Sometimes life just seems so uncertain, doesn't it? I am, by nature or nurture or whatever you want to peg it on, Type A. I have a love/hate, loathe/respect, embrace/resent relationship with that fact. I see friends who are so laid back and seem so comfortable and happy-go-lucky. Meanwhile, I pine away thinking up some master plan to secure my future. All the while, trying to fake that I didn't put much thought into it and am really quite comfortable with "whatever goes". God, I believe, has different plans for me. I honestly believe God foils my plans on purpose so that I might see something better and bigger than the little things that I waste my life perfecting so as to avoid a little pain.
I was reading Isaiah 43 today. "...Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name; you are Mine! When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; And through the rivers, they will not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched, Nor will the flame burn you. For I am the Lord your God, The Holy One of Israel, your Savior." I realized that this verse jumped out of my memory and bit me today because I think my drive to plan-plan-plan and perfect everything is mainly a product of my fearfulness. Somewhere deep down, I want to control everything because I think my plan is better somehow. So if God is what He says He is, and I believe that He is, then I have someone who will be with me when I feel like I am drowning. Someone knows I feel like if one more wave hits me, I will surely collapse and be swept away like shack in a mudslide. Someone, who is in control of the amount of pain and suffering that comes up in my life, says to me, "I know. And you may feel like you can't handle it, but I can. And I am here with you! And I am the point!" God does not promise to save me from literal natural disasters or to keep me from encountering situations that seem unfair or are painful. He promises to be with me and to make me come out on the other side for the better. Better does not mean what we all think it does. Job security, money, houses, even friendships are all temporary blessings that may come and go in my life. When someone asks you, "how are you doing, really?" Isn't it those things we think of immediately? Oh school is going great. The kids are growing up fast. I just got a promotion. I just got engaged. I just got.... fill in the blank with whatever you wish. Is the first thing that comes to mind deep satisfaction in a relationship with a God who loves you? I know it's not what comes to my mind first. What if the hardships are the good stuff? The things that make you realize what in your life is REALLY important? The things that help you get past your demons and your shortfalls to become the person you were created to be?
Michael and I were sitting in the living room today, talking about all of the areas in our lives that are uncertain right now. In fact, I struggle to come up with anything that DOES feel certain or under control! I didn't say it out loud, but death and taxes came to mind. I feel such an urge to grab the must-haves on my list of things I really don't want to let go and just plan my life to death to be "safe". Michael and Annie definitely are on that list of things. Isn't it hard with kids to truly let God have control? With a spouse who has his God-given goals and dreams that might or might not line up with all of yours? I know this is somewhere around the eight-hundredth time I have let this theme run rampant in my blogs, but like I said: I'm Type A and this is my struggle in life. The more I love something the more I struggle to just let go.
I hope that Annie and Michael get the blessing someday of a mother and wife who realizes that the one thing I should be grasping for and seeking out and pining after the most is my relationship with the God who promises everything that is good stuff and lets me go through what I must to get there. So for now, I am going to do my best to remember this verse all day long while I'm busy worrying my life away!
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
One Step at a Time
It is official. My little rugrat has done what I have been hoping she would delay for quite some time. In fact, the last blog I wrote was the day before she took her first steps! Annoyingly, she took them while she was holding on to the recliner standing next to Cubbie. She took the steps to reach Cubbie for a big furry hug! I mean, isn't she supposed to take her first steps to reach Mommy and Daddy? It amuses me every time I tell someone what she did, they exclaim happily, "wow! That is early! Good for her!". I'm sorry, but good for whom? As you can see, mobile Annie requires a lot more work! :o) Today I had her in the bathroom with me (I mean, it's tiny! What could she possibly get into when she is within arms reach all the time?) and you can see how that went. On the day she first walked, I had Annie in the living room surrounded by her eight-hundred new toys from Christmas and I (stupidly) thought it was safe to run to the bathroom to grab a hair tie quickly. I came around the corner to see that Annie had started to follow me in but got distracted by the pantry. She was sitting on the floor with an open Cheerios box(she even pulled off the chip-clip!), mouth and fist full of cheerios. 
