Cruising through 8 months

Unfortunately, I won't have pictures right away to upload to this blog (and it really is unfortunate because I have the opinion, albeit biased, that she is the cutest little thing ever!) because my computer and all of the pictures on it bit the dust a couple of weeks ago. Not having any regular access to the Internet is not my idea of a good time. It's funny, losing the Internet gives me the feeling of being third-world or mute. I get a lot of my social needs filled by reading what everyone is up to and telling everyone what new trick Annie learned and hearing their responses! It has given me some much needed time to spend in quiet reflection though and I definitely needed to stop filling my days with more stuff. Spending a little more time doing a little less has proven to be much more in the end.

Anywho. I turned 29 last week and wow, what a difference a baby makes. :o) She is the best gift I have ever received to date. But having a baby does change things for sure. It felt very odd waking up early on my birthday, then starting out with diapers, feedings, laundry and all of the things I do every single day. Just another day. On the same hand, I feel so privileged to get to do those things because it means I have my wonderful daughter and husband in my life! Birthdays just aren't about me anymore I think. And this is a good thing. The less into myself I get the better life gets. Michael took me out for dinner though and my mom watched Annie for a few hours and that was nice. I did get to see my best friend from NY for a couple days and that was also an awesome gift!

Annie is a completely different baby from the last time I posted. I don't know where to start! She is not your average baby I am learning. I dropped her off at a friend of mine's house to watch her who also has what I have always considered a very active little girl. Evidently Annie is even more high maintenance than that! Turns out everyone else's baby doesn't need to be within grabbing range of their mother all the time. Annie is just a very social little girl. She doesn't like to be alone for even a few seconds! Not that I could leave her alone anyway. I am fairly certain she could find something she isn't supposed to be getting into even if I had her in a cardboard box(pictures coming soon to prove my point). She is pulling to a stand on anything taller than 4 inches and she cruises from one piece of furniture to the next. She can zip across the room very quickly now, but it is the most hilarious crawl I have ever seen... she uses her left leg the appropriate way but her right she tries to stand with so she alternates a bent left crawl-leg with a straight right leg, butt up in the air. I think Annie has invented a new way to crawl-skip.

Annie is tasting all kinds of new things these days. She is a very good eater, thankfully! She loves cauliflower and really likes this baby food mix of carrots, apples, and parsnips (what do parsnips even look like?). We are also trying to let her cry it out at night this week when we put her down and if she wakes up in the night. So far it has been working but she does throw a HUGE fit! She screams as if I were cutting her arm off! Then, she pauses to see if I'm going to respond to the latest tantrum before launching into another 5 minutes or so of full-out-fit throwing. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree...

I am learning lately a lot about what it really means to follow Christ. I believe what is asked of me is that I give selflessly to my spouse and my daughter and anyone else who enters my life without expecting anything in return and without regard to whether they earned it or not. It struck me this week how very difficult that is! I am definitely bad at it. I can't go 5 minutes without catching myself thinking about what I want and being frustrated that I can't have it or control it or that it wasn't recognized. I am not saying that mothers should never care for themselves, quit working out, spend no time with friends, and have no brain as they slave away in the name of love. But I do think motherhood seems to be a constant reminder that my heart is in need of something outside of myself. Which brings me to my next thought: I am the greatest of hypocrites. I do what I don't want to do and think what I don't want to think. We had a great sermon at church this Sunday calling out all of us who are great theologians and horrible Christians. I need God's intervention daily if not minute-ly. I can understand and make perfect sense in my head of God's plan for me and how it is best. Then I can act like I totally don't believe it! This was very evident to me in the first 6 months of marriage, but now that I have Annie I feel all the more aware of it! All I can hope for is that Annie turns out more like Christ and less like me! :o) I am so blessed to have a God who cares for me enough to keep me uncomfortable. That sounds like a really weird thing to say, but I find that when I get comfortable, that is when I am the worst version of myself. I fail to see my needy state of being and start thinking I have things under control. The next thing I know, I can only think of myself.

