And another one bites the dust!

Woah I forgot what life was like with a newborn!  Elliott, luckily, is a better sleeper than Annie was, but not by a whole lot.  Last night I felt like I was on the bus-no, driving the bus- to crazytown.  I haven't slept a lot (which is a song I've sung before... oh yes it's all coming back!) in many days in spite of my sweet husband helping as much as a man who is not lactating is able to.  I tried for several hours to get Elliott to sleep but by 10:15 I brought him down to my awesome husband as I ran out of ideas to make him happy and was beginning to feel deliriously tired.  My loving husband took him, crying and inconsolable, to let me sleep for a good hour.  At 11:15 I tried to feed him, but that was not what he wanted.  He ate anyway of course, being the good boy that he is, and then threw it up because it was too much.  I don't remember what time it was when I hit the wall, but there came a point when we were BOTH crying.  Again, my knight in shining armor took him out of the room just as I was trying to reason with my three-week-old, "Elliott!  Stop crying!  Go to sleep!  You can't do this every night!".  (Watch me, mom.)  And finally I got 3 hours of sleep IN A ROW!  YAY!  The next thing I remember is Annie waking up.  At 7 a.m.  AAHHH!

It's funny (or maybe sad) how I never ever remember to call on my God to help me in times like this.  And yet, He takes care of me in my disobedient and ungrateful state.  I prayed and prayed to have children and was soo happy when I discovered I was expecting for both Annie and Elliott's pregnancies.  Then, when God gave me what I so desperately wanted, I was (am)ungrateful and losing my patience.  With a baby!  I don't want to wish this time away...  babies are sooo precious and so impressionable.  I want both of my children to enjoy me and I them.  I want to look back on this time and remember playing silly games in the living room and snuggling with my sweet baby boy while he coos.  I am acutely aware that many many aching women want nothing more than to experience these sleepless nights and temper tantrums with a couple of kids.  Every mother of grown children who tears up when they see my precious kids out with me reminds me that they grow up too fast.  And then I remember it was only two short years ago that Annie was teeny tiny and unable to so much as roll over without my help.

This morning I woke up and decided I should do something about my attitude because I can't do much about my sleep.  I texted my parents and my prayer partner and asked for them to pray for my perspective.  I so quickly write God off as unable/unwilling/uninterested in helping me with the big stuff, let alone meeting my day-to-day needs.  Moments after this text, my dad called and gave me words of comfort.  Then, I received a text from a friend (who I had not shared about my difficulties with recently) asking if she could watch the kids one day next week so I could take a nap.  Is God ignoring me?  No, He is graciously providing in spite of my attitude.  We got our seventh meal last night from a friend in our small group and I have not had to buy a or prepare much at all since having Elliott in the house with us.  Today, my neighbor was outside trying to get her toddler to get in the van so she could run some errands.  Annie and Lucy are the best of friends and they just wanted to play.  I told her to leave Lucy with me so they could play and was able to get laundry done, beds made, and this blog typed all while feeding a newborn!  How good He is to me.   God help me remember this in five minutes when I lose my mind again!

Elliott is here!

He's here!  It felt like I was WAY overdue, but turns out I was only 40 weeks and two days.  Annie came at 38 weeks so I felt like I had reached "term" two weeks earlier.  The last couple of weeks were pretty tough...  I hadn't reached the point with her where I couldn't touch my toes or shave or felt completely spent at the end of the day but I did with Elliott!  This might have something to do with the fact that I am the proud mommy of an especially active two year old...Annie would taunt me almost hourly with, "Go to the hospital?  I wanna see Elliott.  I wanna hold him."  and "Mommy really big.  Annie carry mommy to the baby doctor."  The week he was born I felt I was in a bit of a dilemma.  He was measuring small at about 37 weeks which my OB assured me was normal because he had dropped.  However, OB nurses have seen it all and we worry.  I wasn't comfortable waiting until past 41 weeks for him to come unless I could have an ultrasound to reassure me my fluid levels were still good and he was growing well.  Since my OB doesn't do them until 41 weeks, I decided to schedule an induction.  The induction was to be for Friday May 4th because my doctor wasn't on for the weekend or the monday after that and the next day she was on was my 41 week day and I was too nervous to go that long.  Tuesday night of that week, I was sure I was going into labor when I woke up at about 2 am with a painful contraction, followed 8 minutes later by another.  And another.  And another.  I got up and started moving around, then they got to be about 5 minutes apart.  By 6am I told Michael to stay home from work and had called my parents to tell them I thought maybe this was it.  When my parents arrived around 9, my contractions had spaced back out to 8 to 10 minutes apart and weren't as strong.  Bummed, but sure they would come back, we went shopping and walking and trying to get things moving.  When I figured out it was a no-go, I sent them home and tried to take a nap.  All day, the contractions were anywhere from a half hour to an hour apart.  Never gone, never really there either.  SUPER disappointing!  That night, same time, same place!  Contractions.  8 to 10 minutes apart.  I wouldn't be dummied this time into calling in the backup though... Like Chinese water torture, every time I shut my eyes and was almost asleep, in crept another contraction that woke me up and I had to breathe through, but didn't come close enough together to call my doctor.  My mom came to the house to watch Annie for me and let me try to nap throughout the day and Michael's mom would be headed in to town about noon to watch Annie for the induction the next day. 

