The finest form of flattery

That is not magic fairy dust. Nope, that is good old fashioned gray, filthy furniture dust! Annie has been copying me and I have decided to invest in my future by cleaning cleaning cleaning! Annie complained very loudly when I resisted giving her my duster. She won it over and went to town "dusting" the furniture! It was very cute. She also enjoys taking her pigtails out and then setting the hair-tie on top of her head, as if the hair will just jump into the tie all by itself! She also loves to stand up on a chair next to me while I cook dinner or lunch. I mean, in a few years, maybe I'll have my own live-in cook! Hey, don't laugh. She's very quick for her age. It could happen! ;o)

Annie got to go to the Children's Museum for the first time recently! We had a blast with our friend Mary and her daughter Lyla, who is a little older than Annie. Annie enjoyed following her around and driving her crazy. :o) There is a toddler area specifically made for little ones just her size! She loved the padded playground where she could run across the bouncy bridge and climb up and down the padded stairs! She really enjoyed climbing up the chipped-rubber hills and even tried pull a fast one on me and go down the slide without me! We finished up our trip with her first ride on the carousel, which she just LOVED! I think I have a little dare-devil on my hands.

I have decided that Annie has figured it all out. She knows. She's cute. We walk around in the grocery store and Annie flirts with her big snaggle-toothed grin and then burries her head in my shoulder, then teases the unsuspecting passerby with another shy grin. Oh boy. I'm is so so so much trouble.

In fact, the day Annie turned 11 months old, she threw her very first hissy fit. I told her it was naptime, and proving my point, she pulled my glasses off of my face and threw them on the floor. I said, "No Annie. Time for a nap" and picked up my glasses. She took them off again and threw them on the floor in defiance. When I didn't allow her to do it a third time, she arched her back and went limp, heaving in full-body sobs. I set her on the floor, where she dropped dramatically to her knees and then her stomach, rolling across the living room floor pausing only to jabber angry protests and kick and throw her fists. I don't know what she thinks she is saying during those rants, but I am fairly certain it isn't Disney-channel approved. I picked her up, put her over my lap, and spanked her bottom. Then she laughed. Holy Moses, someone please send me a book. And then pray for me. Hard!

A Royal Flush

The title just about sums it up: Annie has learned how to flush the toilet. She has also recently learned how to put non-disposables in the trash, clean diapers in the diaper genie, and clap enthusiastically after doing either. Wait for it... here comes the second recurring theme in my blog: I am in a for a world of trouble! If I didn't have motivation before to keep things tidy, I sure do now. This is the stage where wedding rings mysteriously disappear off of night stands never to be found again, victims of the flushing abyss. This is when the plumber becomes a monthly bill to retrieve stuffed animals who truly lived up to their names in the crappiest way possible (pardon the pun). Yes, this is where you hear your cell phone ringing... where? I understand now why mothers in the airport have their children on those leashes disguised as stuffed animal back-packs!

Annie is quite the conversationalist lately. She carries on in baby-babble as if I knew what in the world she was saying. Sometimes she "sings" in her own little language as well when I turn on the radio. I am also waiting for Annie to start barking soon. Yesterday while I was talking on the phone with a friend, I turned around to notice Annie had disappeared. I ran through the house looking for her. She was perched right in front of the dog bowl, cheeks bulging just about as big as her eyes were. BUSTED. She tried to make haste, but I caught her and started fishing out chunky Iams from her chipmunk cheeks. No worries though, she had two fistfuls that I didn't notice and no sooner than I'd emptied the previous morsels had she stuffed in two more! I mean, does that even taste good? I guess I can't complain though. This is the kid who starts to throw a fit if I don't share my broccoli!

Annie started going to Goddard School twice a week while I am at work. She is adjusting quite well! Annie loves playing with the other kids. What I find hilarious though, is that she will be transitioning to the 1 yr old class soon, where she is expected to sleep on a cot. Oh silly teacher! You have a lot to learn about Annie. Maybe she will have me schooled by the end of next month and prove me wrong, but I think this is a long shot!

