Momma's Girl

Annie continues to melt her mommy's heart on a daily basis. She is becoming somewhat of a momma's girl. We have had problems getting her to stop crying with babysitters and she doesn't so much like to meet new people unless I'm holding her. I feel terrible leaving her because I don't want her to be miserable the whole time (or the people who were kind enough to watch her!). I still just can't get enough of her. I wonder if this will ever fade... I just want to rock her in her sleep all night long! If it weren't for the fact that I know her sleep is better in the crib, I think I would just hold her all night.

So I decided enough was enough. I joined weight watchers online and have been trying harder to be consistent in my workouts. I don't want to have Annie grow up around people who don't care about their health and I am not a good example right now! I have always wanted to be thin, but not more than I wanted to eat what I wanted to eat I guess. Having a child who will copy your every move certainly "ups the ante". I am excited to get on track, but nervous about how it will affect my milk supply. I'm only half-way through the nursing so I don't want to mess it up! So, if my milk supply drops dramatically, then I will wait a few months and try again later.

This past weekend, we got to spend some time with my family for my mom's birthday. It was so nice to be around other people who wanted to be around Annie and helped us with her. She is so lucky to get so much love!

It was in looking at the pictures we took
however that reality set in: I need to lose some serious weight! I was glad to get my hair cut recently and am happy to report that one good move in trying to look like a woman again led to more. It is weird to consider a shower, makeup, and hair done before noon an accomplishment, but if you've had a baby, you know it is! I digress... It is such a blessing to have a family on both sides who care so deeply for Annie and for Michael and I both. I think it is probably pretty unusual for both sides of the family to accept spouses they way ours have.

So I was watching Oprah (which I am not altogether impressed with--sorry if you like it!) and she had a celebrity on her show who had recently broken up with her celebrity boyfriend (or husband or something, but I believe he was the father of her child or at least very involved in the child's life). Oprah asked her when she knew it was over with him and her response drew cheers and high-fives, which sickened me. She said, "It just wasn't fun anymore... I have always thought I needed a lover to be in love but now I know that I can be in love with myself!" Wow. Did you just SAY that on tv? What kind of world are we living in where saying that, "it really is all about me" and "I'm living for the fun of it" is so commonplace that it not only doesn't raise an eyebrow, it gets high-fives? I had no idea how difficult (wonderful! but difficult none-the-less) marriage was until I got married. But I did know this going into it: if i walked out on every friend I had ever had conflict with because it stopped being fun, I'd either live in a very shallow world with shallow relationships or I'd have no friends. I knew that I had to reeeeeally work for it (even though I had no idea what that would look like until I got into it). Let's call a spade a spade. If life were always fun, all relationships would be easy. But I think that God allows difficulty in relationships and that they are that way on purpose.
I think the difficulty develops a person in humility, perseverance, and mercy towards others. After all, if you never realized that you were not perfect, you would probably not have sympathy for others when their imperfections surfaced. I am so thankful for a husband who didn't say, "Katie, you're not fun while you're pregnant. Or while you're not sleeping through the night. I'm done." Can you imagine being with someone who loves you that conditionally? I am sure that many of you can because you live in that reality.

I find so much assurance and peace in my times with God in light of the fact that I can't control who is going to work it out with me in my life and who is going to throw me out with the bath-water. We all make mistakes, and it may be that good friends of mine will decide my mistakes aren't worth being around. But I have a God who never leaves or forsakes me. Which is pretty amazing considering He is the only Person who knows every single bad thought, selfish thing I've done, and poor decision I've made. Ok. I'll get off of my soap box (until next time!).

Zoo trips, mistakes, and hair cuts

Tickets to the zoo for Michael and I: $40. Parking at the zoo: $10. Rummaging through grandma's purse: free. Sucking on the stroller: free. Ice cube in a sock for sore gums: free. Difference between the price for the zoo and going to a friend's farm for Annie to see the only three exhibits she cared about: nauseating. So, it turns out Annie doesn't pay any attention to "zoo animals". We stood right in front of a huge elephant (and I mean RIGHT in front) and she didn't pay any more attention to it than she would a moving van parked on the street. However, when we went by the cockroach exhibit (which.... WHY?!) she was fascinated! The next animal that peaked her interest? A cheetah? A monkey? The tiger? Nope. A goat. So the zoo was basically for Michael and I anyway. We were trying to salvage a botched vacation attempt that we missed because of a 24 hour virus. And the good thing is that we got to spend some quality time with both our lovie baby and two of her grandparents! Grandparents are always a good thing.