So, as Thanksgiving approaches, I am going to be thankful for being uncomfortable and tired because it helps me to see what really matters in life. I am thankful for people in my life who choose to love me anyway! I am thankful for the people in my life who I need to extend the same grace to that I receive on a daily basis. I am thankful for my sweet baby girl--a constant reminder to me of God's love for me that stretches even farther than what I can muster up for my own child. I am thankful for a husband who desires good things for our family and who works hard for us. I am thankful that I have a job and health insurance and a car that runs! I am thankful to have two sets of great parents who have helped guide us through a year of great changes. Happy Thanksgiving!

Creepy Crawlies

Halloween is coming and Annie is ready! Complete with super adorable puppy costume. Also fitting for the season, Annie is creeping and crawling! I got lucky and was home from work the day she started making progress with her crawling. She does what I like to call the "seal flop" to get forward movement. Annie will start out on her hands and knees, then push her tush up in the air and run in place. After this fails to get her where she wants to go, she then just throws her upper half forward and flops her legs rhythmically until she reaches something she wants (or loses her temper because it took too long). I am coming to realize this will be my scariest Halloween yet! From grabbing my hot coffee mug (even though I had her on the opposite hip and was being very careful!)--which luckily dumped on me and not her-- to crawling over and grabbing the power strip in the 5 seconds it took me to walk 3 feet to let the dog out and turn back around to look at her, she has dropped my heart into my shoes plenty this month! She has also pulled the (cool) iron from the wall, stuck her hand in my soup, and quite nearly pulled dinner onto the floor by craftily tugging on the place mats(luckily Michael plays some good defense). I have decided there are some things (lightweight bookcases with decorative stuff on them) we just need to pack up and put away, but I'm contemplating getting a gate-enclosure play area for her. My mind is spinning with all of the potential poisonous, electrical, heavy, sharp, and hot things that are now within her reach.

I am also learning that the hardest part of being a mommy is coming up on me quickly: actual parenting! Before, I was a milk dispenser, a snuggler, a comforter, a playmate, a protector. But now, I have to parent. Yikes. I can see her little purposeful whines and cries manipulating me into what she wants and I have realized it is time to introduce the most powerful two-letter-word in our language: NO. Annie has found it interesting to see what happens when she grabs some skin and pinches. I scoop up her hand and, with as firm a voice as I can muster while looking at such a cute face, say, "no!". She stops, pauses, and then she laughs. She laughs! I am IN for it. While discipline may be no fun, having "that kid" in the grocery store is probably worse. It is so tough thinking about all of your options when it comes to discipline. Right now it is pretty simple, but later? Spank? Time out? Both? Neither? Eat it or go to bed without dinner

or eat it or no dessert or hide the food they don't in stuff so they'll eat it? Aye. It's a good thing I have a year and a half before she is 2! They may not learn how to speak french overnight, but I can't even believe how quickly she became mobile. At the risk of sounding like a total mom, I can't believe how fast they grow up.

We have been very busy this month. Michael was honored to be chosen as a groomsman in two weddings this month. I could only attend one of them and we went last weekend for the event with what I am pretty sure was fully half of everything that belongs to Annie. How does that happen? How can someone who weighs less than my left leg need the biggest suitcase by a long-shot? Maybe I should just wear a t-shirt that says, "First Time Mom" on it when I go to things like this. Then all will be clear. And actually, I think I may be freakishly over-prepared even for a first-timer. Annie did pretty well with the driving and since I took enough entertainment to start my own daycare in the hotel room, she was also pretty content the rest of the weekend. My wonderful mother-in-law was able to stay in an adjoining room with us so I could attend most of the festivities. She had such a good time she tried to fit Annie in her suitcase (nice try Grandma!). It really was a much needed time for Michael and I to get dressed up, dance, and enjoy the evening together while celebrating with close friends.