I am just now getting into the spirit of Valentine's Day. We received valentines from all of the grandparents over the last week for Annie and even for Michael and I! Today I went out and found sugar cookies that were quite delicious and also quite vegan at Whole Foods. YAY! So, I made some frosting from soy-butter (I really can't tell the difference between this and other frostings), dyed it red, and put heart cut-outs over the frosting and sprinkled red sugar on them. It'll be Annie's first cookie!

Another thing we will be doing on Valentine's Day is taking a trip to the Ear, Nose, and Throat specialist. Annie had a double ear infection last week, making that... oh I can't even count. Maybe four ear infections in six months? Two of which took two rounds of antibiotics. She has been exposed to 4 antibiotics already, which I am not thrilled about. So unfortunately, tubes may be in her future.

Speaking of firsts, Annie will turn one next month. As much as I told myself it would be silly to have a birthday party for a one-year-old who won't remember it, I am feeling very tempted to do it up big-- with family AND Annie's little "friends" (Aka anyone I know with a child under the age of 2). I am not sure what got into me, but Annie just loves to be around other kids and I think it would make her birthday so special! I also want to bum an idea off of my friend Mary and make her a storybook about her first year of life using pictures we took up until now.

Another update is that we may be in the housing market soon. We are feeling cramped in our apartment right now. The square footage is ok, but we need more rooms and more storage.

Well, I am too sleep deprived to keep typing after a week and a half of ear-infection-annie waking up several times a night. Here's to the hope of a healthy girl who sleeps through the night again!

Snow Days are for crazy moms

Do you remember when you were in school (ANY school... middle, elementary, college... Shoot, I'm sure this is even fun for GRAD students!) and you saw those magical words show up on the screen? "Closed". Oh sweet chocolate covered wonderfulness. Sleeping in, big breakfast, pajama day, games, movies.... nothing but laziness and fun! But now, ohhh but now. It all dawns on me that snow days make mothers crazy. And they are not good for the general health and well being of the public. :o) Now, Annie is not in school so she would be with me all day ordinarily. But usually, I am going to the gym for an hour and a half while I work out and think adult thoughts rather than "Do you need your diaper changed? Yes! That IS a doggie! Good job walking!" Those thoughts are fun and wow do I love Annie! And normally we go to the grocery store or do some kind of errand where Annie is distracted and looking around. And it is nice to not be running all day! But. OOOH big old but. I am going on day three of being inside my apartment, which is messy and cluttery (which drives me NUTS but is so overwhelming to clean that I don't even know where to start!) and I am feeling a little shut in! I can only imagine if Annie were 10 and she had a 7-year-old brother and a 4-year-old sister and they were all tugging on my pantleg wanting something to do and wreaking havoc all through my house. I am beginning to think that somewhere without snow days sounds nice... and without hurricane days. Arizona maybe? Just kidding of course. But man, wouldn't that be nice?

Annie has been growing up so fast! She can make it across our great room without sitting down or toppling over and she seems a lot more confident with her walking than she did even a few days ago. She has also learned that not only can you take things OUT of containers, you can put them IN! Yesterday I caught her trying to stuff clean diapers into the diaper pail, which was so cute! She was trying to help I think! We'll learn about clean and dirty diapers later, but for now I'm chalking this up as a victory! Then, in the bathroom my victory backfired as she started putting my toiletries in the garbage can. Oh well. I mean, when she knows that things can go in, that means she can learn how to put her toys away right?! What is next? Potty training?! Let's do it! Ok. Maybe I'm getting a little ahead of myself....

I made turkey goulash for dinner the other day and she LOVED it! She liked being able to pick up the pasta herself and feed herself, but I was a little surprised because I made it pretty spicy and she gobbled it right down! I guess Annie has a mature pallette and won't be lowering herslf down to one-flavored baby mush anymore. She also can give herself a drink with her sippy cup. It took us a while but I think she has figured out that you have to tilt it up to get the drink out.