Annie had a fun play-date lately. Here, she is meeting her future husband, Sam. Sam is just 6 days older than Annie, but he is in the 90th% for weight and Annie is in the 25th. It was quite the stark contrast! Isn't he hansome? We think they'd make a wonderful pair. Sam's parents and I watched and laughed as Annie and Sam grabbed for each others' hands, stole each others toys, and laughed at one another. We had to intervene, however, when Annie tried to give the stolen toy back. In Sam's eye. Details... we'll work on those skills later.
Speaking of Annie's weight, she dropped from the 50th to the 25th percentile between well-child appointments. Lactation consultants at work reassure me that this is normal, especially considering how, as my friends put it, "intense" she is. My pediatrician was concerned though. We have started to give her avacados with her meals and added in some other proteins like ground turkey and beans. She isn't taking to the new textures very well, but we'll keep working on it! I am beginning to wonder if my milk supply is on its way out... This week I was scheduled 4 twelve hour shifts in 8 days and had to take 4 hours of call in the middle of it. (I only work 24 hrs a week, but they ended up being at the back of one week and the front of the next so this is how it worked out). When I'm at work, I seldom take the time to drink more than a few glasses of water on the run and I might get to pump twice. This presents a huge dilemma when I work this much in one week. I am running low on my frozen milk for the sitter, Annie's weight is down, and I can't seem to be home enough days in a row to build it back up! Annie woke up twice last night and I think it was just because she was hungry. The other problem is that when I work, I don't sleep nearly enough and it is very hard for me to choose to stay up late and get up early to pump knowing full well it will be until the weekend before I get to attempt catching up on a fraction of my lost sleep. I'm not throwing in the towel yet, but I hope I can get this squared away sooner rather than later!
Annie had a fun play-date lately. Here, she is meeting her future husband, Sam. Sam is just 6 days older than Annie, but he is in the 90th% for weight and Annie is in the 25th. It was quite the stark contrast! Isn't he hansome? We think they'd make a wonderful pair. Sam's parents and I watched and laughed as Annie and Sam grabbed for each others' hands, stole each others toys, and laughed at one another. We had to intervene, however, when Annie tried to give the stolen toy back. In Sam's eye. Details... we'll work on those skills later.
Speaking of Annie's weight, she dropped from the 50th to the 25th percentile between well-child appointments. Lactation consultants at work reassure me that this is normal, especially considering how, as my friends put it, "intense" she is. My pediatrician was concerned though. We have started to give her avacados with her meals and added in some other proteins like ground turkey and beans. She isn't taking to the new textures very well, but we'll keep working on it! I am beginning to wonder if my milk supply is on its way out... This week I was scheduled 4 twelve hour shifts in 8 days and had to take 4 hours of call in the middle of it. (I only work 24 hrs a week, but they ended up being at the back of one week and the front of the next so this is how it worked out). When I'm at work, I seldom take the time to drink more than a few glasses of water on the run and I might get to pump twice. This presents a huge dilemma when I work this much in one week. I am running low on my frozen milk for the sitter, Annie's weight is down, and I can't seem to be home enough days in a row to build it back up! Annie woke up twice last night and I think it was just because she was hungry. The other problem is that when I work, I don't sleep nearly enough and it is very hard for me to choose to stay up late and get up early to pump knowing full well it will be until the weekend before I get to attempt catching up on a fraction of my lost sleep. I'm not throwing in the towel yet, but I hope I can get this squared away sooner rather than later!