Annie's latest favorite things include playing peek-a-boo, itsy bitsy spider, pat-a-cake, and doing the chicken dance. She also enjoys hamming it up for anyone who will give her attention by showing her gummy grin and then hiding in my shoulder. If she does not get attention, she has learned to cough until we look in her direction. She plays on the floor with her toys but keeps a close tab on her caregiver. Occasionally, she will turn and grab my leg. "Just checking!"

She also loves to read/eat books and she still loves a good snuggle from time to time!

That is the latest and greatest... until next time!

Momma's Girl

Annie continues to melt her mommy's heart on a daily basis. She is becoming somewhat of a momma's girl. We have had problems getting her to stop crying with babysitters and she doesn't so much like to meet new people unless I'm holding her. I feel terrible leaving her because I don't want her to be miserable the whole time (or the people who were kind enough to watch her!). I still just can't get enough of her. I wonder if this will ever fade... I just want to rock her in her sleep all night long! If it weren't for the fact that I know her sleep is better in the crib, I think I would just hold her all night.

So I decided enough was enough. I joined weight watchers online and have been trying harder to be consistent in my workouts. I don't want to have Annie grow up around people who don't care about their health and I am not a good example right now! I have always wanted to be thin, but not more than I wanted to eat what I wanted to eat I guess. Having a child who will copy your every move certainly "ups the ante". I am excited to get on track, but nervous about how it will affect my milk supply. I'm only half-way through the nursing so I don't want to mess it up! So, if my milk supply drops dramatically, then I will wait a few months and try again later.

This past weekend, we got to spend some time with my family for my mom's birthday. It was so nice to be around other people who wanted to be around Annie and helped us with her. She is so lucky to get so much love!

It was in looking at the pictures we took
however that reality set in: I need to lose some serious weight! I was glad to get my hair cut recently and am happy to report that one good move in trying to look like a woman again led to more. It is weird to consider a shower, makeup, and hair done before noon an accomplishment, but if you've had a baby, you know it is! I digress... It is such a blessing to have a family on both sides who care so deeply for Annie and for Michael and I both. I think it is probably pretty unusual for both sides of the family to accept spouses they way ours have.

So I was watching Oprah (which I am not altogether impressed with--sorry if you like it!) and she had a celebrity on her show who had recently broken up with her celebrity boyfriend (or husband or something, but I believe he was the father of her child or at least very involved in the child's life). Oprah asked her when she knew it was over with him and her response drew cheers and high-fives, which sickened me. She said, "It just wasn't fun anymore... I have always thought I needed a lover to be in love but now I know that I can be in love with myself!" Wow. Did you just SAY that on tv? What kind of world are we living in where saying that, "it really is all about me" and "I'm living for the fun of it" is so commonplace that it not only doesn't raise an eyebrow, it gets high-fives? I had no idea how difficult (wonderful! but difficult none-the-less) marriage was until I got married. But I did know this going into it: if i walked out on every friend I had ever had conflict with because it stopped being fun, I'd either live in a very shallow world with shallow relationships or I'd have no friends. I knew that I had to reeeeeally work for it (even though I had no idea what that would look like until I got into it). Let's call a spade a spade. If life were always fun, all relationships would be easy. But I think that God allows difficulty in relationships and that they are that way on purpose.
I think the difficulty develops a person in humility, perseverance, and mercy towards others. After all, if you never realized that you were not perfect, you would probably not have sympathy for others when their imperfections surfaced. I am so thankful for a husband who didn't say, "Katie, you're not fun while you're pregnant. Or while you're not sleeping through the night. I'm done." Can you imagine being with someone who loves you that conditionally? I am sure that many of you can because you live in that reality.