We have also been learning about discipline some. I have discovered, thanks to the advice of a good friend, that if I label what I don't want her to do rather than just say "no", she can actually understand. For example, when she goes into the death roll while I change her diaper, I have been saying, "on your back please!" and she does it now! Amazing! But with understanding has come the ability to not obey. So, she decided to do the death roll anyway and I used a very stern voice and said, "No Annie. On your back." To which she replied with a defiant look and a roll to the side. So I did a two-finger slap on her hand and said, "No no Annie. Naughty." And then she giggled and laughed! Oh dear... I am in for it. Even I didn't do that when I was a baby! NOT FAIR!

Annie has been singing, dancing, and babbling almost nonstop. She also thinks that everything is a "doggie". The pen is a doggie, the puffs are doggies, doggie is a doggie... I am pretty excited that she has so many consonant sounds down though. She does baba, dada, mama, doggie, and daddy. Not bad for a 10 month old! She even did a "woof!" once when I was reading a book with a dog in it to her!

Annie has also nearly mastered the art of napping. She starts to get grumpy around 11, I put her in her crib, and then she sleeps for 1 to 2 hours at once! Oh how I LOVE this time. I can get a LOT done in an hour I have discovered. Or I can even take a nap! Yes, this stage definitely has its perks!

Well, here's to hoping that the roads get better soon, otherwise I might be way too excited to go to work this weekend! Nah... I'm sure I'll miss her the moment I start my car. Sigh.

This is the Good Stuff

Sometimes life just seems so uncertain, doesn't it? I am, by nature or nurture or whatever you want to peg it on, Type A. I have a love/hate, loathe/respect, embrace/resent relationship with that fact. I see friends who are so laid back and seem so comfortable and happy-go-lucky. Meanwhile, I pine away thinking up some master plan to secure my future. All the while, trying to fake that I didn't put much thought into it and am really quite comfortable with "whatever goes". God, I believe, has different plans for me. I honestly believe God foils my plans on purpose so that I might see something better and bigger than the little things that I waste my life perfecting so as to avoid a little pain.

I was reading Isaiah 43 today. "...Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name; you are Mine! When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; And through the rivers, they will not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched, Nor will the flame burn you. For I am the Lord your God, The Holy One of Israel, your Savior." I realized that this verse jumped out of my memory and bit me today because I think my drive to plan-plan-plan and perfect everything is mainly a product of my fearfulness. Somewhere deep down, I want to control everything because I think my plan is better somehow. So if God is what He says He is, and I believe that He is, then I have someone who will be with me when I feel like I am drowning. Someone knows I feel like if one more wave hits me, I will surely collapse and be swept away like shack in a mudslide. Someone, who is in control of the amount of pain and suffering that comes up in my life, says to me, "I know. And you may feel like you can't handle it, but I can. And I am here with you! And I am the point!" God does not promise to save me from literal natural disasters or to keep me from encountering situations that seem unfair or are painful. He promises to be with me and to make me come out on the other side for the better. Better does not mean what we all think it does. Job security, money, houses, even friendships are all temporary blessings that may come and go in my life. When someone asks you, "how are you doing, really?" Isn't it those things we think of immediately? Oh school is going great. The kids are growing up fast. I just got a promotion. I just got engaged. I just got.... fill in the blank with whatever you wish. Is the first thing that comes to mind deep satisfaction in a relationship with a God who loves you? I know it's not what comes to my mind first. What if the hardships are the good stuff? The things that make you realize what in your life is REALLY important? The things that help you get past your demons and your shortfalls to become the person you were created to be?