Exhausted, I headed in for my regularly scheduled 40 week appointment Thursday morning.  This time I was dilated to 4 and 75% effaced, which is a good start but I was not overly impressed considering how much contracting I had been doing!  I had resigned myself to getting induced the next morning and went home to try and take a nap during my now 30-minute intervals between contractions.  I slept for a good two hours while snuggling with Annie during her nap and got up feeling quite refreshed!  I went downstairs to hang out with the Grandmas and back came those contractions.  8 minutes apart!  I would stop talking with them and breathe through each one and my mom said to me, "Katie those were a lot closer than 8 minutes."  I didn't believe her.  It was about 4pm when she started timing them.  Sure enough, 7 minutes apart.  I was thinking, WOOPIE-DO!  I have been doing that for two days now!  Then the next half hour they were 5 to 6 minutes apart.  And they hurt a little more.  By 5pm (while Michael was stuck in horrible traffic of course) they had become 4 minutes apart and I had to lean over the counter because they were hurting enough to really catch my attention.  My sweet mini-nurse (Annie) came to my aid with a band aid, which she stuck right on my belly where those contractions hurt.  Funny girl!  I thought maybe I should call the doctor, but was still half-expecting them to disappear. I finally called around 5:45 and we headed to the hospital around 6:15 when Michael got home. 

My admit time was 6:43.  I was waiting for the night shift nurse to come on and my contractions spaced out a little, but were quite painful so I didn't worry too much.  I started filling out my consents and my admit computer-work (like the horrible patient that, as a nurse, I admittedly am!).  I was relieved to know that Beth Milbee, an wonderful person and a really good nurse, was going to be caring for me.  I didn't look like I was in bad shape (nor did I feel like I was) so we chatted and took our time, starting an IV and getting Elliott on the monitor.  20 minutes into the monitoring I knew I was ready to try something different.  She checked me and I was dilated to 6!  Most people are excited when they are dilated to six.  I was scared.  I was like, Uh oh.  This might go fast.  I "wanted" to do natural labor (or try it at least) but I had serious reservations.  Yep, I teach the natural class.  The reservations I had have don't have to do with the theory behind all of it, but with the 1% chance kind of things you see when you work at a big hospital delivering babies in high risk situations, one of which I had with my last delivery.  (I will leave it at that because I don't want to scare anyone!)  So I got in the tub after my monitoring was finished, and it felt awesome for about 2 minutes.  Then it felt reeeeally bad.  My contractions were coming so fast and so hard I couldn't really get ahold of myself.  As soon as I would prepare my brain for what one felt like, the next would be much worse and I wasn't sure I wanted to do it anymore. 

My parents showed up and I was kind of a mess at that point.  Beth was super patient with me!  She reminded me that this was what the tub was supposed to do and I was "textbook" for advancing my labor in the warm water.  I felt my water break and that was when I started to lose it.  I thought, "oh no.  It's too late for an epidural now!  This is going to happen!"  I knew even if I got an epidural right then (which was not going to happen as I was sitting in water), it probably wouldn't set up in time anyway, but this didn't stop me from I begging for it.  Turns out the CRNA was in the operating room doing a c-section anyway and couldn't come.  No OB nurse wants to discover that they are a "yeller", but that is what I was.  I was quickly losing my mind and my groans escalated into a scream at the peak of some of my contractions and I would cry, "I can't do this!  I don't want to!  Where's my epidural!  Get me out of this tub!!"  I was praying to pass out.  When I could barely lift my leg over the tub, I knew this was almost over.  I hobbled to the bathroom where I had a contraction that was HORRID.  I didn't know if I should stand up or sit down or lean over or squat.  I tried all of the above and each one made me feel a little pushy, so I would say, "no no no no!" and move again.  I got in the bed and a couple contractions later(I think?  I can't really remember), I really felt like I had to push.  Michael was right there, said all the right things and was truly awesome even though an alien had inhabited his wife's body.  Beth had already called another nurse to get my doctor headed to the hospital, but it was too late.  He was coming!  The doctor around the corner came in and barely got gloves on and out he came, one good push later.  Instantly I felt fine.  Super weird!  Will I do it again should we decide (or should God bless us with a surprise) to have a third?  Nope.  Not on purpose. I am glad I tried it.  One more check on the bucket list.  (PS I will run five more marathons over doing that last thirty minutes again!  That was tough!)  Elliott was born at 8:42 pm weighting 6 lbs 10 oz, one minute shy of two hours after I arrived to the hospital.  Speedy little guy!

