Zoo trips, mistakes, and hair cuts

Tickets to the zoo for Michael and I: $40. Parking at the zoo: $10. Rummaging through grandma's purse: free. Sucking on the stroller: free. Ice cube in a sock for sore gums: free. Difference between the price for the zoo and going to a friend's farm for Annie to see the only three exhibits she cared about: nauseating. So, it turns out Annie doesn't pay any attention to "zoo animals". We stood right in front of a huge elephant (and I mean RIGHT in front) and she didn't pay any more attention to it than she would a moving van parked on the street. However, when we went by the cockroach exhibit (which.... WHY?!) she was fascinated! The next animal that peaked her interest? A cheetah? A monkey? The tiger? Nope. A goat. So the zoo was basically for Michael and I anyway. We were trying to salvage a botched vacation attempt that we missed because of a 24 hour virus. And the good thing is that we got to spend some quality time with both our lovie baby and two of her grandparents! Grandparents are always a good thing.

Monday I was looking at poor Annie and noticed that her mop of hair is constantly in her eyes. And that there was a 2 inch rat tail in the back. Even though I live in Indiana, the mullet was too much. I can pin back the hair in the front to a point, but she pulls the bows out and then she has trouble falling asleep because her hair keeps tickling her face. So I recruited Michael to help and did a little trim. It honestly doesn't look much different, but I cried over those little locks of hair. It seemed so permanent! I quickly grabbed some tape and got the lost ends to put in her memory book. I can't even get my brain around all of the emotional stuff that happens in motherhood. CRYING? Over HAIR? Reeeeally? I mean, this little girl is going to cut her own hair just like I did someday when my back is turned and she gets a hold of some scissors. I shudder to think about ACTUAL milestones like graduation and college and a wedding. I am going to be such a mess! Ok, you're right. I guess "going to be" maybe isn't right. I already am!

So I was thinking this week a lot about some things that have been hard in my life lately, many brought on by myself. Someday, Annie is going to be a very public window into my soul. What I mean by that is, she is going to copy everything I do! The good, the bad, and the downright ugly. What scares me more is that some of the traits I have that are not good ones (and let's call a spade a spade, we all have them) will bring her pain someday. I am not proud of this fact, but I am a people-pleaser to a fault and when I have conflict with people in my life, it just consumes me. This week, I felt that I had earned the right to run my mouth (or "vent" as some people like to label it more nicely). But who gave us the right to vent anyway? It seems to me that venting is a nice label for gossip and complaining. I don't see anywhere in the Bible where Jesus "vented". I don't know of any moral institution that finds complaining OR gossiping to be trait to aspire to. I wanted to take Annie and my husband and move to Alaska to hide from my shame and my mistake, but turns out you can't do that! So, I turned and faced the music. At the end of the day, I sat and thought about how this situation would look to Annie in three years when she sort of understands. Will she be sitting on the fake plastic phone using an angry tone talking about how her dolly didn't do something right and it wasn't her fault? God knew what He was doing. There is no motivation to change your sinful habits quite like knowing that your cherished and beloved child may someday mimic them. I am currently going through a book called "Relationships: A mess worth making". A quote in the book really struck me this week. "We often think that if God really cared for us, he would make our relationships easier. In reality, a difficult relationship is a mark of his love and care. We would prefer that God would just change the relationship, but he won't be content until the relationship changes us too." It also points out that "We live with this tension between self-protective isolation and the dream for meaningful relationships." How true. I guess a parent doesn't just need to teach their children how to be polite on the outside, have good table manners, and get good grades in school. I need to model for Annie how to be imperfect and live with other people who are too. Pray for me. I have a long way to go!

St. Louis or bust!