Monday I was looking at poor Annie and noticed that her mop of hair is constantly in her eyes. And that there was a 2 inch rat tail in the back. Even though I live in Indiana, the mullet was too much. I can pin back the hair in the front to a point, but she pulls the bows out and then she has trouble falling asleep because her hair keeps tickling her face. So I recruited Michael to help and did a little trim. It honestly doesn't look much different, but I cried over those little locks of hair. It seemed so permanent! I quickly grabbed some tape and got the lost ends to put in her memory book. I can't even get my brain around all of the emotional stuff that happens in motherhood. CRYING? Over HAIR? Reeeeally? I mean, this little girl is going to cut her own hair just like I did someday when my back is turned and she gets a hold of some scissors. I shudder to think about ACTUAL milestones like graduation and college and a wedding. I am going to be such a mess! Ok, you're right. I guess "going to be" maybe isn't right. I already am!

So I was thinking this week a lot about some things that have been hard in my life lately, many brought on by myself. Someday, Annie is going to be a very public window into my soul. What I mean by that is, she is going to copy everything I do! The good, the bad, and the downright ugly. What scares me more is that some of the traits I have that are not good ones (and let's call a spade a spade, we all have them) will bring her pain someday. I am not proud of this fact, but I am a people-pleaser to a fault and when I have conflict with people in my life, it just consumes me. This week, I felt that I had earned the right to run my mouth (or "vent" as some people like to label it more nicely). But who gave us the right to vent anyway? It seems to me that venting is a nice label for gossip and complaining. I don't see anywhere in the Bible where Jesus "vented". I don't know of any moral institution that finds complaining OR gossiping to be trait to aspire to. I wanted to take Annie and my husband and move to Alaska to hide from my shame and my mistake, but turns out you can't do that! So, I turned and faced the music. At the end of the day, I sat and thought about how this situation would look to Annie in three years when she sort of understands. Will she be sitting on the fake plastic phone using an angry tone talking about how her dolly didn't do something right and it wasn't her fault? God knew what He was doing. There is no motivation to change your sinful habits quite like knowing that your cherished and beloved child may someday mimic them. I am currently going through a book called "Relationships: A mess worth making". A quote in the book really struck me this week. "We often think that if God really cared for us, he would make our relationships easier. In reality, a difficult relationship is a mark of his love and care. We would prefer that God would just change the relationship, but he won't be content until the relationship changes us too." It also points out that "We live with this tension between self-protective isolation and the dream for meaningful relationships." How true. I guess a parent doesn't just need to teach their children how to be polite on the outside, have good table manners, and get good grades in school. I need to model for Annie how to be imperfect and live with other people who are too. Pray for me. I have a long way to go!

St. Louis or bust!

Bust it is. Our perfectly planned and scheduled vacation-- complete with lactation areas at the zoo and maps to each restaurant we wanted to try-- fell through. Royally. I started throwing up about 8 hours before we were planning to hit the road; fever and chills and the whole nine yards. No one hates being taken care of more than a nurse... except for a mother! I hadn't imagined before what it might be like to hold a bucket in one arm and breastfeed my baby with the other. (And actually, I am hoping that memory fades as quickly as childbirth seems to!) I was worried every time I fed her that I was breathing in her face and had to catch myself from giving her sweet little face slobbery kisses. It is a terrible feeling to feel like you can't give your baby what she needs. Thank goodness for my husband who was willing to bring her to me when she was hungry and let me sleep it off the rest of the time!

We are nearing a new month, and Annie has a new bag of tricks. Annie sits up on all fours and rocks back and forth, but hasn't figured out crawling just yet. In fact, she gets quite frustrated when trying to reach her toys because she pushes with her arms instead of her legs, forcing herself in the opposite direction that she is trying to go. She is an expert at rolling from her back to her belly. Unfortunately, she hates to be on her belly and she does not know how to roll to her back. We will often hear a spiteful cry about 3 minutes after I have laid her down for a nap. I will go in and sure as daylight, she is on her stomach and mad about it. I wonder who she thinks comes in and flips her over because she certainly doesn't think she did it!