In the middle of the night I got the bad news that Elliott was Direct Coombs positive.  This rare interaction occurs when my blood sees his as foreign and attacks it, causing his billirubin levels to rise quickly(you may also know it as jaundice).  By 8am, we had an order to put him in the NICU under lights to help his numbers come down.  I rushed to get Annie to the hospital so she could see him.

Annie was sooo excited to meet him.  She put her face on his and gave him a big hug and kiss saying, "Elliott!  I am so happy to see you!"  (Two going on twenty?)  The next few days were a blurr of every two to three hour feedings in the NICU and brief, heart-wrenching visits from Annie, who didn't get what was going on and would need to be pulled from my arms screaming "mommy!" at the end of visits. 

Elliott was discharged home Sunday afternoon.  It is awesome to have my little family together!  Annie loooves her little brother.  She asks to hold him or help with the diaper constantly.  I play a lot of defense as she kisses him so much sometimes he has a hard time getting a breath in!  I am feeling super blessed!

Just a Mess

I can't believe I am on the verge of my 8th month of pregnancy. And I can't believe Annie is almost two!! I have calculated that if I were to deliver at the same gestation as Annie, I have exactly 6 weekends left to get it together around here. EEK! That, coupled with the spring weather, has put me in nesting mode big time! I am DYING to paint our completely white walls before the inspection where they will repair any drywall damage (from the house shifting and settling through the first year of climate change) but I am trying to hold it together and just let it be. Stop reading now if you are currently pregnant and also have an almost-2-year-old. WHAT WAS I THINKING?! Oh my goodness... yeah I am not sure why I thought it would be a good idea to tackle the terrible two's while I am acting a little like a two-year-old myself. There is just some kind of chemical reaction to that combination that causes spontaneous combustion on a regular basis. Annie throws herself on the floor, in a fantastic display of toddler-ness, screaming in dramatic prose that she only wants to watch "one more barney" and all I want to do is throw myself on the floor right next to her and scream, "can't you see I'm pregnant!?! Come ON! Eat your veggies! Stay in your booster seat at the table! Go pee in the potty not poopy in the bathtub!" And then there are the times when she says, "Mommy snuggle!" and cuddles up under my arm for some love and I tear up (because that is what pregnant women do... cry and throw temper tantrums) and think about how extremely lucky I am. And it is true: I am extremely blessed to have that little spunky and precocious love in my life. I have always been obsessed with newborns and babies and I honestly thought my favorite part would be infancy, but she says the funniest things! It is so wonderful to watch her grow and think for herself. I am so curious what she will be like as a big sister!

These last few months have spiritually been a season of refinement, if I had to label them. I have felt God really putting me to the challenge as close friends have gotten busy or moved away and we have still be unable to get involved with a small group or moms group through our church. It was this reason that has led us to search for a church in our area that has room for us in their small groups and is also in need of people who will serve. One thing I have noticed as my life has transitioned from that of a person who was able to serve in a leading/facilitating capacity to that of a person who is trying to figure out how to do marriage and motherhood in a God-honoring fashion is that when I stop giving to others or teaching others, I get really self-centered and my sin is just out there for everyone to see. When I'm not trying to be there for other people, it's really easy to just get absorbed in all of the things that aren't perfect in my own life. I am not feeling like I am in a position to teach anyone anything about being a Godly mother or wife, but I would love to at least be in a position where I can pray with other women about getting there someday. I am feeling hopeful (for the first time in a while) because I look forward to getting back into other peoples' lives and being used by God for a greater purpose than my own comfort. With small children, I feel like it's easy to get really focused on getting a break from your life rather than making each moment of it useful for learning and growing. Having small children and still being relatively new to marriage is a season in life where things are uncertain and change a lot. I am not a change-embracer(shocking,eh?). However, this does not excuse me from taking those changes gracefully with God's help and being the best I can be in spite of what is going on around me. Shoot, I always say that the most dangerous times in my life have been the times when I thought I was doing great. It seems that when I start to get comfortable, I am also getting self-righteous. I sort of slip into a line of thinking that says, "hey, I'm not too bad at this! Look at me go!" The next thing I know, I have loved myself right into isolation from God and others. So anyway, right now the way things are going, I am fully aware of my need--every single moment--to rely on Someone else for anything good to happen.

