God and Babies

That might seem like a weird title for a blog entry. And this might seem like a weird picture to add to it, but it seemed like a great excuse to add a picture of Annie helping mommy make brownies! But anyway, I would say the most profound thing (depending on what you believe I guess...) about having Annie has been how it affected my relationship with God. I felt like getting married rocked my boat a lot and made me dependent on God to learn how to live with and love another person well in the midst of my own selfishness. Afterall, let's face it. One of the hardest parts of being married is saying "no" to the question, "Is it really worth the pain and suffering I can cause my spouse to get what I want?". I mean, we all want to be right, win the argument, have the dinner we wanted, keep the house clean the "right" way, go on the "more fun" vacation, etc. Even more deeply, we want to be loved how we want to be loved, and we want our spouses to perceive that they are loved how we feel like showing it. And we certainly don't want to show them respect or love when it feels like they didn't show it first! And so begins an ugly cycle of sin and selfishness and the beautiful process of God restoring us to His image one painful step at a time.

So, yes. Just being married made me more dependent on God in many ways. But having a baby... that has been 10x more powerful to me. I was just sharing with a friend who is thinking about trying to get pregnant and shared with me that she is afraid of miscarriage that it seems for those of us who like to plan (and therefor tend to worry), that pregnancy begins the cycle of letting your child go. I told her that it seems that some people-- the lucky and few who are laid back, don't struggle with letting their child go until kindergarten. Or maybe even graduation. Or maybe even a wedding, or all of the above. For me, it started with conception. During my pregnancy, four of my friends found out they were pregnant. Two of the four miscarried and it was just gut wrenching for them both and for me as I continued to grow and they continued to ache. I work in labor and delivery, and just about every month, we would have a woman come in to our unit who was my exact gestation (or within a few days of it) who was miscarrying. The census board at our unit lights those rooms up a different color so no one accidentally increases their pain by asking how the baby is or something, and so these reminders of how quickly pregnancy can end were constantly in my face and in a color that stuck out like a sore thumb. It was during that time that I decided I could not waste another second of this precious time worrying about what hadn't happened (even though it still could).

Yes, I could tell myself that most pregnancies don't miscarry. I could fill my mind with certain dates where I could be more sure it wouldn't happen. I could count on the odds and listen to her heartbeat more often than was necessary. I could look for signs on the ultrasound that reassured me at my appointments and listen to my doctor say, "everything looks good!". But that didn't help. What really helped was realizing this: God gave me this pregnancy, and God will sustain it if that is in His perfect plan for me, and He will not if it isn't. I don't claim to know what it is like to lose a child and I shudder to think about such a horror. But for me, getting through pregnancy meant that I had to let go of her right from the beginning. God held Annie in His arms and His love long before I held her in mine. God knows what I can handle and promises not to give me more than that. God can love her and give her what she needs more than I ever can. So, I made a decision to cherish every kick and every turn and to trust God that I was meant to feel those and I might or might not feel more than that.

Then, after doing everything "right" as far as was in my control, Annie ended up having a bad labor at the end. Turns out she had a short umbilical cord and I had a raging infection that was masked because I didn't get a very high fever from it. She delivered anyway, and after a brief stint in the NICU, she came back to me and stayed in my room. I spent my first night as a mother worried sick about my sweet baby, who was breathing fast as she slept right next to me, and cooing rhythmically as she tried to breathe. I wanted so badly to shut my burning eyes and sleep for the first time in two days, but I could not stop staring at her. So, once again, I had to stop and give her up. I had to trust that God would care for my baby and He would care for me. I could do what was in my power to do to keep her healthy and the rest was up to Him.

I wish I could say that after all of this thought and praying that I am now worry-free and completely centered on the truth of God's control and love for me. However, I find that every time something doesn't go how I planned it, I struggle again and must again turn to the Bible to concentrate on a verse that reminds me of what I believe God to be and to do. Now I guess I understand the Old Testament (and the New for that matter)a little bit better. I read about the "idiot Isrealites" who have been shown time and again God's faithfulness and time and again start praying to a carved rock or a piece of gold just to "be sure" they have their bases covered. Then, in a moment of clarity and humility, I declare a solid-Homer-Simpson "Doh!" as I think about all of the ways I have been shown God's faithfulness and I fall back into doubt every 5 minutes.

Annie is an amazing creation who reminds me daily of my need for a God who is gracious to help me raise her the right way. Because MAN I could be a TOTAL nut trying to grasp for control of her little life to keep bad things from happening. I mean, I'm not saying rules or structure or being educated on how to care for her are bad things by any means. And given the opportunity, I am prone to try and think of ways to control the entire Universe so that nothing unpredictable or remotely bad could ever happen! (What an arrogant thing to think-- that if I controlled it all it would be better! Probably not. Definitely not.) I think God gave us brains for a good reason and we ought to use them from time to time ;o). However, I could decide that Annie can't step out of the front door because she could get hit by a car. Or I could decide to deprive her of friends because she could catch a cold from them or (God forbid!) use her little brain to come up with ideas of her own!

I thank God for Annie every day and for all that I have already learned in this short time with her so far. Every moment is such a gift, uniquely designed for both of us. I believe that God allows me to worry so that I will allow myself to depend on Him more. I think He wants ALL of me. He is jealous for my time and my mind and my heart to be concentrated on Him only. Children take us there. Marriage takes us there. On the same token, being denied either takes us there too. I guess being on my knees isn't such a bad place to be after all...