I find so much assurance and peace in my times with God in light of the fact that I can't control who is going to work it out with me in my life and who is going to throw me out with the bath-water. We all make mistakes, and it may be that good friends of mine will decide my mistakes aren't worth being around. But I have a God who never leaves or forsakes me. Which is pretty amazing considering He is the only Person who knows every single bad thought, selfish thing I've done, and poor decision I've made. Ok. I'll get off of my soap box (until next time!).

Zoo trips, mistakes, and hair cuts

Tickets to the zoo for Michael and I: $40. Parking at the zoo: $10. Rummaging through grandma's purse: free. Sucking on the stroller: free. Ice cube in a sock for sore gums: free. Difference between the price for the zoo and going to a friend's farm for Annie to see the only three exhibits she cared about: nauseating. So, it turns out Annie doesn't pay any attention to "zoo animals". We stood right in front of a huge elephant (and I mean RIGHT in front) and she didn't pay any more attention to it than she would a moving van parked on the street. However, when we went by the cockroach exhibit (which.... WHY?!) she was fascinated! The next animal that peaked her interest? A cheetah? A monkey? The tiger? Nope. A goat. So the zoo was basically for Michael and I anyway. We were trying to salvage a botched vacation attempt that we missed because of a 24 hour virus. And the good thing is that we got to spend some quality time with both our lovie baby and two of her grandparents! Grandparents are always a good thing.

Monday I was looking at poor Annie and noticed that her mop of hair is constantly in her eyes. And that there was a 2 inch rat tail in the back. Even though I live in Indiana, the mullet was too much. I can pin back the hair in the front to a point, but she pulls the bows out and then she has trouble falling asleep because her hair keeps tickling her face. So I recruited Michael to help and did a little trim. It honestly doesn't look much different, but I cried over those little locks of hair. It seemed so permanent! I quickly grabbed some tape and got the lost ends to put in her memory book. I can't even get my brain around all of the emotional stuff that happens in motherhood. CRYING? Over HAIR? Reeeeally? I mean, this little girl is going to cut her own hair just like I did someday when my back is turned and she gets a hold of some scissors. I shudder to think about ACTUAL milestones like graduation and college and a wedding. I am going to be such a mess! Ok, you're right. I guess "going to be" maybe isn't right. I already am!

So I was thinking this week a lot about some things that have been hard in my life lately, many brought on by myself. Someday, Annie is going to be a very public window into my soul. What I mean by that is, she is going to copy everything I do! The good, the bad, and the downright ugly. What scares me more is that some of the traits I have that are not good ones (and let's call a spade a spade, we all have them) will bring her pain someday. I am not proud of this fact, but I am a people-pleaser to a fault and when I have conflict with people in my life, it just consumes me. This week, I felt that I had earned the right to run my mouth (or "vent" as some people like to label it more nicely). But who gave us the right to vent anyway? It seems to me that venting is a nice label for gossip and complaining. I don't see anywhere in the Bible where Jesus "vented". I don't know of any moral institution that finds complaining OR gossiping to be trait to aspire to. I wanted to take Annie and my husband and move to Alaska to hide from my shame and my mistake, but turns out you can't do that! So, I turned and faced the music. At the end of the day, I sat and thought about how this situation would look to Annie in three years when she sort of understands. Will she be sitting on the fake plastic phone using an angry tone talking about how her dolly didn't do something right and it wasn't her fault? God knew what He was doing. There is no motivation to change your sinful habits quite like knowing that your cherished and beloved child may someday mimic them. I am currently going through a book called "Relationships: A mess worth making". A quote in the book really struck me this week. "We often think that if God really cared for us, he would make our relationships easier. In reality, a difficult relationship is a mark of his love and care. We would prefer that God would just change the relationship, but he won't be content until the relationship changes us too." It also points out that "We live with this tension between self-protective isolation and the dream for meaningful relationships." How true. I guess a parent doesn't just need to teach their children how to be polite on the outside, have good table manners, and get good grades in school. I need to model for Annie how to be imperfect and live with other people who are too. Pray for me. I have a long way to go!

