associates my feeding her with my putting her down for a nap! I am not sure how I'm going to get out of this one... I am thinking of pumping and feeding her bottles right after she wakes up until she gets rid of that association but I don't know if it will work!

We finally got a really good camera so look for a million pictures to come! I just got it working last night and I have already taken like 40 pictures. RIDICULOUS. But SO fun!! I was getting frustrated with my other camera(s) because they wouldn't take the picture at the speed I wanted. I would always see an adorable smile and want to capture it, but instead I'd get some pre-sneeze-looking face with eyes half shut. It has this really neat feature on it that I can't wait to try out: it will take 6 or 7 pictures in a row very quickly on the sports button so that you can capture a whole motion! I can't wait to get Cubbie catching her frisbee... Especially if I could get Annie's face in the foreground because she thinks Cubbie is hysterical when she plays frisbee.

Man I am so blessed, what a wondeful life! Sleep or no sleep, it is a good day when I have my sweet girl with me. I feel so fortunate to get to work part-time so I can be with her more. I think my heart couldn't handle it if I had it any other way! I know a lot of people who are ready to head back to work when the time comes and they don't feel any less a part of their kids lives. I just don't fit that bill! I used to feel like I was made to be an OB nurse. Now, I feel like I was made to be a mother. This is just the best job in the whole world!

Happy Girl!

We are rapidly approaching 20 weeks (Tuesday the 10th) and Annie is doing all kinds of new tricks. Last week, Annie started sitting up solo. She just can't stand to not see what is going on so she learned how to make herself a little bit taller. :o) At first, I was like, woah this is awesome! Then, my troubled mind drifted to what comes after sitting up: TROUBLE! I am fairly certain I will have to limit her to the hallway the day she becomes mobile. Annie is VERY active, kicking and grabbing everything in her reach. As I imagine broken lamps, falling bookcases, and cabinets full of cleaning agents, I realize I have a lot of work to do. On the bright side, Annie is in LOVE with Cubbie. Cubbie, on the other hand, is slowly learning that Annie is something she needs to run away from. So I figure we have a win-win here. The two can chase each other around and wear each other out and BOTH take naps!

We celebrated Michael's birthday this week and Annie was all too eager to help me "wrap" the presents. I am shocked at how quickly her hand-eye coordination has gone from lucky swipes to purposeful and calculated grabbing! I had her in a front-carrier while I was putting Michael's gifts in bags and boxes (which was my first mistake) and we'll just say I had a lot of re-wrapping to do. Turns out Annie loooves wrapping paper. And bows. And ripping things. Uh oh. (Stop laughing mom! I know I deserve it!) Annie also likes to try and pick the flowers off of the fabric on her boppy pillow, which is a very frustrating (and hilarious) task for her. She cannot figure out why those darned flowers won't come off! On a sad note, Annie has also learned how to grab hair. My hair, your hair, and her own hair! She has a couple of thin spots on the side of her head where got a fistful, gave a yank, and then cried because someone super mean just pulled on her hair!

She continues to be delighted with the mystery baby in the mirror. I'm not sure if she has figured out yet how there are two mommies: one speaking behind me and one looking at me from the front.

The sleeping situation is going AWESOME! She finally goes to bed around 7:30, wakes up around 7am, and takes three regular naps. We went through some very difficult periods of time where we had to lay her down, let her cry it out, and fall asleep on her own. I felt SO mean and it just didn't feel right. I ended up doing a combination of getting her most of the way asleep by rocking her and then laying her down that went much more smoothly and still gave us the same result. YAY for sleep!

I continue to just eat up every second I get with her. She is a joy and a blessing and makes our lives SO full and rich! It is amazing to me how little I care about money or things. As long as we have Annie, Michael and I are pretty well entertained and busy! I can't imagine life any other way, this is wonderful!! More to come...