Bust it is. Our perfectly planned and scheduled vacation-- complete with lactation areas at the zoo and maps to each restaurant we wanted to try-- fell through. Royally. I started throwing up about 8 hours before we were planning to hit the road; fever and chills and the whole nine yards. No one hates being taken care of more than a nurse... except for a mother! I hadn't imagined before what it might be like to hold a bucket in one arm and breastfeed my baby with the other. (And actually, I am hoping that memory fades as quickly as childbirth seems to!) I was worried every time I fed her that I was breathing in her face and had to catch myself from giving her sweet little face slobbery kisses. It is a terrible feeling to feel like you can't give your baby what she needs. Thank goodness for my husband who was willing to bring her to me when she was hungry and let me sleep it off the rest of the time!

We are nearing a new month, and Annie has a new bag of tricks. Annie sits up on all fours and rocks back and forth, but hasn't figured out crawling just yet. In fact, she gets quite frustrated when trying to reach her toys because she pushes with her arms instead of her legs, forcing herself in the opposite direction that she is trying to go. She is an expert at rolling from her back to her belly. Unfortunately, she hates to be on her belly and she does not know how to roll to her back. We will often hear a spiteful cry about 3 minutes after I have laid her down for a nap. I will go in and sure as daylight, she is on her stomach and mad about it. I wonder who she thinks comes in and flips her over because she certainly doesn't think she did it!

Annie has always been a very vocal child and now she is starting to make some noises that sound like words. In a disturbing development, whenever she is getting laid down or rocked for a nap, getting her diaper changed, or not allowed to tip over the shiny glass of water, she lets out an exasperated "mamamamama!" Oh dear. So now I am associated with all things uncomfortable! We'll need to work on that I think. She loves other babies! I laid her on the blanket next to a baby at church whose mom was also in the nursing room and they cooed and reached for each other and laughed and played. It was pretty adorable if I don't say so myself.

We are hoping to do a local trip to the zoo today to replace our would-be trip to the zoo in St. Louis. We'll see how it goes!

Us and Them

So I had a revelation today as I packed Annie up to go out for a little shopping at an upscale outdoor mall nearby. I am one of "them". You know, those women who used to be all done up all the time and now walk around at the grocery store looking like they came straight from working out. Yesterday. Oh yes, I clearly remember being one of "us" not too long ago, passing such a woman in the store thinking, wow she really let herself go! Did she even look in a mirror before she stepped out? I will NOT be like that when I have kids!

Welcome reality check. Welcome humility. Welcome to my life as one of "them"! This morning I got Annie ready-- spent several minutes foraging through the many outfits she has (compliments of Grandma and Grandma) to find just the right one to compliment her skin tone. Then, I combed her hair into a matching cute bow barrette and positioned her on the sofa with a stuffed animal for some cute little shots for memory's sake. Then it was my turn. I impressed myself with remembering I can't go out in public in pj's, so I did the sniff test with a tshirt on the floor and threw on yesterday's workout capri's (which I hadn't washed yet... woops) and threw my not-combed, not-washed, needs-colored-and-cut-badly hair into a low pony tail and headed out the door.

I was walking through Hobby Lobby (ever so excited to spend my $25 gift card from last Christmas... yes LAST Christmas on a new wreath for the door) and these women are passing by giving warm smiles to Annie that quickly turned into shock and awe as they lifted their eyes to see her disheveled mommy toting her around. It was almost hilarious... Carmel has standards you see. They don't allow new building of businesses that aren't brick. They don't allow certain colored Christmas lights. And they specialize in botox treatments and facelifts. Appearances are everything!

Now, I will say it is important to me to keep "trying" for Michael, who would never say anything even if I didn't, let's call a spade a spade. He's a man and he probably likes for me to look like I feel cute. But I feel a lot more pressure to make myself up at 4:30 in the afternoon for just Michael in our little apartment than I do when I go out amongst "us" and "them". I am shocked at the change in perspective after getting married and having a baby. I feel pressure to be a good mom, to entertain and educate my little one, to exercise so I can live longer to see her grow up, to eat well so I can be an example to her, and to keep dangerous stuff off the floor and vacuum dirt away from her crawling space (formerly known as cleaning). I do not feel pressure to go out and shop for the perfect dress or spend $150 getting a killer hair cut or spend 4 hours finding the perfect shoes.