Onto a much less deep note, I discovered TJ Maxx today! Annie is in need of a "big-girl bed" and Michael and I are in need of a few more months to plan for these baby expenses! But ready or not, here they come! So, we stumbled upon some GREAT finds today. At Kittles outlet, we found a $400 white twin bed for $160 ish (including tax!) and then at TJ, I found the perfect quilt, sham, sheets...everything for it for around $50 and Annie went NUTS when she saw it! She looooved it! Now my creative juices are going wild and I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to keep myself from painting her room. And maybe 6 framed pictures to hang around it that match the quilt. And perhaps I will also look for a floor rug... Somebody stop me! It's funny... I had these grand plans when we were house-shopping of finding something I could fix up JUST the way I wanted it, hoping it would inspire me to keep it clean because I am a perfectionist and having it just the way I like it inspires me to keep it that way. Almost a year later, the walls aren't painted, I can hardly bend over to tie my shoes, let alone sweep and mop as often as it needs it, and my house is, quite honestly a mess most of the time. But you know what? That's alright. I am learning a valuable lesson (or six!) in the midst of it. Firstly, greed is a thief that wants to steal away your happiness. You get this, then you want that. Never satisfied, you work more, love less, and pine away your most precious commodity (time!) for what? New flooring. A light in the dining room. A picket fence and some beautiful flowers. No, I'm not saying that it's wrong to make your home welcoming and inviting and peaceful. But wow, I am shocked at my own drive that so quickly considers running over what precious little time I have with my (mostly) sweet little girl before she starts to grow up. I hear it over and over again... "I remember when she was in diapers... I don't know what happened! Now she's getting married! I just want that time back." I am trying SO hard to put the brakes on and realize that paint and curtains and wall hangings are very nice things, but I can't take them with me. Secondly, I am learning that I can actually have friends over while I am living in a mess. Yep, my life is messy. And not just in the toys-strewn-around-the-living-room kind of way. Nope, I am a mess in general. Would you know that most of my friends don't care that my living room is a mess? They care that I am genuinely concerned for them; that I care about them; that I love them and their children well. And loving them well does not mean I have to have a floor you can eat off of. I am sure there will be plenty of time for spotless-ness in my future, but right now life's busy and my energy tank gets drained before I finish most of the things I want to do and quite frankly if something has to be cut off the list, the people in my life should be the very last thing I neglect.

Well this worn out mama is ready for bed whether this blog is finished or not. I am hoping to do a quick photo-blog of Annie's birthday before I have Elliott but no promises!

New Year, New Adventures!

I have definitely fallen off the blogger train. I think Annie has changed SO MUCH since I've faithfully blogged last I feel overwhelmed (and too placenta-brained to organize my thoughts well) to the point where I feel like I can't begin to do her little personality justice, let alone have any deep insight or thoughts to provide. But here goes nothin'!

This winter has been weird to say the least... spring-like temperatures and rain totals making our backyard grow more than it did all summer while we carefully watered and nurtured it in record-heat and record-dry weather. However, we have had a couple of snows that stuck around few a day or two and my little snow-bird loved it! Annie got a sled designed just for little tikes her size from Grandma Purse for Christmas and had been dragging it around the house with two or three of her favorite stuffed animals in tow because she didn't know what it was really for. I took her outside for a spin around the block and she giggled and laughed and protested coming in after 45 minutes of pure, frozen-snot-nose goodness and then wanted to go out again as soon as her snowsuit dried.