18 Weeks

18 weeks

Annie is doing all sorts of fun new things now. Who knew than so much fun would come with an only $11,000 bill? (Yes, that was the actual amount pre-insurance for the hospital stay. And that doesn't even include the doctor's visits or pediatrician or NICU stay!) What is crazier than that bill is that in 25 years when Annie has babies (or whenever) it will seem like pocket change probably. Or maybe we will have a healthcare system that works by then. (Don't get me started...) Annie is doing better and better with tummy time because she loves Cubbie so much! I just park her right in front of the dog and throw the ball while Annie cackles and squeals through her hated tummy time. MUCH better. Annie loves to sit in front of the mirror and admire/laugh at the beautiful, talented, and hilarious baby staring back at her. Annie is definitely crossing over into the oral-fixation stage. Anything she sees goes straight into her mouth. (Even when she sees Cubbie, she chases her with her mouth first and when she can't reach her, THEN she grabs a handful of fur.) It is a daily frustration for her that she can't reach the giraffe on her exersaucer with her mouth. She is in the 84th % for her height and 75% for her weight as of her four month appointment. Now that I have cut out milk and eggs, Annie is happy and tummy-ache free now which is SUCH a blessing!

I decided Annie might do better with a little more routine in her life, which is easier said than done when you work two 12's a week. Even though I only work 2/3 of the hours I used to(at my other job anyway), one day she was waking up really early to go to the sitter's and the next day she was sleeping in until 9:30. As any adult knows who works a weird schedule like nurses do, sleep schedules get thrown off quite a bit when you swing the time you are waking up by 4 hours from one day to the next. So the goal was to shoot for a time that was in between when I have to get up on work days (around 5am) and when I naturally wake up on non-work days (around 8:30). It turns out there is a book written on every opinion on how to put a baby to sleep, ranging from letting her do whatever she wants whenever she wants to putting her down and letting her scream until she falls asleep from exhaustion so many days in a row that she gets used to sleeping during those times. And then there is everything in between as well.

I have opted for the mommy-knows-best method (this week). Sometimes, I put her to sleep and let her cry until she falls asleep, but it has to be the right moment. Her cry can't be passionate or angry; it must gusto and be sort of lazy sounding or this method will not work without a projectile vomit, which leads to changing sheets, a bath, and a very awake, very angry baby. Other times (my favorite times) I just rock her to sleep while singing and when she is mostly asleep, I put her down to let her fall the rest of the way asleep. Those times are few and far between now, as she is getting a bit of an independent streak and doesn't like to cuddle as much. Many times, she falls asleep nursing (especially at night) and then I lay her down. She had to sleep in her carseat for a long time because of her acid reflux and now I am also trying to transition her into the crib, in hopes that she can fall asleep in the pack n play at the sitter's house.

The sleeping issue is harder than I thought it would be. I want to do what is best for her and there really isn't a book titled, "Annie Purse's individualized sleeping prescription". So this is where the hypocrisy begins: I stay up too late reading books that tell me how to make her go to sleep early. Ha. She honestly hasn't ever been a "bad" sleeper. She started sleeping through the night at 11 weeks and whenever she wakes up at night, it is to get a 10 minute feeding and she goes straight back to bed. That is about the same amount of interruption I had from peeing at night while I was pregnant so I am pretty used to that a year later. It has been a year since I have had uninterrupted sleep. That is crazy. And I wouldn't trade Annie for good sleep in a million years.

Work is getting much easier in the sense that I can leave her and feel ok about it. I know she is in good hands and it is good to have conversation every now and then that doesn't involve saying, "la la la la !" or "Did you have a poopy?" or "Do you want some milk?". Bodily functions never were so fascinating... Not that I wouldn't take staying at home in a heartbeat, but this is not an option since we have not yet found a bonsai money tree (which my Aunt Shelley claims to have in her back yard) and healthcare is not optional unless you have a spare $12,000 laying around for the next one! (NO I am NOT pregnant)

On that note, I need to go engage in the masochistic activity known as the 30-day-shred. It does feel better to be working out again, but man. That Jillian is the devil! Until next time...

Time is flying

It is crazy to me to think that Annie is four months old today. Also crazy to think that the summer is more than half over! (Ok, maybe not technically, but I go by the June-July-August schedule!) Everyone told me she would grow up "so fast" but I can't believe it is actually happening that way! I want to freeze time and just sit in one moment long enough to absorb it well.