I will note that it is very nice to be in a secure relationship, loved by a man who loves our little darling so much that he is perfectly content with life right now. Michael definitely makes the transition to motherhood a much easier one. While I do hope that I go back to having time to make myself look presentable, I hope I can continue to value my family and my God far more than any material stuff I might be tempted to put ahead of them.

On a lighter note, I was babbling along with Annie, saying "ma-ma-ma-ma-ma" and I'll be darned if she didn't "repeat" after me, "Da-da-da-da"! What?! I mean, she is supposed to say MOMMY FIRST! Sigh. Annie is quite grabby these days, taking things right off the shelf at the grocery store if I'm not careful! She also thinks a fun game is to grab peoples' noses. This has made me much more vigilant in keeping her nails trimmed.

I am happy to report that Annie's digestive problems have been all but solved! We don't use the reflux medication anymore and she isn't throwing up. We also have had normal diapers lately! Thanks to some vegan websites, I have found delicious egg- and milk-free recipes for cupcakes (that involve only two ingredients and hide some super nutritious veggies under a layer of chocolately frosting!) and for pancakes... two things I was missing on my mostly-mediterranean diet. I have not found a good substitute for cheese, but soy yogurt is great in fruit smoothies and since it is grilling season, we have just been eating a lot of chicken and veggies with potatoes or rice.

Well that's all for the updates for now! Until next time...

First bites and First Colts game!

Tonight as I rocked little Annie to sleep, my eyes welled up with tears even after five months of doing the same thing every night. I just can't get over it! I wonder if a mother ever can. I am just overwhelmed with the love I have for her. Who could possibly know that it would be this deep!

On to the lighter and more mundane: Annie tried out rice cereal this week. The pediatrician recommends introducing it between 4 and 6 months, others say after 6 months. I didn't know what to do, so I went in the middle and tried it at 5 months! She has been watching longingly as Michael and I eat our meals, shoving her fingers in her mouth as she tries to mimic us. So I felt like maybe it was time. Michael grabbed the video camera and I fed her with my left hand while shooting pictures with my right. (I am sure if we have another, that child will feel totally ripped off because I won't be taking 8 pictures of him/her sucking toes or blowing raspberries) She was very curious, but I would not say she loved it. As you can see by her face, most of it ended up on her chin. I am not sure when I'll try rice-cereal-attempt number two, but I'm really in no hurry. She's perfectly happy with the milk factory for now.

Our little football fan had another "first" recently too: her first colts game! (On TV of course)She dressed for the occasion with her favorite blue bow and her Colts Onesie. Annie was very disappointed that Bob Sanders wasn't playing, but she says that she thinks the defense can handle it. And she knows he'll be feeling better in no time. :o)

I snuck a photo of Cubbie with Annie in here. These are becoming harder and harder to capture, as Cubbie has been hiding in our bedroom behind the bed on a regular basis during Annie's active awake times. She's a smart dog-- I am pretty sure I am missing a quarter of my rapidly-disappearing hair compliments of Annie's iron grip.

This teething thing is for the birds. I am hoping that horrid tooth will pop through her gums soon just so that she starts having some relief! The poor thing is waking up several times at night chewing on her fingers (and anything else she can get in her mouth). She's also been feeding poorly because of it. Poor baby!

I can't believe she is 5 months old. This goes by WAY too fast!

Teething already?

Well I spoke too soon about the sleeping going well. I think Annie must be teething. She has woken up at least 4 times both last night and the night before, crying and gnawing on her little fingers. I don't feel anything coming up under her gums but she seems to really like it when I rub the lower gums with my finger. I am not ready for teeth!! The really frustrating thing is that I cannot find a single book that will tell me how to stop it. (Just kidding)

We have also had some feeding issues lately. I think this is my own fault... when we were trying desperately to get her on some kind of sleep schedule, if she fell asleep while I was feeding her I just laid her down in her crib. Then, she started looking for something to suck on when she was going to bed, so, thinking she might be hungry, I fed her right before bed(secretly hoping this would also help her sleep longer). That has morphed into a terrible beast. Now, she refuses to eat until naptimes and is waking up often at night to eat. She is a sleep fighter and associates my feeding her with my putting her down for a nap! I am not sure how I'm going to get out of this one... I am thinking of pumping and feeding her bottles right after she wakes up until she gets rid of that association but I don't know if it will work!