St. Louis or bust!

Bust it is. Our perfectly planned and scheduled vacation-- complete with lactation areas at the zoo and maps to each restaurant we wanted to try-- fell through. Royally. I started throwing up about 8 hours before we were planning to hit the road; fever and chills and the whole nine yards. No one hates being taken care of more than a nurse... except for a mother! I hadn't imagined before what it might be like to hold a bucket in one arm and breastfeed my baby with the other. (And actually, I am hoping that memory fades as quickly as childbirth seems to!) I was worried every time I fed her that I was breathing in her face and had to catch myself from giving her sweet little face slobbery kisses. It is a terrible feeling to feel like you can't give your baby what she needs. Thank goodness for my husband who was willing to bring her to me when she was hungry and let me sleep it off the rest of the time!

We are nearing a new month, and Annie has a new bag of tricks. Annie sits up on all fours and rocks back and forth, but hasn't figured out crawling just yet. In fact, she gets quite frustrated when trying to reach her toys because she pushes with her arms instead of her legs, forcing herself in the opposite direction that she is trying to go. She is an expert at rolling from her back to her belly. Unfortunately, she hates to be on her belly and she does not know how to roll to her back. We will often hear a spiteful cry about 3 minutes after I have laid her down for a nap. I will go in and sure as daylight, she is on her stomach and mad about it. I wonder who she thinks comes in and flips her over because she certainly doesn't think she did it!

Annie has always been a very vocal child and now she is starting to make some noises that sound like words. In a disturbing development, whenever she is getting laid down or rocked for a nap, getting her diaper changed, or not allowed to tip over the shiny glass of water, she lets out an exasperated "mamamamama!" Oh dear. So now I am associated with all things uncomfortable! We'll need to work on that I think. She loves other babies! I laid her on the blanket next to a baby at church whose mom was also in the nursing room and they cooed and reached for each other and laughed and played. It was pretty adorable if I don't say so myself.

We are hoping to do a local trip to the zoo today to replace our would-be trip to the zoo in St. Louis. We'll see how it goes!

Us and Them

So I had a revelation today as I packed Annie up to go out for a little shopping at an upscale outdoor mall nearby. I am one of "them". You know, those women who used to be all done up all the time and now walk around at the grocery store looking like they came straight from working out. Yesterday. Oh yes, I clearly remember being one of "us" not too long ago, passing such a woman in the store thinking, wow she really let herself go! Did she even look in a mirror before she stepped out? I will NOT be like that when I have kids!

Welcome reality check. Welcome humility. Welcome to my life as one of "them"! This morning I got Annie ready-- spent several minutes foraging through the many outfits she has (compliments of Grandma and Grandma) to find just the right one to compliment her skin tone. Then, I combed her hair into a matching cute bow barrette and positioned her on the sofa with a stuffed animal for some cute little shots for memory's sake. Then it was my turn. I impressed myself with remembering I can't go out in public in pj's, so I did the sniff test with a tshirt on the floor and threw on yesterday's workout capri's (which I hadn't washed yet... woops) and threw my not-combed, not-washed, needs-colored-and-cut-badly hair into a low pony tail and headed out the door.

I was walking through Hobby Lobby (ever so excited to spend my $25 gift card from last Christmas... yes LAST Christmas on a new wreath for the door) and these women are passing by giving warm smiles to Annie that quickly turned into shock and awe as they lifted their eyes to see her disheveled mommy toting her around. It was almost hilarious... Carmel has standards you see. They don't allow new building of businesses that aren't brick. They don't allow certain colored Christmas lights. And they specialize in botox treatments and facelifts. Appearances are everything!