I was at the hospital for a few hours with a friend and her husband(who was getting an emergency appendectomy) with Annie and she had a first--she grabbed her foot and stuck it in her mouth. I thought this was exceedingly adorable and was thinking all kinds of crazy thoughts like, "Dang, where is my camera?" and "I need to write this down! It's like a milestone or something!" and "Lucky friends! They got to see a first!". Are all mothers this crazy? My friends, who don't have children yet, were probably thinking, "Katie. It is a foot in her mouth. Not only is that gross, but she will do that 800 more times in the next year!" No, actually, they were probably thinking, "I wonder what it is going to be like to have my appendix removed." Anyway, I think Annie provided some distraction (in a good way I hope) and helped with easing the tension a bit.

Everyone was right. Work is getting easier. I think it helps that we have figured out part, if not all, of the allergy situation because she isn't upset all the time. What is frustrating though, is that I am 11 days into no milk and no eggs and Annie has had some tummy troubles for 3 or 4 days now that do not appear to be related to allergies at all. (I'll spare you the poopy-diaper details...)But we're not sure. So, if this continues another week, we will remove soy from my diet. (Which is in EVERYTHING in case you were wondering). I think someday I will be happy going to work full time again, but for now I am loving my days off and dreaming about them on my days at work. If I have to work, I do the job I love, but man. There is nothing better than a foot in the mouth and blowing raspberries with my favorite little munchkin.

Food for thought

My uncle came to visit Annie in the middle of my 2-week fast on milk products and eggs. He is lactose intolerant and said to me, "well I never could figure out why some doctor thought that giving cow's milk to baby humans was a good idea. Cow's milk is for baby cows!" It is a weird thing... people are the only mammals who continue to drink milk after they are weaned from their mothers. It is even weirder that we want some other creature's intended-for-baby-milk as adults. I mean, this other-animal's-baby-milk even gets its own food group! What is that?

Weird as it is, my taste buds LOVE me some cow's milk! As an avid cheese-chocolate-yogurt-ice cream fan, I am sorely missing my beloved moo moo. Especially now, when I feel as though I relate quite well with the animal. Last week I added back eggs to Annie's diet and quickly discovered a red rash on her face, diaper area, and had messy stools and screaming fits. So, went back to the no-eggs, no-milk diet until the rashes and messy diapers went away. Then, I drank a glass of organic skim milk (hoping secretly that it was something we add to the milk and not the milk itself). And welcome back rash, screaming fits, and bad diapers. So, it seems that until sometime next spring, I am off of milk and eggs. I have swapped out noodles for rice (not because the noodles themselves are bad but because I almost always add some kind of dairy to my noodles), and we eat a lot of chicken and ground turkey and do lots of grilling. Luckily, I can eat many veggies without bothering Annie's stomach. I have also tried chocolate soy-milk, chocolate almond-milk, and soy ice cream. So far the soy-milk is ok, but not delicious. The Almond milk tastes like dessert! MMM! The ice cream needs a little help in the form of peanut butter, and then it's ok too. I am trying to figure out if almond milk would make good ice cream! I have an ice cream maker and am considering giving it a whirl. Soy cheese is not so delicious. It is edible, but tastes a little like fat-free cheese (if you've ever tried melting that, it doesn't so much melt. Grossy.) So I am thinking that taking the cheese off the pizza might be my best bet there for a while. Today I tried goat cheese. Not the same. Tastes a lot like cream cheese.

All of this food experimentation has made me think a lot about food itself though. I think I like food like druggies like crack. Yeah, I think food was intended to be enjoyed to a point. However, I think I over-enjoy it; as evidenced by my over-missing it! I have plenty of options left in the remaining food groups to have all that I need to satisfy my nutritional requirements. And yet, it seems like ice cream should be a requirement for summer at least! Luckily, chocolate in small amounts doesn't seem to bother her, so at least there is that. I wonder if this break from foods I like will help teach me a lesson about over-indulgence. Although, I have a feeling my control with this drug-of-choice will fluctuate over my lifetime. Food means so much more than just food to so many of us. It shows up on a bad day, on an especially good day, at family reunions, gatherings with friends, colts games, and sometimes when we are just plain bored. Oddly enough, the people on commercials who tempt us with a big mac (which I think is disgusting by the way) and large fry are 95 pounds and 5 foot 8. And I bet they didn't swallow the french fry they were taped putting in their mouths, while laughing and looking super sexy. And you know you go to McD's in high heals with your hair all done up! I guess it wouldn't sell very many chicken nuggets though to see a 100 pound 5-year-old wearing dirty clothes with no shoes on.