Annie has also, as two-year-olds tend to do, amazed me with the advances in her ability to be a part of the "big person" world. I love listening to her ramble on... If you aren't paying attention, you might think she is talking on and on about nothing. However, if you ARE paying attention, Annie really has a lot to say. About everything. Annie talks to her chauffeur continually while we are driving. She tells me about trucks and buses and how the wheels on the bus go round and round. Annie loves to break into song randomly during the day. She gets a very serious look on her face and then carefully belts out a tune in the cutest voice you've ever heard. Just try breaking in for a duet though and you will quickly find that she wants to do it "by myself".As far as the pregnancy is going, so far its been smooth sailing. I am starting to get uncomfortable laying down, so sleep is a luxury I'll afford again in a year or two I'm afraid, but other than that, I can't complain! I got a wonderful opportunity to visit my best friend out east (walking distance to Hoboken, NJ) this month. It was so refreshing to spend an entire weekend having adult conversation with another woman. My husband is always amazed that I can go somewhere like that and be happy literally doing nothing. We made ambitious plans to go into the city and see a show, go to fun restaurants and pick up some authentic cheesecake for Michael. However, on the way over, I got really motion-sick (new pilot I think!), threw up all over my winter coat and only pair of preggo jeans I brought, and we ended up changing our plans a little. I ended up not feeling well most of the trip, but we had a blast just walking around Hoboken, popping in and out of shops, coffee/cupcake stores, and just taking her sweet little doggy for a spin around the block. I got to meet a bunch of her friends and saw one of my old friends from high school out at dinner. This was my first time away from Annie, however, so I cried like a baby the entire way out and for the first morning. It oddly made me feel better when I called that morning, against my better judgement (thinking she would panic and starting crying for me when she heard my voice), to find a toddler SO engrossed in her play with Grandma Purse that she didn't even notice I was gone! I watched the superbowl (which was, yes, going on in Indy) while I was miles from NYC. Not only was I relieved not to have to share the same county with a bunch of Patriots fans, but it was also fun to be a part of the excitement around the winning team's celebrations. I have to say, though, that there are no fans like colts fans. I remember the hoopla going on in Indy and even way out in the suburbs and you couldn't even pull into the gas station without seeing something to cheer on our team. I think it is the massive diversity present around NYC, but the signs and sweatshirts were scattered amongst a crowd of people who seemed to have no interest in(and maybe no idea about) the football game. But my favorite part of the whole trip was getting to have heart-to-heart conversations that were raw and real in the way that only two women who trust and love each other can. Thanks for a wonderful weekend Sarah!

*This post was also written mmm... a month ago. Sorry for the late posts!

Holy Moly it's been a while

Sorry to all of you who keep track of our family on this blog, I have a really good excuse I promise! We are fortunate and blessed to be expecting our second child, a boy! I am about 21 weeks along at this point, and feeling buffalo-sized! This pregnancy has been different in just about every way... spiritually, physically, and emotionally! Nausea has been a non-issue this time around, which is a welcome change from my first for certain! Probably partly because I can keep food down, I also have felt less fatigued than I remember with Annie. But, I have weirdly tolerated it less well! There is something to all of that down-time you get with your first...Annie keeps me busy!





It is hard to admit but I really have had a harder time connecting with this pregnancy until recently as well. I am no sure exactly what combination of things lead to that end, but partly it is just harder to remember you are pregnant when you are busy chasing a toddler around. Also, I think there is a part of every labor nurse that just wonders if it will actually happen or not. We see a lot of difficult things at work and we love babies so much, maybe I felt like it would be too much to bear somewhere deep down and so I held on loosely. Definitely a role was played with my spiritual life. It is so easy with a busy toddler to get in task-mode... completing each task, afterall, takes about 14 of the 15 hours a day I'm awake! I am so grateful for the timeliness of the Christmas season in the midst of my spiritual dry season.





"For unto us a child is born..." This is so meaningful to me, carrying a child myself and raising one who is beginning to think and speak for herself! It is so easy to just be carried along by the tasks of the day, seeing them as nothing more than a box to be checked off. In reality, if I truly believe what I say I do, every moment was hand-crafted by a Maker who chose to humiliate himself by becoming a baby who needed fed, cleaned, and diapered and all for an even more amazing cause: to die in my place. By the way, I do not believe Christmas is about gift-giving and our personal generosity or having the "spirit of Christmas" or giving goodies to the neighbors. These things are not the point. Those are all by-products of having the Spirit of Christ in my heart, and being grateful for the greatest gift I would ever receive: the right to be called sons and daughters of a perfect God, heirs to all He offers, without a hope of possessing anything in and of myself to deserve such a place in that family line. So, as I go about my day changing diapers and picking up puzzle pieces and wiping down the sticky surfaces gummied up by fruit snacks, I am mindful (if only by the gift of a small baby) that my attitude while I do these tasks is displayed to a small person who is following me around and reneacting my every move.