It is a very difficult feeling to reach the point where you can't physically provide your child's nutrients. I thought I'd be pretty happy to make it this far honestly. It is surprising to me, as a person to claims no judgement towards my patients who choose to bottle feed, how much I am judging myself! 9 1/2 months of nursing while going to work (although part-time) is tough. As a nurse, I find it very difficult to ask others to take care of me while I'm supposed to be taking care of others. In my mind, knowing asking for breaks to pump was really for Annie made it much easier, but it is still easy to feel like you are a drag on the unit you're working on. I will continue to take every step I can to ensure Annie gets my milk until she is a year old, but I guess I need to be ok with the fact that if I can't, I can't.
Aside from the pumping, work is getting better and better for me in terms of not missing Annie like crazy the whole time I'm gone. It helps tremendously knowing my babysitter is a family friend and loves her dearly. I still felt a little choked up yesterday on my way to work, but 52 hours in 8 days is a lot of time to be away!
I am looking forward to a haircut and highlights on Friday. I feel like I look washed out and wintery! Michael and I have been comitted to working out and eating better lately and I am starting to feel better about myself there, but I need to get back to doing my hair on a regular basis! How does one take a shower when they have a walker though? She throws a FIT if I confine her in any way (to a jumpy seat, in a playpen, etc) while I am in the shower and her room shares a wall with my shower so when she is napping she often wakes up if I sneak in my shower then. I am half temped to put her in the shower with me! Hmm....
At our last appointment for Annie, she still has an ear infection that we are on round 2 of antibiotics with. She had just gotten over one in one ear when this one started in the other. I am sad to say I think I see tubes in our future... She has one strike left! I am fairly certain she is getting sick mostly from the church nursery (as am I!) but I need to keep in mind that socialization is very important, as is building up her immune system. Sick now, or sick in kindergarten? It's a wash if you ask me. Might as well get it over with! We also had to start her on some special lotion for her eczema. It appears I need to go back to strictly cutting out eggs and milk again. I have found some great recipes for baked goods that don't done use dairy or eggs, including chocolate chip cookies, brownies, and coffee cake. It helps to be watching what you are eating when its necessary to exclude eggs and dairy too since all of my comfort foods have them in the ingredients!
That's all for updates now! More to come...
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Lets get real
So. I would love to write a blog about how I feel as blessed as I truly am and how Mommyhood is nothing but roses. However, the truth of the matter is, I am feeling like a bad Mommy today. Annie is going on three weeks with who-knows-what sickness/cold/ear ache. She is being really clingy- if I pick her up, she reaches for the ground. When I set her down, she cries. When we play, she does ok for like 20 minutes and then she wants to do something else. Every 20 minutes. And she has been taking two 30 minute naps, 15 minutes of which I am rocking her to sleep and trying to get to her bedroom to sneak away before she knows I laid her down. So, my time to clean up, cook, do laundry, and take care of general business around the house has been SO limited! The only time I have to accomplish anything seems like it is after Annie goes to bed at 7. And then I stay up too late doing that stuff. And then it gets dirty again right after I clean it, as things that get used do. And I am frustrated. This is no surprise to anyone who has ever been a mother. This is the way it goes. I am a little sick myself (not bad, just a small cold) and have been for what seems like a month. I think I could get better if I just could get enough sleep, but sleep is not happening. I feel like I am on the edge of losing it!
This tiny stress (which really is tiny in the grand scheme of things) has really added stress to our marriage. Everyone has periods of stress in their marriages if they are honest, that is just the way relationships go. Sharing the responsibility of parenthood is a really good revealer of your true expectations and your true motives I believe. There is a little person who is completely dependent on you. Both of you. It feels really easy to point fingers and hold a grudge when things don't go smoothly. It is so hard to look at yourself and say, "wow, I am just as selfish as I think you are!", isn't it? I know this period of pulling weeds and laying new soil will pass on to greener pastures and that I am very fortunate to have a loving husband who is committed to getting in the dirt and pulling those weeds with me. It doesn't make me happy to be here though! Isn't that just the thing? God doesn't promise us happiness. He promises a lot of things, but happiness and comfort aren't two of them. I believe God promises joy--which is different in my mind than happiness. Happiness is directly related to your circumstances I think. Joy runs deeper to a place that can't be interrupted by life's snafu's. I need to spend more time praying and less time wishing things were different and recalling my day's injustices.