In other news, my friend Cara donated her old over-the-door bouncy seat to us way back when Annie was a newborn. We whipped it out this week and WOW does she love it! Which leads us to another "trick" she performs a little more than I'd like: high pitched, earth shattering, ear-drum-exploding squeals "of delight". Annie, when she is bouncing or conversing with her stuffed animals or slapping around her rattle toys, loves to squint her eyes shut, brace her body, and throw out a long and tormenting squeal to express her happiness. So I wonder, does she think this is how Michael and I communicate since we take it up an octave when we talk to her? Is my singing really that bad? Will she grow out of this? Because believe me, church is out of the question right now. I'll be watching the sermon from the breast-feeding room until she outgrows this one for sure! I posted this short video of her trying to eat the toys attached to her bouncy seat.

God and Babies

That might seem like a weird title for a blog entry. And this might seem like a weird picture to add to it, but it seemed like a great excuse to add a picture of Annie helping mommy make brownies! But anyway, I would say the most profound thing (depending on what you believe I guess...) about having Annie has been how it affected my relationship with God. I felt like getting married rocked my boat a lot and made me dependent on God to learn how to live with and love another person well in the midst of my own selfishness. Afterall, let's face it. One of the hardest parts of being married is saying "no" to the question, "Is it really worth the pain and suffering I can cause my spouse to get what I want?". I mean, we all want to be right, win the argument, have the dinner we wanted, keep the house clean the "right" way, go on the "more fun" vacation, etc. Even more deeply, we want to be loved how we want to be loved, and we want our spouses to perceive that they are loved how we feel like showing it. And we certainly don't want to show them respect or love when it feels like they didn't show it first! And so begins an ugly cycle of sin and selfishness and the beautiful process of God restoring us to His image one painful step at a time.

So, yes. Just being married made me more dependent on God in many ways. But having a baby... that has been 10x more powerful to me. I was just sharing with a friend who is thinking about trying to get pregnant and shared with me that she is afraid of miscarriage that it seems for those of us who like to plan (and therefor tend to worry), that pregnancy begins the cycle of letting your child go. I told her that it seems that some people-- the lucky and few who are laid back, don't struggle with letting their child go until kindergarten. Or maybe even graduation. Or maybe even a wedding, or all of the above. For me, it started with conception. During my pregnancy, four of my friends found out they were pregnant. Two of the four miscarried and it was just gut wrenching for them both and for me as I continued to grow and they continued to ache. I work in labor and delivery, and just about every month, we would have a woman come in to our unit who was my exact gestation (or within a few days of it) who was miscarrying. The census board at our unit lights those rooms up a different color so no one accidentally increases their pain by asking how the baby is or something, and so these reminders of how quickly pregnancy can end were constantly in my face and in a color that stuck out like a sore thumb. It was during that time that I decided I could not waste another second of this precious time worrying about what hadn't happened (even though it still could).

Yes, I could tell myself that most pregnancies don't miscarry. I could fill my mind with certain dates where I could be more sure it wouldn't happen. I could count on the odds and listen to her heartbeat more often than was necessary. I could look for signs on the ultrasound that reassured me at my appointments and listen to my doctor say, "everything looks good!". But that didn't help. What really helped was realizing this: God gave me this pregnancy, and God will sustain it if that is in His perfect plan for me, and He will not if it isn't. I don't claim to know what it is like to lose a child and I shudder to think about such a horror. But for me, getting through pregnancy meant that I had to let go of her right from the beginning. God held Annie in His arms and His love long before I held her in mine. God knows what I can handle and promises not to give me more than that. God can love her and give her what she needs more than I ever can. So, I made a decision to cherish every kick and every turn and to trust God that I was meant to feel those and I might or might not feel more than that.