This Christmas Michael and I spend another year trying to figure out what kind of Christmas traditions we would like to start. It's difficult to do such a thing when you work every other Christmas, like I do this year. My mom suggested wrapping baby Jesus from our nativity and putting him under the tree for everyone to open. Another friend gives each child three gifts under the tree, because Jesus recieved three gifts from the wisemen. We let Annie do an advent calendar this year, from which she learned to pronounce "chocolate" with impecable crispness. I think at some point I would like to "adopt" another child into our family every year by letting the kids shop for their gifts and get used to giving them away to others. Maybe we could buy the veggie tales movie about Mary and Joseph and show it every Christmas before opening presents. I would love more ideas, so post them here if you have one that you grew up loving!





So I have some catching up to do. We are really appreciative of our new home. The space has allowed us to comfortably host people even at a moment's notice because we have a guest bedroom I can keep clean (although there are never any promises as to the condition of the rest of the house!). Michael and I definitely wanted to know that if we bought a house this size we could use it to have people over. We have been blessed with GREAT neighbors on all sides and have found new friendships there.





Annie had her first Halloween this year where she actually kind of "got it". She dressed up as a lion and loved ringing the doorbells and seeing the pumpkins on the porch--which she had more than a minor obsession with throughout the entire fall season. Annie picked out pumpkins at the patch that were eight times her size and she was completely unable to pick up, so she just hugged and kissed them(yes, I know) right there on the ground. We finally convinced her to go with a pint-sized version and she carried it around the house for weeks, changing it's diaper and taking it on rides in the wagon. After Halloween was over, it was difficult to go for a walk for a week or so! Annie thought she could just walk up every driveway, say "trick or treat" and "thank you" and get herself a sweet treat!





Since then, it has amazed me how much she has grown. Just last month I was making a bed and I could hear her out in the loft, counting from 1 to 10 all by herself! She won't do it on command often, but when I hear her playing, she lists them off as if she has always known. Annie can say just about anything and I couldn't begin to guess the number of words she has mastered. She loves to sing on car rides, but is very picky about which song we sing. If I sing, "Head and shoulders Knees and toes" but she wanted "O Christmas Tree", she yells out, "No! I don't want it!" until I come into the song she had hoped to hear. Annie loves to play with other children and she also has a soft spot for babies. I am interested to see how jealousy and her love of babies collide with the birth of her baby brother!

*This blog was written in December, sorry for the late post! I was having trouble posting pictures with it (obviously!)

My Treasure

I have a confession to make. I'm not sure how it happened, but somewhere along the line, I got greedy. More than a year ago, a dear and generous friend of mine offered me some of her baby things because she was done having children and I was anxious about how to pay for all of the things a person "needs" when they have a baby. I took and used those things for a good year and now they are in storage, where I planned to keep them until(God willing) I had another one. My sweet hearted friend found another person who was in need of one of the items and called recently to see if I still had it. In my heart, I thought, "No! You gave it to me and I am counting on getting to use it for the next baby! How can you give it and take it back?" I felt very justified in my line of thinking, but not wanting to offend her, I just avoided her until he inevitable day that I knew I had to take it back.

Isn't it crazy how we think sometimes? Avoidance is probably way more offensive to her than just being up front, first of all. But beyond that, who was right here? Well I would have to say my dear friend is. My friend's heart was in the right place. She, having the mindset that her stuff can be a blessing to others, was not attached to her plan for the baby items she used for a while. My friend gave without thinking twice to me and then when it was my turn to be able to give those things that I never earned in the first place back to another, I hesitated. Hesitated might be too weak a word actually. I'd say I dug my feet into the ground and threw a mental hissy-fit.

A group of adults from my church meets every other week to discuss what we believe and how it fits into our lives, or mostly how we struggle with it maybe. The sermon we were discussing was on giving and how our hearts attitude should be oriented around seeing all we have been given for free--grace to cover all of the times I rebel against God's plan being the biggest gift of all--and out of the abundance of what we have been given, giving back freely and openly. My self-protective mind immediately went to trying to think up all of the people I had secretly baked cookies for or taken out for lunch or helped with groceries or sent on a date-night or whatever. I had to dig pretty far back in my mental calendar to come up with anything. That was when I felt what I like to refer to as good old-fashioned conviction. I recalled the resentment I held for this friend who wanted to take back my stuff to give to someone I didn't even know when I was still in need of it. Well in a year maybe.

It hit me then that if I was going to call myself a follower of the God in the Bible, He doesn't follow the world's rules. God doesn't say, "If you earn it Katie, you can keep it! And if you plan ahead, nothing bad will ever happen." I think somewhere in my mind, I could convince myself that it was ok to give up the baby item I wanted so badly to have some security on a future want-list that isn't guaranteed because I didn't earn it. It was just given to me, so I should then give it to someone else. I am not sure where I got this mindset, but it is definitely there, hiding out in the dark corners of my heart. I think the Bible goes even further than this. I think it says that nothing I have is truly mine, but has been given to me out of the love of a living God. That living God can decide that I have some character development needs that would better be carried out without something I got to "borrow" at an earlier point. My friend had it right and I had it all wrong.