Michael and I were sitting in the living room today, talking about all of the areas in our lives that are uncertain right now. In fact, I struggle to come up with anything that DOES feel certain or under control! I didn't say it out loud, but death and taxes came to mind. I feel such an urge to grab the must-haves on my list of things I really don't want to let go and just plan my life to death to be "safe". Michael and Annie definitely are on that list of things. Isn't it hard with kids to truly let God have control? With a spouse who has his God-given goals and dreams that might or might not line up with all of yours? I know this is somewhere around the eight-hundredth time I have let this theme run rampant in my blogs, but like I said: I'm Type A and this is my struggle in life. The more I love something the more I struggle to just let go.

I hope that Annie and Michael get the blessing someday of a mother and wife who realizes that the one thing I should be grasping for and seeking out and pining after the most is my relationship with the God who promises everything that is good stuff and lets me go through what I must to get there. So for now, I am going to do my best to remember this verse all day long while I'm busy worrying my life away!

One Step at a Time

It is official. My little rugrat has done what I have been hoping she would delay for quite some time. In fact, the last blog I wrote was the day before she took her first steps! Annoyingly, she took them while she was holding on to the recliner standing next to Cubbie. She took the steps to reach Cubbie for a big furry hug! I mean, isn't she supposed to take her first steps to reach Mommy and Daddy? It amuses me every time I tell someone what she did, they exclaim happily, "wow! That is early! Good for her!". I'm sorry, but good for whom? As you can see, mobile Annie requires a lot more work! :o) Today I had her in the bathroom with me (I mean, it's tiny! What could she possibly get into when she is within arms reach all the time?) and you can see how that went. On the day she first walked, I had Annie in the living room surrounded by her eight-hundred new toys from Christmas and I (stupidly) thought it was safe to run to the bathroom to grab a hair tie quickly. I came around the corner to see that Annie had started to follow me in but got distracted by the pantry. She was sitting on the floor with an open Cheerios box(she even pulled off the chip-clip!), mouth and fist full of cheerios. Annie had a fun play-date lately. Here, she is meeting her future husband, Sam. Sam is just 6 days older than Annie, but he is in the 90th% for weight and Annie is in the 25th. It was quite the stark contrast! Isn't he hansome? We think they'd make a wonderful pair. Sam's parents and I watched and laughed as Annie and Sam grabbed for each others' hands, stole each others toys, and laughed at one another. We had to intervene, however, when Annie tried to give the stolen toy back. In Sam's eye. Details... we'll work on those skills later.

Speaking of Annie's weight, she dropped from the 50th to the 25th percentile between well-child appointments. Lactation consultants at work reassure me that this is normal, especially considering how, as my friends put it, "intense" she is. My pediatrician was concerned though. We have started to give her avacados with her meals and added in some other proteins like ground turkey and beans. She isn't taking to the new textures very well, but we'll keep working on it! I am beginning to wonder if my milk supply is on its way out... This week I was scheduled 4 twelve hour shifts in 8 days and had to take 4 hours of call in the middle of it. (I only work 24 hrs a week, but they ended up being at the back of one week and the front of the next so this is how it worked out). When I'm at work, I seldom take the time to drink more than a few glasses of water on the run and I might get to pump twice. This presents a huge dilemma when I work this much in one week. I am running low on my frozen milk for the sitter, Annie's weight is down, and I can't seem to be home enough days in a row to build it back up! Annie woke up twice last night and I think it was just because she was hungry. The other problem is that when I work, I don't sleep nearly enough and it is very hard for me to choose to stay up late and get up early to pump knowing full well it will be until the weekend before I get to attempt catching up on a fraction of my lost sleep. I'm not throwing in the towel yet, but I hope I can get this squared away sooner rather than later!

It is a very difficult feeling to reach the point where you can't physically provide your child's nutrients. I thought I'd be pretty happy to make it this far honestly. It is surprising to me, as a person to claims no judgement towards my patients who choose to bottle feed, how much I am judging myself! 9 1/2 months of nursing while going to work (although part-time) is tough. As a nurse, I find it very difficult to ask others to take care of me while I'm supposed to be taking care of others. In my mind, knowing asking for breaks to pump was really for Annie made it much easier, but it is still easy to feel like you are a drag on the unit you're working on. I will continue to take every step I can to ensure Annie gets my milk until she is a year old, but I guess I need to be ok with the fact that if I can't, I can't.