Then, after doing everything "right" as far as was in my control, Annie ended up having a bad labor at the end. Turns out she had a short umbilical cord and I had a raging infection that was masked because I didn't get a very high fever from it. She delivered anyway, and after a brief stint in the NICU, she came back to me and stayed in my room. I spent my first night as a mother worried sick about my sweet baby, who was breathing fast as she slept right next to me, and cooing rhythmically as she tried to breathe. I wanted so badly to shut my burning eyes and sleep for the first time in two days, but I could not stop staring at her. So, once again, I had to stop and give her up. I had to trust that God would care for my baby and He would care for me. I could do what was in my power to do to keep her healthy and the rest was up to Him.

I wish I could say that after all of this thought and praying that I am now worry-free and completely centered on the truth of God's control and love for me. However, I find that every time something doesn't go how I planned it, I struggle again and must again turn to the Bible to concentrate on a verse that reminds me of what I believe God to be and to do. Now I guess I understand the Old Testament (and the New for that matter)a little bit better. I read about the "idiot Isrealites" who have been shown time and again God's faithfulness and time and again start praying to a carved rock or a piece of gold just to "be sure" they have their bases covered. Then, in a moment of clarity and humility, I declare a solid-Homer-Simpson "Doh!" as I think about all of the ways I have been shown God's faithfulness and I fall back into doubt every 5 minutes.

Annie is an amazing creation who reminds me daily of my need for a God who is gracious to help me raise her the right way. Because MAN I could be a TOTAL nut trying to grasp for control of her little life to keep bad things from happening. I mean, I'm not saying rules or structure or being educated on how to care for her are bad things by any means. And given the opportunity, I am prone to try and think of ways to control the entire Universe so that nothing unpredictable or remotely bad could ever happen! (What an arrogant thing to think-- that if I controlled it all it would be better! Probably not. Definitely not.) I think God gave us brains for a good reason and we ought to use them from time to time ;o). However, I could decide that Annie can't step out of the front door because she could get hit by a car. Or I could decide to deprive her of friends because she could catch a cold from them or (God forbid!) use her little brain to come up with ideas of her own!

I thank God for Annie every day and for all that I have already learned in this short time with her so far. Every moment is such a gift, uniquely designed for both of us. I believe that God allows me to worry so that I will allow myself to depend on Him more. I think He wants ALL of me. He is jealous for my time and my mind and my heart to be concentrated on Him only. Children take us there. Marriage takes us there. On the same token, being denied either takes us there too. I guess being on my knees isn't such a bad place to be after all...

July 4th

Annie had a busy first 4th of July! I ended up getting the entire day off for low census at the hospital which made me SO unbelievably happy! We spent the morning with Michael and Cubbie playing in the house and being thankful that we could spend a holiday together! That afternoon, we were surprised with a visit from Grandma Purse and Great Grandma Purse! They brought us some nice treats and some cute new outfits for Annie. Poor Annie... I thought she was going to have to go naked for a while there. ;o)

Michael grilled some amazing chicken on the charcoal grill that afternoon. After dinner, Annie got to go for her first swim! She got to sport her patriotic two-piece (the first and last the Michael will let her wear I think...). She tolerated it. She did do a lot of kicking around in the water, however I'm not sure that she knew what was going on with the the "giant bath tub". But we had a blast! She only got to stay in for about 15 minutes because it will still a smoking hot 88 degrees at 7pm. Since the bugs here are man-eating and to protect her ears, we did not partake in the fireworks this year, but hope to next time!

Annie is still enjoying blowing her spit all over everyone in the near vicinity (the cute term for this is blowing raspberries, something we can thank Grandpa Shields for showing her!). She loves to do high-pitched squeals and laugh out loud at that silly brown hairy thing with a tail (AKA Cubbie). I am having trouble willing myself to make her do her tummy time since she wails about 3 minutes into it. However, I am fairly certain she isn't going to learn how to crawl in her bouncy seat or on my lap, so it's time to buck up and let her cry a little I think.

Work is supposed to be getting easier for me. That is what I'm told. :o) However, I still feel like I am abandoning her when I leave in the morning and even tho

ug

h it is just twice a week, it is miserable to just walk away from her! I can only imagine how this will multiply when I work her first Christmas... but such is life and as long as we do health insurance this way, such it will still be! On the other hand, I have never been happier in my life with so little. I don't care if I have nice clothes, or if we can eat somewhere nice once a month. I don't care if it's raining or if it's nice or if my house is a wreck (which is a big deal for me to not care about, just ask Michael!) I feel SO blessed happy and contented just to be with my daughter and my husband. Anywhere. Doing anything. Who knew life could be so rich and full... Happy 4th of July! Here's to hoping your holiday was full of reasons to be thankful to live in a free country!

