Tickets to the zoo for Michael and I: $40. Parking at the zoo: $10. Rummaging through grandma's purse: free. Sucking on the stroller: free. Ice cube in a sock for sore gums: free. Difference between the price for the zoo and going to a friend's farm for Annie to see the only three exhibits she cared about: nauseating. So, it turns out Annie doesn't pay any attention to "zoo animals". We stood right in front of a huge elephant (and I mean RIGHT in front) and she didn't pay any more attention to it than she would a moving van parked on the street. However, when we went by the cockroach exhibit (which.... WHY?!) she was fascinated! The next animal that peaked her interest? A cheetah? A monkey? The tiger? Nope. A goat. So the zoo was basically for Michael and I anyway. We were trying to salvage a botched vacation attempt that we missed because of a 24 hour virus. And the good thing is that we got to spend some quality time with both our lovie baby and two of her grandparents! Grandparents are always a good thing.
Monday I was looking at poor Annie and noticed that her mop of hair is constantly in her eyes. And that there was a 2 inch rat tail in the back. Even though I live in Indiana, the mullet was too much. I can pin back the hair in the front to a point, but she pulls the bows out and then she has trouble falling asleep because her hair keeps tickling her face. So I recruited Michael to help and did a little trim. It honestly doesn't look much different, but I cried over those little locks of hair. It seemed so permanent! I quickly grabbed some tape and got the lost ends to put in her memory book. I can't even get my brain around all of the emotional stuff that happens in motherhood. CRYING? Over HAIR? Reeeeally? I mean, this little girl is going to cut her own hair just like I did someday when my back is turned and she gets a hold of some scissors. I shudder to think about ACTUAL milestones like graduation and college and a wedding. I am going to be such a mess! Ok, you're right. I guess "going to be" maybe isn't right. I already am!
So I was thinking this week a lot about some things that have been hard in my life lately, many brought on by myself. Someday, Annie is going to be a very public window into my soul. What I mean by that is, she is going to copy everything I do! The good, the bad, and the downright ugly. What scares me more is that some of the traits I have that are not good ones (and let's call a spade a spade, we all have them) will bring her pain someday. I am not proud of this fact, but I am a people-pleaser to a fault and when I have conflict with people in my life, it just consumes me. This week, I felt that I had earned the right to run my mouth (or "vent" as some people like to label it more nicely). But who gave us the right to vent anyway? It seems to me that venting is a nice label for gossip and complaining. I don't see anywhere in the Bible where Jesus "vented". I don't know of any moral institution that finds complaining OR gossiping to be trait to aspire to. I wanted to take Annie and my husband and move to Alaska to hide from my shame and my mistake, but turns out you can't do that! So, I turned and faced the music. At the end of the day, I sat and thought about how this situation would look to Annie in three years when she sort of understands. Will she be sitting on the fake plastic phone using an angry tone talking about how her dolly didn't do something right and it wasn't her fault? God knew what He was doing. There is no motivation to change your sinful habits quite like knowing that your cherished and beloved child may someday mimic them. I am currently going through a book called "Relationships: A mess worth making". A quote in the book really struck me this week. "We often think that if God really cared for us, he would make our relationships easier. In reality, a difficult relationship is a mark of his love and care. We would prefer that God would just change the relationship, but he won't be content until the relationship changes us too." It also points out that "We live with this tension between self-protective isolation and the dream for meaningful relationships." How true. I guess a parent doesn't just need to teach their children how to be polite on the outside, have good table manners, and get good grades in school. I need to model for Annie how to be imperfect and live with other people who are too. Pray for me. I have a long way to go!
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