Annie has always been a very vocal child and now she is starting to make some noises that sound like words. In a disturbing development, whenever she is getting laid down or rocked for a nap, getting her diaper changed, or not allowed to tip over the shiny glass of water, she lets out an exasperated "mamamamama!" Oh dear. So now I am associated with all things uncomfortable! We'll need to work on that I think. She loves other babies! I laid her on the blanket next to a baby at church whose mom was also in the nursing room and they cooed and reached for each other and laughed and played. It was pretty adorable if I don't say so myself.

We are hoping to do a local trip to the zoo today to replace our would-be trip to the zoo in St. Louis. We'll see how it goes!

Us and Them

So I had a revelation today as I packed Annie up to go out for a little shopping at an upscale outdoor mall nearby. I am one of "them". You know, those women who used to be all done up all the time and now walk around at the grocery store looking like they came straight from working out. Yesterday. Oh yes, I clearly remember being one of "us" not too long ago, passing such a woman in the store thinking, wow she really let herself go! Did she even look in a mirror before she stepped out? I will NOT be like that when I have kids!

Welcome reality check. Welcome humility. Welcome to my life as one of "them"! This morning I got Annie ready-- spent several minutes foraging through the many outfits she has (compliments of Grandma and Grandma) to find just the right one to compliment her skin tone. Then, I combed her hair into a matching cute bow barrette and positioned her on the sofa with a stuffed animal for some cute little shots for memory's sake. Then it was my turn. I impressed myself with remembering I can't go out in public in pj's, so I did the sniff test with a tshirt on the floor and threw on yesterday's workout capri's (which I hadn't washed yet... woops) and threw my not-combed, not-washed, needs-colored-and-cut-badly hair into a low pony tail and headed out the door.

I was walking through Hobby Lobby (ever so excited to spend my $25 gift card from last Christmas... yes LAST Christmas on a new wreath for the door) and these women are passing by giving warm smiles to Annie that quickly turned into shock and awe as they lifted their eyes to see her disheveled mommy toting her around. It was almost hilarious... Carmel has standards you see. They don't allow new building of businesses that aren't brick. They don't allow certain colored Christmas lights. And they specialize in botox treatments and facelifts. Appearances are everything!

Now, I will say it is important to me to keep "trying" for Michael, who would never say anything even if I didn't, let's call a spade a spade. He's a man and he probably likes for me to look like I feel cute. But I feel a lot more pressure to make myself up at 4:30 in the afternoon for just Michael in our little apartment than I do when I go out amongst "us" and "them". I am shocked at the change in perspective after getting married and having a baby. I feel pressure to be a good mom, to entertain and educate my little one, to exercise so I can live longer to see her grow up, to eat well so I can be an example to her, and to keep dangerous stuff off the floor and vacuum dirt away from her crawling space (formerly known as cleaning). I do not feel pressure to go out and shop for the perfect dress or spend $150 getting a killer hair cut or spend 4 hours finding the perfect shoes.

I will note that it is very nice to be in a secure relationship, loved by a man who loves our little darling so much that he is perfectly content with life right now. Michael definitely makes the transition to motherhood a much easier one. While I do hope that I go back to having time to make myself look presentable, I hope I can continue to value my family and my God far more than any material stuff I might be tempted to put ahead of them.

On a lighter note, I was babbling along with Annie, saying "ma-ma-ma-ma-ma" and I'll be darned if she didn't "repeat" after me, "Da-da-da-da"! What?! I mean, she is supposed to say MOMMY FIRST! Sigh. Annie is quite grabby these days, taking things right off the shelf at the grocery store if I'm not careful! She also thinks a fun game is to grab peoples' noses. This has made me much more vigilant in keeping her nails trimmed.

I am happy to report that Annie's digestive problems have been all but solved! We don't use the reflux medication anymore and she isn't throwing up. We also have had normal diapers lately! Thanks to some vegan websites, I have found delicious egg- and milk-free recipes for cupcakes (that involve only two ingredients and hide some super nutritious veggies under a layer of chocolately frosting!) and for pancakes... two things I was missing on my mostly-mediterranean diet. I have not found a good substitute for cheese, but soy yogurt is great in fruit smoothies and since it is grilling season, we have just been eating a lot of chicken and veggies with potatoes or rice.

Well that's all for the updates for now! Until next time...