Happy Father's Day

As we round the corner of both Mother's Day and Father's Day, I stop to ponder how different my life was last year and just what it means to be a mother. This time last year, every night was date-night. We had unhindered one-on-one time to figure each other out, have fun, and explore our world together. I could cook whatever I wanted for dinner and shop for expensive, name-brand foods for that special dinner if I wanted. We could spend 50% of our free time training for the next big run we had signed up for. I could do anything that I thought would make me happy.

Time has changed and life has changed a lot! Going on a date might mean a splurge mocha at starbucks while we play cards (yep, that was actually our first post-annie date!) if and only if we find free babysitting (AKA one of our parents comes to town). I would say, if I had to sum up the one thing I gave up most becoming a mom, it would be this: SELFISHNESS. I never knew how selfish I truly was until I got married and saw that, for example, someone else I shared space with did NOT see that my way of doing the dishes (perfectly) was the only way of doing them. And not only that, it was not worth fighting about. Even if I was right. ;o) Then, Annie came a long. And Michael and I saw that we had even more work to do in the selfishness department. Sometimes you have a fever and a headache and just need to sleep for ten hours in a row. However, Annie can't feed herself so sleep comes secondary and no headache lasts forever. But wow, what a pay-off. I wouldn't trade a million nights out to fancy dinners or all the time in the world to keep up my house or endless movies or mini marathons or girls nights out or girls nights in or sleeping in or anything at all that i can possibly think of for my little girl. When I went back to work, I realized how much I really loved her. I loved being with her all the time! I loved that we saw each other sometimes for mid-night feeds and rocking her to sleep and snuggles under my chin. I didn't resent a second of all of our colicky walks around the house for hours or cleaning up reflux spit-up or doing three loads of laundry in a day. I feel so privileged. So happy. So fulfilled. I was made to be a mommy. I was made to be Annie's mommy. Being away from Annie makes my heart sick; as if I had forgotten a part of my own body at home. On the drive home from work, I have never been so tempted to speed out of control and it's all I can do to hold back the tears in anticipation! When I walk in the door after having been gone for 12 or 13 hours, holding her chubby, wobbly body in my arms and seeing her face light up is the best part of my day. Yes, Michael and I have a very different life than we did last year. It is so good.

Thanks to God for such a blessing as being parents. There has never been anything more wonderful, more terrifying, easier yet harder, more challenging, more beautiful, more right than this. Happy Father's Day Michael! Thank you for making me the happiest mother on the planet.

Back to work :o(

I knew going back to work would be hard. I had never been away from her for more than 5 hours that I can think of before this week! I went back on Wednesday and Thursday for 12 hours each and even though I had very good childcare while I was gone, I felt like I abandoned her. Everyone there was super nice and helpful so I could pump as often as was possible, but it was still just impossibly difficult. I had no idea how hard it would be to focus on anything else. I am told that this gets way better with time, nonetheless I am cutting back to two 12 hour shifts per week. The schedule came out before Michael and I decided to cut back though, so I now will have to wait until August. I didn't cry at work on my first day back, but the waterworks came on in full force when I got home! I slept maybe 6 hours that night, even though I had to work the next day because I wanted to hold my sleeping baby until I just couldn't keep my eyes open any longer. Then I woke up at 4:45 in the morning to do it again. The second day was much harder; I cried in the breakroom and teared up several times during the day. She did great with both of our sitters and with Michael while I was gone. When I got home, she gave me a big juicy, gummy grin and nursed for almost an hour. I had no idea how addicted I would be to my little sweet Annie. I feel heartbroken the entire time I am away from her!

On to less depressing things... Annie rolled from her tummy to her back on Tuesday! I could not get a repeat performance even though she was madder than blazes about being on her stomach after that. I am grateful for this, not sure I'm ready for a mobile child at only 3 months! More coming later!