We finally got a really good camera so look for a million pictures to come! I just got it working last night and I have already taken like 40 pictures. RIDICULOUS. But SO fun!! I was getting frustrated with my other camera(s) because they wouldn't take the picture at the speed I wanted. I would always see an adorable smile and want to capture it, but instead I'd get some pre-sneeze-looking face with eyes half shut. It has this really neat feature on it that I can't wait to try out: it will take 6 or 7 pictures in a row very quickly on the sports button so that you can capture a whole motion! I can't wait to get Cubbie catching her frisbee... Especially if I could get Annie's face in the foreground because she thinks Cubbie is hysterical when she plays frisbee.

Man I am so blessed, what a wondeful life! Sleep or no sleep, it is a good day when I have my sweet girl with me. I feel so fortunate to get to work part-time so I can be with her more. I think my heart couldn't handle it if I had it any other way! I know a lot of people who are ready to head back to work when the time comes and they don't feel any less a part of their kids lives. I just don't fit that bill! I used to feel like I was made to be an OB nurse. Now, I feel like I was made to be a mother. This is just the best job in the whole world!

Happy Girl!

We are rapidly approaching 20 weeks (Tuesday the 10th) and Annie is doing all kinds of new tricks. Last week, Annie started sitting up solo. She just can't stand to not see what is going on so she learned how to make herself a little bit taller. :o) At first, I was like, woah this is awesome! Then, my troubled mind drifted to what comes after sitting up: TROUBLE! I am fairly certain I will have to limit her to the hallway the day she becomes mobile. Annie is VERY active, kicking and grabbing everything in her reach. As I imagine broken lamps, falling bookcases, and cabinets full of cleaning agents, I realize I have a lot of work to do. On the bright side, Annie is in LOVE with Cubbie. Cubbie, on the other hand, is slowly learning that Annie is something she needs to run away from. So I figure we have a win-win here. The two can chase each other around and wear each other out and BOTH take naps!

We celebrated Michael's birthday this week and Annie was all too eager to help me "wrap" the presents. I am shocked at how quickly her hand-eye coordination has gone from lucky swipes to purposeful and calculated grabbing! I had her in a front-carrier while I was putting Michael's gifts in bags and boxes (which was my first mistake) and we'll just say I had a lot of re-wrapping to do. Turns out Annie loooves wrapping paper. And bows. And ripping things. Uh oh. (Stop laughing mom! I know I deserve it!) Annie also likes to try and pick the flowers off of the fabric on her boppy pillow, which is a very frustrating (and hilarious) task for her. She cannot figure out why those darned flowers won't come off! On a sad note, Annie has also learned how to grab hair. My hair, your hair, and her own hair! She has a couple of thin spots on the side of her head where got a fistful, gave a yank, and then cried because someone super mean just pulled on her hair!

She continues to be delighted with the mystery baby in the mirror. I'm not sure if she has figured out yet how there are two mommies: one speaking behind me and one looking at me from the front.

The sleeping situation is going AWESOME! She finally goes to bed around 7:30, wakes up around 7am, and takes three regular naps. We went through some very difficult periods of time where we had to lay her down, let her cry it out, and fall asleep on her own. I felt SO mean and it just didn't feel right. I ended up doing a combination of getting her most of the way asleep by rocking her and then laying her down that went much more smoothly and still gave us the same result. YAY for sleep!

I continue to just eat up every second I get with her. She is a joy and a blessing and makes our lives SO full and rich! It is amazing to me how little I care about money or things. As long as we have Annie, Michael and I are pretty well entertained and busy! I can't imagine life any other way, this is wonderful!! More to come...