Aside from the pumping, work is getting better and better for me in terms of not missing Annie like crazy the whole time I'm gone. It helps tremendously knowing my babysitter is a family friend and loves her dearly. I still felt a little choked up yesterday on my way to work, but 52 hours in 8 days is a lot of time to be away!

I am looking forward to a haircut and highlights on Friday. I feel like I look washed out and wintery! Michael and I have been comitted to working out and eating better lately and I am starting to feel better about myself there, but I need to get back to doing my hair on a regular basis! How does one take a shower when they have a walker though? She throws a FIT if I confine her in any way (to a jumpy seat, in a playpen, etc) while I am in the shower and her room shares a wall with my shower so when she is napping she often wakes up if I sneak in my shower then. I am half temped to put her in the shower with me! Hmm....

At our last appointment for Annie, she still has an ear infection that we are on round 2 of antibiotics with. She had just gotten over one in one ear when this one started in the other. I am sad to say I think I see tubes in our future... She has one strike left! I am fairly certain she is getting sick mostly from the church nursery (as am I!) but I need to keep in mind that socialization is very important, as is building up her immune system. Sick now, or sick in kindergarten? It's a wash if you ask me. Might as well get it over with! We also had to start her on some special lotion for her eczema. It appears I need to go back to strictly cutting out eggs and milk again. I have found some great recipes for baked goods that don't done use dairy or eggs, including chocolate chip cookies, brownies, and coffee cake. It helps to be watching what you are eating when its necessary to exclude eggs and dairy too since all of my comfort foods have them in the ingredients!

That's all for updates now! More to come...

Lets get real

So. I would love to write a blog about how I feel as blessed as I truly am and how Mommyhood is nothing but roses. However, the truth of the matter is, I am feeling like a bad Mommy today. Annie is going on three weeks with who-knows-what sickness/cold/ear ache. She is being really clingy- if I pick her up, she reaches for the ground. When I set her down, she cries. When we play, she does ok for like 20 minutes and then she wants to do something else. Every 20 minutes. And she has been taking two 30 minute naps, 15 minutes of which I am rocking her to sleep and trying to get to her bedroom to sneak away before she knows I laid her down. So, my time to clean up, cook, do laundry, and take care of general business around the house has been SO limited! The only time I have to accomplish anything seems like it is after Annie goes to bed at 7. And then I stay up too late doing that stuff. And then it gets dirty again right after I clean it, as things that get used do. And I am frustrated. This is no surprise to anyone who has ever been a mother. This is the way it goes. I am a little sick myself (not bad, just a small cold) and have been for what seems like a month. I think I could get better if I just could get enough sleep, but sleep is not happening. I feel like I am on the edge of losing it!

This tiny stress (which really is tiny in the grand scheme of things) has really added stress to our marriage. Everyone has periods of stress in their marriages if they are honest, that is just the way relationships go. Sharing the responsibility of parenthood is a really good revealer of your true expectations and your true motives I believe. There is a little person who is completely dependent on you. Both of you. It feels really easy to point fingers and hold a grudge when things don't go smoothly. It is so hard to look at yourself and say, "wow, I am just as selfish as I think you are!", isn't it? I know this period of pulling weeds and laying new soil will pass on to greener pastures and that I am very fortunate to have a loving husband who is committed to getting in the dirt and pulling those weeds with me. It doesn't make me happy to be here though! Isn't that just the thing? God doesn't promise us happiness. He promises a lot of things, but happiness and comfort aren't two of them. I believe God promises joy--which is different in my mind than happiness. Happiness is directly related to your circumstances I think. Joy runs deeper to a place that can't be interrupted by life's snafu's. I need to spend more time praying and less time wishing things were different and recalling my day's injustices.