Now, I will say it is important to me to keep "trying" for Michael, who would never say anything even if I didn't, let's call a spade a spade. He's a man and he probably likes for me to look like I feel cute. But I feel a lot more pressure to make myself up at 4:30 in the afternoon for just Michael in our little apartment than I do when I go out amongst "us" and "them". I am shocked at the change in perspective after getting married and having a baby. I feel pressure to be a good mom, to entertain and educate my little one, to exercise so I can live longer to see her grow up, to eat well so I can be an example to her, and to keep dangerous stuff off the floor and vacuum dirt away from her crawling space (formerly known as cleaning). I do not feel pressure to go out and shop for the perfect dress or spend $150 getting a killer hair cut or spend 4 hours finding the perfect shoes.

I will note that it is very nice to be in a secure relationship, loved by a man who loves our little darling so much that he is perfectly content with life right now. Michael definitely makes the transition to motherhood a much easier one. While I do hope that I go back to having time to make myself look presentable, I hope I can continue to value my family and my God far more than any material stuff I might be tempted to put ahead of them.

On a lighter note, I was babbling along with Annie, saying "ma-ma-ma-ma-ma" and I'll be darned if she didn't "repeat" after me, "Da-da-da-da"! What?! I mean, she is supposed to say MOMMY FIRST! Sigh. Annie is quite grabby these days, taking things right off the shelf at the grocery store if I'm not careful! She also thinks a fun game is to grab peoples' noses. This has made me much more vigilant in keeping her nails trimmed.

I am happy to report that Annie's digestive problems have been all but solved! We don't use the reflux medication anymore and she isn't throwing up. We also have had normal diapers lately! Thanks to some vegan websites, I have found delicious egg- and milk-free recipes for cupcakes (that involve only two ingredients and hide some super nutritious veggies under a layer of chocolately frosting!) and for pancakes... two things I was missing on my mostly-mediterranean diet. I have not found a good substitute for cheese, but soy yogurt is great in fruit smoothies and since it is grilling season, we have just been eating a lot of chicken and veggies with potatoes or rice.

Well that's all for the updates for now! Until next time...

First bites and First Colts game!

Tonight as I rocked little Annie to sleep, my eyes welled up with tears even after five months of doing the same thing every night. I just can't get over it! I wonder if a mother ever can. I am just overwhelmed with the love I have for her. Who could possibly know that it would be this deep!

On to the lighter and more mundane: Annie tried out rice cereal this week. The pediatrician recommends introducing it between 4 and 6 months, others say after 6 months. I didn't know what to do, so I went in the middle and tried it at 5 months! She has been watching longingly as Michael and I eat our meals, shoving her fingers in her mouth as she tries to mimic us. So I felt like maybe it was time. Michael grabbed the video camera and I fed her with my left hand while shooting pictures with my right. (I am sure if we have another, that child will feel totally ripped off because I won't be taking 8 pictures of him/her sucking toes or blowing raspberries) She was very curious, but I would not say she loved it. As you can see by her face, most of it ended up on her chin. I am not sure when I'll try rice-cereal-attempt number two, but I'm really in no hurry. She's perfectly happy with the milk factory for now.

Our little football fan had another "first" recently too: her first colts game! (On TV of course)She dressed for the occasion with her favorite blue bow and her Colts Onesie. Annie was very disappointed that Bob Sanders wasn't playing, but she says that she thinks the defense can handle it. And she knows he'll be feeling better in no time. :o)

I snuck a photo of Cubbie with Annie in here. These are becoming harder and harder to capture, as Cubbie has been hiding in our bedroom behind the bed on a regular basis during Annie's active awake times. She's a smart dog-- I am pretty sure I am missing a quarter of my rapidly-disappearing hair compliments of Annie's iron grip.

This teething thing is for the birds. I am hoping that horrid tooth will pop through her gums soon just so that she starts having some relief! The poor thing is waking up several times at night chewing on her fingers (and anything else she can get in her mouth). She's also been feeding poorly because of it. Poor baby!

I can't believe she is 5 months old. This goes by WAY too fast!