18 Weeks

18 weeks

Annie is doing all sorts of fun new things now. Who knew than so much fun would come with an only $11,000 bill? (Yes, that was the actual amount pre-insurance for the hospital stay. And that doesn't even include the doctor's visits or pediatrician or NICU stay!) What is crazier than that bill is that in 25 years when Annie has babies (or whenever) it will seem like pocket change probably. Or maybe we will have a healthcare system that works by then. (Don't get me started...) Annie is doing better and better with tummy time because she loves Cubbie so much! I just park her right in front of the dog and throw the ball while Annie cackles and squeals through her hated tummy time. MUCH better. Annie loves to sit in front of the mirror and admire/laugh at the beautiful, talented, and hilarious baby staring back at her. Annie is definitely crossing over into the oral-fixation stage. Anything she sees goes straight into her mouth. (Even when she sees Cubbie, she chases her with her mouth first and when she can't reach her, THEN she grabs a handful of fur.) It is a daily frustration for her that she can't reach the giraffe on her exersaucer with her mouth. She is in the 84th % for her height and 75% for her weight as of her four month appointment. Now that I have cut out milk and eggs, Annie is happy and tummy-ache free now which is SUCH a blessing!

I decided Annie might do better with a little more routine in her life, which is easier said than done when you work two 12's a week. Even though I only work 2/3 of the hours I used to(at my other job anyway), one day she was waking up really early to go to the sitter's and the next day she was sleeping in until 9:30. As any adult knows who works a weird schedule like nurses do, sleep schedules get thrown off quite a bit when you swing the time you are waking up by 4 hours from one day to the next. So the goal was to shoot for a time that was in between when I have to get up on work days (around 5am) and when I naturally wake up on non-work days (around 8:30). It turns out there is a book written on every opinion on how to put a baby to sleep, ranging from letting her do whatever she wants whenever she wants to putting her down and letting her scream until she falls asleep from exhaustion so many days in a row that she gets used to sleeping during those times. And then there is everything in between as well.

I have opted for the mommy-knows-best method (this week). Sometimes, I put her to sleep and let her cry until she falls asleep, but it has to be the right moment. Her cry can't be passionate or angry; it must gusto and be sort of lazy sounding or this method will not work without a projectile vomit, which leads to changing sheets, a bath, and a very awake, very angry baby. Other times (my favorite times) I just rock her to sleep while singing and when she is mostly asleep, I put her down to let her fall the rest of the way asleep. Those times are few and far between now, as she is getting a bit of an independent streak and doesn't like to cuddle as much. Many times, she falls asleep nursing (especially at night) and then I lay her down. She had to sleep in her carseat for a long time because of her acid reflux and now I am also trying to transition her into the crib, in hopes that she can fall asleep in the pack n play at the sitter's house.

The sleeping issue is harder than I thought it would be. I want to do what is best for her and there really isn't a book titled, "Annie Purse's individualized sleeping prescription". So this is where the hypocrisy begins: I stay up too late reading books that tell me how to make her go to sleep early. Ha. She honestly hasn't ever been a "bad" sleeper. She started sleeping through the night at 11 weeks and whenever she wakes up at night, it is to get a 10 minute feeding and she goes straight back to bed. That is about the same amount of interruption I had from peeing at night while I was pregnant so I am pretty used to that a year later. It has been a year since I have had uninterrupted sleep. That is crazy. And I wouldn't trade Annie for good sleep in a million years.

Work is getting much easier in the sense that I can leave her and feel ok about it. I know she is in good hands and it is good to have conversation every now and then that doesn't involve saying, "la la la la !" or "Did you have a poopy?" or "Do you want some milk?". Bodily functions never were so fascinating... Not that I wouldn't take staying at home in a heartbeat, but this is not an option since we have not yet found a bonsai money tree (which my Aunt Shelley claims to have in her back yard) and healthcare is not optional unless you have a spare $12,000 laying around for the next one! (NO I am NOT pregnant)

On that note, I need to go engage in the masochistic activity known as the 30-day-shred. It does feel better to be working out again, but man. That Jillian is the devil! Until next time...