I feel really guilty being a stick in the mud. I am SO very blessed to have a child and especially one like Annie. I keep remembering the day I found out I had endometriosis. Even when I was a kid, I knew I always wanted to be a mommy. I played house with dolls, I babysat from the time I was 12 and on and loved it, and I just knew that was what I was supposed to be when I "grew up". Well, I am not sure if I ever grew up, but the day I was told that there might be a chance that fertility would be difficult for me, I was crushed. When I found out I was pregnant, I totally was not expecting it. My heart was elated and I was so grateful to God for this immeasurable gift. How quickly I forget. I never felt like I could relate to the Old Testament. Israel seemed to never get it right! And just like Israel, I went back to worshiping myself and my life and forgot about God's gracious gifts to me. Right now, I think God is teaching me to lean on Him and I am being stubborn. I want to be in control of things. I want to think that if I do everything just right as a mom, my child will do certain things in response. (Wowee, I am going to have a rough time with teenagers! I can see it now!) But Annie is just a baby. She doesn't understand why she doesn't feel good; why teeth hurt so much and don't ask permission; why she has to sleep when there is so much to see and to do! I am to guide her and direct her, but ultimately, she can jump off the path if she wants to.

Here's to praying this new year that I get just one step closer to letting go and letting God be God.

Christmas tooth

Annie's first Christmas... or maybe more appropriately "The first Christmas with Annie" for the rest of us, was SUPER FUN! Well mostly anyway. A few days before Christmas, Annie came down with an ear infection, pink eye, and her first tooth all on the same day! And the crazy part is she was no worse for the wear. She was happy and mobile as ever! The downside to teeth: Biting. Need I say more?

Christmas Day we woke up late as a family (THANK YOU ANNIE!!) and ate some breakfast together. My hope is to make Christmas breakfast a fun tradition for our family. This year I had to make three separate breakfasts as egg-free, dairy-free didn't sound appealing (understandably) to Michael. So I made one cheesy ham omelet him, one dairy and egg free waffle for me, and apple oatmeal for Annie. Then, we sat around the tree, anxiously waiting for Annie to figure out the box in front of her was for ripping into. We didn't think this would take long because she is a box-opening-specialist, but for whatever reason she needed some goading. All it took was tearing the corner of the pretty paper and it was on! Annie LOVED her new little talking-singing-spanglish kitchen. We got to spend good time with both families (Shields and Purse) over the holidays which was really nice! I spent the first day back deciding which toys to put out for her and which ones to hide and bring out later!

Annie has perfected some signature moves recently. One of which I like to refer to as the "death roll". I believe this is what alligators do to kill their prey. This is also what Annie does to kill her mother. JUST when I get an especially messy diaper off, Annie starts twisting her entire body in an effort to turn around and stand up. Baby wrangling is the next class on my to-do list. I will win!

Annie also has learned an especially adorable trick. While she helps me with (unfolding the clean) laundry, she will usually grab a garment, pull it over her head and wait for mommy to play peek-a-boo! What is even funnier is that sometimes the garment is underwear. I can't wait to get a picture of that...

Thanks to her Grandma Shields (THANKS A LOT!) Annie can climb stairs. And anything else that is knee-height for that matter. Annie is CRAZY full of energy. With an attention span of about a half second, Annie gets into everything! She will go from one "no no" to another, spanning the room from the stairs to the electrical outlet, to mommy's phone, to her purse, to shoes, to the dog, to the dog's toys.... Nevermind that she got a million really cool toys for Christmas that light up and sing! You see, toys are for children and I have a monkey.

I can't believe we have entered a new year. As I look back, we have much to be thankful for! Great friends, loving family, and the biggest blessing we have ever received--our little Annie--have made this last year one to remember! Annie is looking more and more like a little toddler and acting less and less like my little baby! I cherish the moments she still allows me to snuggle with her and rock with her as I know those are going to be few and far between soon. Every stage has been a blast and we look forward to whatever surprises come in 2011!