I feel really guilty being a stick in the mud. I am SO very blessed to have a child and especially one like Annie. I keep remembering the day I found out I had endometriosis. Even when I was a kid, I knew I always wanted to be a mommy. I played house with dolls, I babysat from the time I was 12 and on and loved it, and I just knew that was what I was supposed to be when I "grew up". Well, I am not sure if I ever grew up, but the day I was told that there might be a chance that fertility would be difficult for me, I was crushed. When I found out I was pregnant, I totally was not expecting it. My heart was elated and I was so grateful to God for this immeasurable gift. How quickly I forget. I never felt like I could relate to the Old Testament. Israel seemed to never get it right! And just like Israel, I went back to worshiping myself and my life and forgot about God's gracious gifts to me. Right now, I think God is teaching me to lean on Him and I am being stubborn. I want to be in control of things. I want to think that if I do everything just right as a mom, my child will do certain things in response. (Wowee, I am going to have a rough time with teenagers! I can see it now!) But Annie is just a baby. She doesn't understand why she doesn't feel good; why teeth hurt so much and don't ask permission; why she has to sleep when there is so much to see and to do! I am to guide her and direct her, but ultimately, she can jump off the path if she wants to.
Here's to praying this new year that I get just one step closer to letting go and letting God be God.
This tiny stress (which really is tiny in the grand scheme of things) has really added stress to our marriage. Everyone has periods of stress in their marriages if they are honest, that is just the way relationships go. Sharing the responsibility of parenthood is a really good revealer of your true expectations and your true motives I believe. There is a little person who is completely dependent on you. Both of you. It feels really easy to point fingers and hold a grudge when things don't go smoothly. It is so hard to look at yourself and say, "wow, I am just as selfish as I think you are!", isn't it? I know this period of pulling weeds and laying new soil will pass on to greener pastures and that I am very fortunate to have a loving husband who is committed to getting in the dirt and pulling those weeds with me. It doesn't make me happy to be here though! Isn't that just the thing? God doesn't promise us happiness. He promises a lot of things, but happiness and comfort aren't two of them. I believe God promises joy--which is different in my mind than happiness. Happiness is directly related to your circumstances I think. Joy runs deeper to a place that can't be interrupted by life's snafu's. I need to spend more time praying and less time wishing things were different and recalling my day's injustices.
I feel really guilty being a stick in the mud. I am SO very blessed to have a child and especially one like Annie. I keep remembering the day I found out I had endometriosis. Even when I was a kid, I knew I always wanted to be a mommy. I played house with dolls, I babysat from the time I was 12 and on and loved it, and I just knew that was what I was supposed to be when I "grew up". Well, I am not sure if I ever grew up, but the day I was told that there might be a chance that fertility would be difficult for me, I was crushed. When I found out I was pregnant, I totally was not expecting it. My heart was elated and I was so grateful to God for this immeasurable gift. How quickly I forget. I never felt like I could relate to the Old Testament. Israel seemed to never get it right! And just like Israel, I went back to worshiping myself and my life and forgot about God's gracious gifts to me. Right now, I think God is teaching me to lean on Him and I am being stubborn. I want to be in control of things. I want to think that if I do everything just right as a mom, my child will do certain things in response. (Wowee, I am going to have a rough time with teenagers! I can see it now!) But Annie is just a baby. She doesn't understand why she doesn't feel good; why teeth hurt so much and don't ask permission; why she has to sleep when there is so much to see and to do! I am to guide her and direct her, but ultimately, she can jump off the path if she wants to.
Here's to praying this new year that I get just one step closer to letting go and letting God be God.
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