Motherhood is a strange place to be. Before, I always had someone or something I felt my heart pulled towards to give to and serve. Right now, my main focus is on raising Annie and still trying to be a good wife. Raising Annie doesn't seem like a sacrifice, it seems like what is natural and right and good. Somehow though, I forgot along the way that I need to be spending time with God on a daily basis in order to be the kind of example I feel mothers were designed to be. I feel like it is a strange oxymoron that the time when we are required to give more of ourselves than any other time in our lives is the time when we become the most inward-focused and selfish. I really do feel a pull towards self-protection or watching out for me a lot of the time, even with my husband. I feel like the Bible says it best: "For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." Matthew 6:21 My treasure right now is security, but security based in things that will not go with me when I die. I am thankful to have the opportunity to think through this and so thankful for my dear friend who gave once and gave again. By removing something from me, she has given me a perspective on my own heart that I needed to see.

This week Annie has been sick, running a fever up in the 102 range on a couple of occasions. We are also packing up our apartment and trying to move on a weekend when everyone upon everyone who could help us move the heavy stuff is out of town or working. I will pack a box, and turn around to see my little "helper" unpacking it. Last week I packed up the cough syrup. So naturally, Michael got sick, then Annie, then myself. With a cough. ;o) I get stressed about the stupid stuff, but then I am reminded by Annie's antics that really those aren't things worth getting all upset about. Annie recently has occupied a newly-empty cabinet in the kitchen, poking out every so often to play peek-a-boo. Yesterday she wrapped her little arms around my neck, and as I said "I love You Annie!" to her, she babbled back, "I ooo u!" Now that is a heart-melter. Yep, love is what matters. Stuff is just stuff.

Bunnies, Babysitting, and the Big Apple

So much fun… so little time! I feel like a lot has happened since the last blog, which I typed a long time ago and did not read over for publishing until now. Easter was a lot of fun for us this year, but it was also deeply meaningful after having recovered from the postpartum fog that we were in last year and having the joy of raising a little one with all it means! I got to spend some good time at church reflecting on what it means to me. I am so fortunate to have a nursery that can take Annie during the service so I can get some deep thoughts in! It is amazing how quickly after having a baby your brain turns into total mush. I started a journal of my labor and delivery that I recently found. I had written in it a couple days after coming home from the hospital. I was surprised to find that I didn’t remember having written any of it, let alone experiencing it. Unfortunately, I did not finish. And I cannot finish because I don’t remember a lick of it! Probably a blessing. But next time there will be more pictures!

Speaking of next time, (NO I am NOT pregnant) I decided to try out watching two babies at once. I was helping a friend of mine out for a few hours by watching her little one. Annie was initially fascinated with Addy. She walked up to her immediately and starting trying to pick her up and pat her on the back, saying “baby! Baby!”. Then she noticed that she was sitting on my lap. Or should I say her lap. And suddenly, Addy became a serious threat to her! My independent walker suddenly wanted to be held and cuddled and suck on a bottle. Incessantly. I am acutely aware of why gestation is for a full 9 months and we were not intended to have babies 6 months apart from each other. Woo! Had they not taken naps during that period, it would’ve been tough! I must admit, I felt the itch though. That baby was SO cute!

Annie and I stopped in to see the progress on the house at the end of last week and I nearly needed one of Annie’s diapers! I have a kitchen! WOAH! I am looking forward to baking the neighbors cookies with Annie on a stool at the counter helping mommy measure…

On to the apple portion of this blog: NEW YORK! I had the opportunity to FINALLY travel to see my best friend in her element. She lives in Hoboken, NJ so of course we flew. I spent hours figuring out what to pack and buy for this trip, not wanting to be under-prepared for traveling to the city and in the city. Turns out New York has everything. On every corner. Our trip started off on the wrong foot… we had a 6 hour delay in the Indianapolis Airport just waiting to fly there. This was no skin off Annie’s back however. She ran around the place, squealing with delight until everyone (and I mean EVERYONE) gave her the attention and admiration she thought she deserved. She rode on daddy’s back, made some new friends, and even took a nap in her car seat prior to taking off. Thank goodness Indy’s airport was remodeled so well! Michael and I dare say we enjoyed the one-on-one-on-one time as a family without the distractions of home or activity pulling at us. It is amazing how little time I take to truly put myself 100% into the moment.

The plane ride was not as long as I expected, however Annie did not sleep a wink in spite of it being an hour past her bed time when we boarded. Michael and the diaper bag were half a plane away as I was sandwiched between a 50-year-old businessman and the window in a very warm, very full plane. Annie irritated the life out of the poor soul sitting in front of me, kicking the seat, then the tray, then yelling because no one was paying attention to her, then squirming because she wanted to run freely. The plane ride, mercifully, ended however and our bags (ALL of them!) were waiting for us the moment we got off the plane. We caught a cab and got a very nice driver (an older lady who was very sweet!) who dropped us off right in front of Sarah’s place—an old row-house converted into a four-story apartment building. Our VERY gracious hosts gave us their bedroom and had hot New York style pizza waiting for us on arrival!
Michael and I were itching for some city experience so when Annie woke us up a mere 5 ½ hours after we had gone to bed, we got ready and headed out for some authentic bagels! Annie enjoyed hers. After stopping at a park on the Hudson River, we came back and let Annie take a short nap before we going out to Manhattan for the afternoon. The sites and smells were so uniquely New York! Annie took turns in the baby carrier, the stroller, and walking around on the sidewalks of less-busy streets. We split some local cuisine from a local store or a street cart every couple hours and met my cousin Saramoira downtown for some tea and catch-up in a nearly two-hundred-year-old building. Glee was being filmed at NYU while we were walking through! Annie cashed out in the baby carrier for about 45 minutes on our way home, which was really convenient (and much needed!) Annie seemed to LOVE all of the attention she got from complimentary New Yorkers.


That evening, my best friend graciously offered to stay with Annie while Michael and I went out for dinner. We stopped at Carlos’ Bakery (from the Cake Boss!) and got some delicious treats! We were shocked to see how small the shop was (and the line that went halfway around the next block!). We had some delicious Italian cuisine and called it a night. Saturday we headed to the city again after Annie’s nap. Sarah took us to Time Square, stopping along the way to see where she worked and to get some awesome seafood chowder from the SoupMan (also known as the Soup Nazi from Seinfeld). We took Annie into the toy wonderland that is Toys R Us in time square, where we bought her the first musical instrument of what I am sure will be a long line: a pink princess recorder. She pretty quickly fell fast asleep in the middle of Time Square. How, I do not know because that crazy place is wall-to-wall people on a Saturday! So we stopped in at the M&M store, where we picked out a cute onesy and smelled the chocolate. This is where I began to lose it though…if I saw one more person stop in the middle of an already slow-moving crowd to decide which direction to go next or if they should cross the street on the left or straight ahead or if I got stopped by one more person selling cheap t-shirts or a bike ride through central park, I was certain I was going to go insane. We took off from this store to the last one I wanted to see before getting the heck out of Time Square, FAO Schwarz for Annie to pick out a stuffed animal. Luckily, this store was a little more tame. Annie pointed at a small puppy that she petted and hugged and babbled to and never set it down to trade it for the others, so the choice was easy! I think we were all harried from the madness of Time Square, so the stop at Central park was a breath of fresh air! Annie played on the swings and in the park with other little children. After a little R&R, we finished out at a nearby restaurant because we were all famished from the walking and picked up Michael’s one request: a small Junior’s cheesecake for later. When we got back home, we had walked 8 miles while carrying a 20 pound baby and we were beat! Sarah and Jeff ordered in Cuban food for dinner. WOW! Awesome. We were totally bummed to have to leave after feeling like we had just arrived! It was so amazing getting to see my best friend for four straight days and having her show me around her town and her city. How lucky I am to have such a great friend!

We can’t wait to go back another time for more New York! I was delightfully surprised by the niceness of New Yorkers: I never stood on the subway because people gave up their seats for me since I was carrying a baby. The bagel store owner chatted outside the store with us as we ate her sandwich. People stopped us to tell us how beautiful our baby was and giggle at her antics. People gave us directions on the street and shared their kids toys with Annie. I liked walking everywhere… never having to worry about driving in heavy traffic or looking for a parking space. I loved the collision of cultures and skin colors and ages and languages! It was beautiful to see all of that working together to make a well-oiled machine.

I’m not going to lie though, equally beautiful was the front door of my home-sweet-home. I take for granted all of the space we have and the ability to go outside to let my brain rest while I walk nearby to no-one. All in all, I’d say this is one of the funnest vacations Michael and I have had so far!